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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum doesn't need a house full of toys meant for her grandchildren?

85 replies

KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 16:18

I have a ds (2), my sis S has a ds (2) and a dd (5), and my sis A has a ds (4).

Our uncle (mum's brother) has a ds (our cousin) aged 8, who regularly clears out his toys and send them round "for the little ones as he is too big for them now". Aw bless! He has a big family and is the youngest so is practically drowning in toys and has been brought up to share and be geerous, his fearing he would otherwise end up being spoilt and greedy!

Anyway, these toys get dropped off at my mum's maybe twice a year. My mum thens stashes them around the house in cupboards, etc and keeps them!!!!!! I am a childminder and have ds and two step sons and she currently has an equal amount of toys as I have at home! The first few times we let it go, however last time me and sister S went round and split the toys up in front of her between the children, and took them home, including sister A's, which we dropped round to her house so they didn't go back in the cupboard. She was like a sulky teenager, and was in a right mood about it!

My mum is very strange.

So was there yesterday and another lot got dropped off, my uncle was telling me what was there, what cousin had grown out of, did my ds like them etc....dp helped uncle get the toys out of the car....and my mum took them upstairs and put them on her bed!?! wtf!

My sister S is quite feisty and has said she is going on Thursday with or without me to split the toys up. (We all have keys and mum will be out.)

My mum is strange no? I feel mad about this on two counts:

  1. None of us hae much money, and are all very grateful to receive these toys (cousin gets lovely xmas pressies off us in appreciation )
  2. I often bump into Uncle and am worried I should be thanking him for something I haven't received. (sometimes don't know about toys until the kids drag new ones out the cupboard and ask where they are from).
OP posts:
Desiderata · 28/05/2007 17:16

YANBU !!!!

ahundredtimes · 28/05/2007 17:15

I'm with nailpolish. And I think you need to get her some help probably. She sounds attention seeking, inappropriate and somewhat impulsive. Forget the toys, they're not that important.
Go talk to the GP about your concerns.

Original poster
KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 17:14

Oh ffs, yes my son has toys, this is about my mum's behaviour regarding the toys. Her behaviour yesterday was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

Yes she has a lot of issues.
She does not want or accept help with these issues.
She will not have counselling.
She refuses ads.
I wanted to know if this is normal behaviour or not as I really really do not know what constitutes as normal mother behaviour.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 28/05/2007 17:11

That struck me immediately too. Is your mum still of child-bearing age, Kay? Is she post-menopausal?

You've suggested in previous threads that she's always been strange. Whatever the underlying reason, it's probably too big to solve with a chat.

I still say, those toys are meant for your children, and you must find a way of reclaiming them.

nailpolish · 28/05/2007 17:11

i think you need to forget about the friggin' toys and try to resolve the realtionship with your mother. before it disintegrates completely.

Original poster
KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 17:10

My sister has encouraged her to seek help before, she has booked her in at gps, gp has referred her to counsellor, she went once then stopped going. I know friends have suggested counselling to her too, and she hasn't accepted their advice.
My mum is very hard work, I suffer from IBS and tension headaches and am physically ill when I visit her. She is very immature in her behaviour and always has been, even as children we carried her. We have our own children now, and really recognise what we have missed out on as kids.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 28/05/2007 17:09

er, no. i dont see what there is to feel. i would feel sorry if her dcs had no toys at all. but i assume that isnt the case.

i think the issue here is the relationship with the OP and her mother, the toys are just a part of this.

ahundredtimes · 28/05/2007 17:08

Hmmm the toys are a bit of a distraction here aren't they? If your mother pretended to be pregnant and bought lots of equipment when you and your sister were pregnant well, then, there's something else going on isn't there?

If she's hoarding the toys, and not letting the children have them, well she sounds jealous tbh. I can see why you think she's doing it for attention. I wonder whether you need to address the issues underlying this behaviour, rather than scrapping over the actual toys?

Desiderata · 28/05/2007 17:05

Have you no feelings at all for the OP, nailpolish?

Original poster
KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 17:04

Yes I am uncomfortable with going in for the toys.
If we asked uncle to drop off at one of our house he would ask why, and then mention it to our mum, and there would be a big hoo-ha. If we asked her ourselves she would just sulk I think.
She knows she is behaving innaporpriately as when dp helped my ucle get the toys out of the car dp 'said where are they going' meaning should he put them in car as uncle had been asking me what our ds liked, our bringing them into my mum's house. There was an awkward silence and my mum piped up 'Oh, oh, well, I will just sort through them and....'

OP posts:
nailpolish · 28/05/2007 17:02

i really feel for you r mother here. you need to talk to her and see if she needs help or is hiding somethng that is troubling her. take your uncle with you possibly?

BabiesEverywhere · 28/05/2007 17:00

I would let her keep the toys she has at the moment, no point rocking the boat especially as she doesn't sound an easy person to talk too.

Fair enough to talk to uncle about diverting the next batch of toys to your house.

Original poster
KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 17:00

Sorry legacy I did see your post and am not very fast at typing . I honestly don't know what she is thinking with regrds to keeping them. My sis S goes once a week with kids, I go maybe once a month, sis A goes maybe every six weeks.
There has been no change in how often we all visit, we have visited at our usual frequency since having kids (all visit more now we have kids than before we had kids). So there has been no change to how often she sees the gcs.

OP posts:
serenity · 28/05/2007 16:58

So she doesn't let them play with them when they come over to visit?

That's a bit different then. I can understand her wanting them there for your Dcs, but if she's keeping them completely for herself, then I'm changing my side of the fence Kay. Your mum is crackers, and if your Uncle is leaving them at her house for your DCs use, and she's blocking that then she's out of order. I'm still not comfortable with your sister going in behind her back and taking them (it's her home), but something does need to be done. Does your Uncle know what's going on?

Original poster
KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 16:57

No saadia she doesn't. In the past when they have 'found' new toys in the toy cupboard I would say she even appears put out that they have seen them in a way. It is really strange. The kids do play with the toys when they visit, but usually the same toys iykwim, they tend to have their favourites.

I feel the need to repeat myself - I like her having toys in the house, it is the fact she is keeping toys (and even hiding) toys that are meant for her grandchildren to share out to their homes.

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 28/05/2007 16:56

I wonder if what Legacy says is the truth behind the toy hoarding.

Have you actually sat your mother down and talked about it with her (in a non-hysterical way) ?

saadia · 28/05/2007 16:54

Sounds like your mum does have a problem. If the toys are clearly being dropped off for your ds and his cousins then it is very odd of her to keep them. Do the dcs play with them when they visit her? I know you said they drag the new ones out themselves but does she ever actually hand them over and say "look at this new toy you can play with".

nailpolish · 28/05/2007 16:49

if you think she needs counselling then why dont you talk to her? talk to her gp? try and help her instead of bitching about her and going behind her back

nailpolish · 28/05/2007 16:48

i think you are being very very spiteful towards your mother. she is trying to do her best by the sounds of things, and be a nice gran who has lots of toys for the children who visit her

Original poster
KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 16:46

I understand what you are saying nail polish, and can see your pov - my ds loves pots and pans but not for a whole visit!

It is the sneakyness of it all, I really think my mum is a bit.....???? I don't know really, she is hard to put in words.

She has never been there for us, we had awful childhoods I won't go into, and I really feel she needs some counselling or something? I don't know - we have a very strained relationship as it is, and I think she is doing it for attention tbh!

OP posts:
fireflyfairy2 · 28/05/2007 16:46

Do your kids have no toys already?

I know I wouldn't be wanting to add any more to my kids already full bedrooms!!

Desiderata · 28/05/2007 16:45

I really can't understand why anyone would think Kay is being 'grabby.' The toys are for her children, not for her mum. The uncle merely drops them off there.

I'm sure he'd be perplexed if he realized that they weren't being distributed out.

pointydog · 28/05/2007 16:44

Both of dds' grans wanted to have a decent selection of toys at their own homes, particularly when dds were small.

Lots of toys in the house makes gps feel happy and secure and able to amuse small children.

Let her keep them for heaven's sake.

Legacy · 28/05/2007 16:42

HOw often do you go to her house? Do you think she thinks you and the grandchildren might visit more often if she has lots of nice toys??

Original poster
KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 16:42

I know what you mean serentiy I don't want to appear grabby, which is why out of six convoys of toys, me and sis (we are the two oldest btw) have let it lie and only split up one lot of stuff. I do feel she is taking the P tho I really do!
I wouldn't like someone going into my home and taking things no, but I wouldn't withhold toys from dcs either! My ds was there on Sunday, saw toys coming in, and wasn't allowed to play with any of them! Sat and cried!
She has a lot of issues I feel, had a fantasy pregnancy when me and sis S were pg. Bought cot, changing table, whole caboodle, wouldn't listen to gp, etc. Sister S threatened to have her sectioned!

OP posts: