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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fecked off with people who have sympathy for MIL, when she is in the wrong???

40 replies

UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 11:36

This may be a long post!!!

M and FIL came to visit on sunday...
When the visit was arraned we told them that DH and I would be nipping out for an hour. I am on the Cambridge Diet and need regular checks. My time was not changeable as I had asked the week before.
Before they came M and FIL agreed to look after the children for an hour.
They come a fair way to visit, but due to Dd1's ASD she does not travel in cars too well for long distances and a 3 hour journey would be out of the question.

They arrived an hour and a half late This is a regular occurence. That left us 25 mins before DH and I had to leave.

When she walked in she gave the girls a gift of a bag each and then handed them kinder eggs I asked her to remove them so the girls could have them later as a treat. Dd1's behavioural difficulties are aggravated by certain additives and Kinder chocolate is something she does not have and therefore I was holding them back so I could check the packaging.

She then proceeded to shout at me for going out ... as I mentioned an arrangement had already been made that they would care for the children. How dare she shout at me in my own house??? DH was Furious.
I got to my counsellor, and DH would normally stay but he didn't. He came home and I made my way to my friends and camped there till they went home.

He came home to find MIL putting coats on the children to take them for a walk so therefore he hit the roof too. We specifically said stay home.

When I came home from my friends' house, I found Kinder wrappers on the floor, Cadbury creme Egg wrappers on the floor, and to top it off they had been washed down with fruit shoots

DH had to tackle them about it.

I went to see my mother who is in hospital at the moment last night. She is thankfully on the mend, but imagine my when she SYMPATHISED with MIL!!!!!!!!!! and tried to excuse her behaviour!!!! saying she dosen't see them often etc.

AIBU to be annoyed that MIL has NO respect for our wishes as parents?????

OP posts:

Stigaloid · 29/05/2007 11:58

PS: Hoe your mum gets well soon

Stigaloid · 29/05/2007 11:58

YANBU - no one has the right to shout at you in your own house - how rude!

And if you ask them not to do something with your children they should respect your wishes.

I would however suggest that next time don't arrange to have them over when you have an appointment to keep.

Also - if you make a time for them to arrive and they are over 30 mins late without contacting you - go out. They will soon learn that arriving late for meetings is unacceptable.

MamaG · 29/05/2007 11:58

(my nephew suffered badly from allergies, certain things would make him into a terrible raging beast - his Mum spent hours preparing food, checking packets etc. He would arrive back from my MIL's house like a whirlwind, after eating sweets, additive-filled juices etc - MIL thought it was a load of nonsense

KezzaG · 29/05/2007 11:56

MIL would have annoyed me, if you gave instrcutions she should have kept them whether she agreed or not. She could discuss with you later if she felt you were out of order or whatever, but just to override you is wrong. And shouting at you was just plain rude.

Sonds like your mum was trying to smooth things over, annoying when you want someone to take your side but I can see why she was doing it.

Original poster

UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 11:56

Thank you MamaG

OP posts:

MamaG · 29/05/2007 11:55

Your MIL was being an arse.

2. I probably would have talked about it with my mum, hospital or not. 3. Your mum was probably trying to diffuse situation before it escalates into huge family row (while secretly agreeing with you)

Original poster

UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 11:55

We tried to discuss Dd1's difficulties with them, we were told point blank, they don't want to know. They have never asked or shown interest, despite being kept in the loop about her care and progress made or no tmade as the case may be.

OP posts:

kslatts · 29/05/2007 11:54

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, if you trust them to look after your dc's then they should be able to choose whether to stay in or go for a walk.

VioletBaudelaire · 29/05/2007 11:53

Have you and your DH fully discussed how DD1s ASD traits affect the way you care for her?
Perhaps they don't quite understand properly because they live a long way away.
I think I would get a taxi if the situation occurred again, and let DH show his parents how to care for your children as you would like.
It sounds more like a lack of understanding by your ILs, rather than a lack of respect for your wishes as parents.

OrmIrian · 29/05/2007 11:50

Yes a bit. You can't prevent people from seeing things differently from you.

Original poster

UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 11:49

wasn't ranting, mother had asked me and I told her calmly what had happened.

OP posts:

pesme · 29/05/2007 11:48

yes yabu, your mother is in hospital and you are ranting at her about your mil. sounds like she was trying to calm the situation down. (this is only a reply to your original question nothing to do with the actually mil incident)

Original poster

UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 11:45

Ok,
DH is the driver. Its about 6 miles to my counsellor and it is off a bus route.
As for going out for a walk, Dd1's ASD traits are that she presents a danger to herself and others in certain situations and has little road sense. She is 5
Dd2 is only just 3 and equally has very little road sense. She was going to take them out with her 2 big dogs too, so therefore if one of the children had gone into the road there would have been nothing she could have dome about it.

Yes there is a history, but this is the first time we have left the children with them. The very least I would have thought they could have abided by our wishes.

OP posts:

jenwa · 29/05/2007 11:43

I think there is the one side like your mother says about not seeing them but I do think that she should respect your wishes. I think it is out of order to go ahead and do something when you hav specifically asked not to. Also to have a go at you in your house is very rude, maybe she knew she was late and was taking it out on you when you mentioned taking the kinder eggs out for later. She probably wanted to do the whole granny spoilig thing but she needs to find other ways to do this.
Can Dh talk to her?

VioletBaudelaire · 29/05/2007 11:40

Why did your DH have to go with you?
Surely it would have been better for him to stay at home and keep an eye on things if you don't trust your ILs to look after your children properly.
The chocolate thing would annoy me - one of my children has allergies, but my family would never give him anything without checking with me first - but going out for a walk is hardly dreadful.
Would I be right in thinking there is quite a bit of history behind this?

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