To be fecked off with people who have sympathy for MIL, when she is in the wrong???

well agnes, I don't give my children many sweets etc but my mum and dad still insist on bringing it

they love spoiling them so I bite my tongue

ditto my inlaws

everyone is happy

(dd1 has nut allergy and they don't bring stuff with nuts)

Your mother in law is clearly an arse, tell her so.

She had no right to shout at you, she had no right to go against your wishes and she has no right to be such a rude bint.

Oliveoil, there is no such thing as a grandparents law, there are just stupid grandparents who can't realise that they're done with raising children and need to heed the wishes of those who actually matter.

Agnes

I think if you make a request for the sake of your child it should be heard. If they ignore things it iwl lnot help your child in the long run. They need to be aware of this but unfortuantly they dont seem to be listening or like you said dont want to listen!

Can Dh talk to them?

Sounds simular to my inlaws with the present thing! They asked me what to get dd for xmas, I spoke for 1/2 hr on phone going through Early learning cat and few other options, at end of conversation was asked if I could write that all down (thought she was!!!) did write it on list and put in dd's bag for when she goes there and at xmas, guess what, nothing from list! NOt that Im ungrateful but why bother asking. Had mentioned dd loved books, they got her one then said surprisingly "oh she likes books" Same with DH, she always asks waht to get and has got duplicate before too when I have told ehr what i am getting! Also she requested once that something I had taken along time to get for DH she would give me the money and it would be from her! No way!!!!
I do feel sorry for you and I do think you should try to tell them the reasons why you dnt wnat things done or things given to children and suggest alternitive maybe toys? If falling on deaf ears then when they come with gifts remove what you dont want and put straight away somewhere so they cant find it either!

Their behaviour could also be seen as generational. Many problems diagnosed (and labelled) today were not discussed or generally acknowledged in their era of parenting.

Both set of my ds's grandparents (for instance), have difficulty 'believing' in allergies. No one had them when I was at school, either. God knows what they've been putting in our food over the last twenty years, but it seems that many modern parents have a lot more to deal with in that respect.

Did they know you wanted to check the kinders?

Se, my IL's love my kids to bits, they really want to make them happy, spoil them etc..

Sounds like your IL's were only trying to 'spoil' your dd's a little & squeeze in as much as they could [hence a walk] on a visit.

I think you're being a teeny bit unreasonable to expect them to sit in your house for an hour and not 'break' any of your 'rules'.

UG, sounds like a plan

If they only see them 3 times a year then maybe they're not equipped to look after them - especially as it doesn't sound straightforward with your DD.

Laying that aside, you between you having agreed, she didn't respect your wishes, didn't take note of your instructions. I don't care who she gave birth to, she didn't give birth to your kids, you write the rules (and as DH is with you on it all, she really can't disregard it as "Undomesticgoddess's wierdness" ).

What was FIL up to while all this was going on?

Hmmmm, not sure about this. Lots of angry faced emoticons flying around!

I think you're being slightly unreasonable (although I take on board your grievances). I always try to remember (when my MIL pisses my off), that I shall be an MIL myself one day!

I don't think you are in the wrong to want your MIL to follow your wishes as parents, but I do think your anger is disproportionate. A frank but respectful conversation between you all is whats called for. Good luck.

I don't want to offend you as it is a difficult situation unless you know all the ins-and-outs but do you treat her like an equal? maybe she feels you don't therefore goes against what you ask just to piss you off as her way of 'getting back at you' - don't forget she has had kids too! what does you DH say about his upbringing?

I have to disagree with you Miss Golightly - if you expressly ask someone not to feed your children sweets then they should not feed your chidlren sweets - regardless of whether they are an employee or not.

Grandparents do not have rights to over ride the decisions of parents.

yes but my point was you can only really dictate how people care for your children if they are your employees.

If they are doing you a favour then you have to take the rough with the smooth to a certain extent. I am not saying they were right to stuff your kids full of sweets - but they were just being grandparents.

I agree with VB if they are not prepared to take an interest and understand your dd's problems then you should not leave them in their care and arrange visits with them to suit you when your there. If they want to spoil your dd's that is a grandparents right (apparently!) but suggest that they check with you what sweets are suitable, or just give them a list of ones which are, or ask them to buy colouring books or something instead.

I wouldn't blame your mum for 'siding' with your MIL as she was probably just trying to ease the situation. There seems to be a history of issues that may have built this up, is there anything else which has led to it or am i barking up the wrong tree?

Your MIL was wrong to give the children sweets/take them out without your consent.

BUT if you want them to help you out, look after kids etc, then you have to meet them halfway. If given a list of dos and don'ts it is easy for Gparents to end up feeling like unpaid nannies (not saying this is how you treat them, but just trying to see it from their POV). It sounds like she didn't understand what was at the back of your requests to stay home etc.

Sit down with them - say how grateful you are for their help and explain what kind of treats are ok and what cause problems. Ask them to suggest what kind of things they would like to do with the girls and explain which ones would work best.

Not a fruit shoot. Good lord. >>thud

what would you have done with the children while you went to you check if they hadn't come?

My parents arrive every week with goodies and stuff for my girls - sticker books, beads, etc etc. Nothing major, but every week they hang about the front door waiting, knowing there will be something.

That is grandparents for you, and I am sorry but you can moan all you want but you will not fight this, it is Grandparent Law . I usually try and sneak the choc in the cupboard and usually fail.

re being late, were they stuck in traffic? Maybe a reason.

Don't see the problem with the walk, tbh.

(What is the Cambridge Diet and these check things?)

OK.
At least now you know for sure that you can't really leave your children in their care, as they do not sound responsible enough to ensure their safety.
They need to earn your trust by taking your DDs difficulties seriously.
Perhaps they don't want to know because they would rather put their heads in the sand, but that's not good enough if they want to look after their grandchildren.
I am not surprised you are angry about this.