To want a female lover to brighten up my existence?

LOL, no icing, I just was part of the couple once or twice and it's not worth the fuss and doubt afterwards.

Mind you, they never come problem free: I got invited to be part of a threesome once with a lesbian couple who had been together quite a while. One of them did the asking, the other glared at me murderously.

I politely declined.

(gosh, I now sound like I have a wonderously exciting sex life, it's not true, all this was years ago when I was very drunk and very high, and I'm far too old and sensible and pregnant now for anything except for monthly missionary and marks and sparks big arse covering pants. Honestly!)

This is the start of opening pandora's box.
Honestly...it's trouble with a capital T.
if you single - great, if you married with kids, a big risk.

What if you enjoy it too much???
Things might never be the same again if the sex is better over the fence.

bananabump 'The rules of the threesome: ALWAYS be the third person, never the couple. Too much hassle!'

Thats the advice Samantha in Sex and the City gave Your not secretly her are you??

bananabump, that is very useful advice, thank you! What would I do without Mumsnet?

DaddyJ, that's because there's a high likelihood of it happening. The rules of the threesome: ALWAYS be the third person, never the couple. Too much hassle!

I've never wanted a woman but I've never been with a man who hasn't said he hoped that I might.

Nah, we're just petrified of reliving that storyline from Friends:
Ross getting divorced due to his wife discovering her Lesbian self

That's how it appears xenia, but in practic the men who say they'd love a threesome usually bottle it when the opportunity arises. I think they don't want to run the chance of leaving two women unsatisfied!

Yes, good post, anorak.
Rare to find men against lesbian sex, mind you....

Just wanted to check that you're ok..and am glad that you seem to be handling it rather well, judging from your last posts.

nice post anorak. hope your head is becoming more clear milkchocolate.

Hi MC, glad to see you've obeyed your feelings of guilt - you've likely saved yourself from a whole lot of heartache later on.

The unresolved lesbian side of you is just clouding this issue as far as I can see. I haven't done 'everything' sexually that I might have perhaps wished to try at one time in my life - but that's life, there isn't time or opportunity to fit in absolutely everything we want to experience.

It's possible for any of us to feel overwhelmingly attracted to someone (male or female) or even to fall in love with someone other than our husband/wife/partner.

We have to overrule our hearts and stick by our vows, have some respect for our partners. The fact that we've chosen an exclusive relationship has no weight or value unless we ever reach a point where we have to sacrifice something to it.

The trick is to set yourself rules and to stick by them rigidly. If you're attracted to someone other than your partner you simply say to yourself, that's not an option for me, and stick to it.

I'm concerned that you find it impossible to be honest with your DH about something fundamental concerning yourself. This must present you with an exaggerated feeling of unfulfilment in that area. I can't advise you to tell him, if as you say he really has a homophobic side, but that's sad for you, being unable to be your true self with him.

actually i would far rather my ex partner had left me for another man rather than the woman he did leave me for. it's completely different kettles of fish as far as I'm concerned...there wouldn't have been a comparison to myself if he'd wanted balls rather than fanjo.

I bet if Xenia had a gay lover she'd have to have a job aswell.

No SAHM lesbian loving for our Xenia.

Would you be happy with your husband sleeping with a gay lover without telling you and are you prepared for everyone finding out including the children as is often the case. If so go ahead. It is not technically adultery but it's unreasonable behaviour so he could divorce you. I suppose there is also a risk you might lose the children too. if you think that is worth it for some fun then go ahead.

milkchocolate i'm glad you have made that decision it may have been a hard one for you but you obviously still
love your DH (and family) and i think it would maybe better for you to put the feelings of 'lust' you have for the other woman into your relationship with your DH instead and make it work to both of your advantage, hopefully this will make you stronger as a couple. Did you end up telling DH about your feelings for someone else or did you just talk about your feelings within your own relationship?

I have slightly different views on this. It seems that your marriage is repressing who you are which is a bad thing. I think you should explore this side to your personality, why on earth not? If it's just sex and not love I really don't see the problem. If your husband doesn't like it surely he's in the wrong, why should he tell you what you can and can't do with your own body, ultimately controlling your happiness? I suppose this whole thing really depends on the personality of your husband.

How are you feeling about it all, milkchocolate? What was your husbands reaction to what you told him? Did you just tell him about your bi leanings or did you mention the lady in question?

Hoping you're ok and not too feeling too sad about it.

Affairs can be SO destructive... When people enter into it they think it'll just be a some passionate nooky on the side (whether with man or woman - no diff IMO - you are attracted to this 'person'). BUT will you end up falling in love - or become obsessive with lust/love. This will start to change how you feel for your DH. It could damage your marriage and your family.

If the other 'person' is pushing it forward - Beware! They have experience of affairs - maybe can handle the emotional juggling (and there DH is OK with it). You might be more at risk here - you could have more to loose....

Glad you could find support on here and hope you're OK over the coming days when you're bound to be feeling very sad.

i have read most of the thread milkchocolate and wish you luck i hope you are able to reach some kind of decision with this however long it may take, you sound like a lovely person who isn't going to take the feelings you have for your husband/family, and the woman you are attracted to, lightly. There will always be someone here if you need to sound anything out