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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum doesn't need a house full of toys meant for her grandchildren?

85 replies

KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 16:18

I have a ds (2), my sis S has a ds (2) and a dd (5), and my sis A has a ds (4).

Our uncle (mum's brother) has a ds (our cousin) aged 8, who regularly clears out his toys and send them round "for the little ones as he is too big for them now". Aw bless! He has a big family and is the youngest so is practically drowning in toys and has been brought up to share and be geerous, his fearing he would otherwise end up being spoilt and greedy!

Anyway, these toys get dropped off at my mum's maybe twice a year. My mum thens stashes them around the house in cupboards, etc and keeps them!!!!!! I am a childminder and have ds and two step sons and she currently has an equal amount of toys as I have at home! The first few times we let it go, however last time me and sister S went round and split the toys up in front of her between the children, and took them home, including sister A's, which we dropped round to her house so they didn't go back in the cupboard. She was like a sulky teenager, and was in a right mood about it!

My mum is very strange.

So was there yesterday and another lot got dropped off, my uncle was telling me what was there, what cousin had grown out of, did my ds like them etc....dp helped uncle get the toys out of the car....and my mum took them upstairs and put them on her bed!?! wtf!

My sister S is quite feisty and has said she is going on Thursday with or without me to split the toys up. (We all have keys and mum will be out.)

My mum is strange no? I feel mad about this on two counts:

  1. None of us hae much money, and are all very grateful to receive these toys (cousin gets lovely xmas pressies off us in appreciation )
  2. I often bump into Uncle and am worried I should be thanking him for something I haven't received. (sometimes don't know about toys until the kids drag new ones out the cupboard and ask where they are from).
OP posts:
PinkTulips · 28/05/2007 19:41

Kay {{{{hugs}}}

i'm really sorry you got such a weird response, i honestly can't fathom why

speaking as the daughter of an insane damaging mother too i hope you find a way to deal with this situation which doesn't cause too many problems for you and your sisters, and i hope the kids get their toys

Desiderata · 28/05/2007 19:37

I was agog at all of them.

What I think is this: someone's lost their mum. That someone (or persons), must have had a great mum. You don't. I didn't. They weren't reading what you wrote - they were reacting to a dim idea of disloyalty to one's parent.

You weren't being disloyal .. you were telling it like it is.

Most of the criticism came from two/three people. The rest were supportive.

I can't say it enough. You're not responsible for sorting your mother's mind out. That's not your job if she won't get help or acknowledge that she has a problem.

Get those fecking toys ......

Original poster
KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 19:31

greedy
spiteful
grabby
bitching
hysterical
innapropriate
sneaky

in one thread.

I really really appreciate the supportive posters, please don't think I have overlooked you, it means a lot you have taken the time to try and make me feel better.

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 28/05/2007 19:20

kay

why was there an awkward silence when your dp asked your uncle where the toys should go? that suggests to me your uncle knows your mum's stashing the toys maybe? can you speak to him at all ?

Desiderata · 28/05/2007 19:20

Oh, Kay. I don't know what to say. I'm troubled by the response you got from certain posters. I don't believe they were reading your OP or subsequent posts at all. You were nothing but reasonable in the face of ill-founded criticism, and I just don't get what they were all about.

Please don't be put off. You've had much more support than criticism, and you've come across to me as a very lovely woman with a genuine (and specific) problem with regards to your mother and her hoarding of your children's toys.

I'm new to MN (although I've been lurking for ages). Sometimes people just seem to have a problem or an issue when there isn't one. It's their problem, not yours.

Now ....... get those fecking toys ...

Original poster
KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 19:13

To those of you that have been supportive, thank you.

To those of you that haven't, I sincerely hope that one day when you need some understanding and support, and are feeling emotionally fragile, there are kind people on mn at the time to help you. As is mn ethos I believe??

I now realise putting this in aibu may not have been the best place, but I genuinely wanted advice and support.

In future I am going to stick to the topics I use for work, continuing answering unanswered posts when I can help the poster, and that is that.

Posting on here has left me feeling worse than when I was previously, and if possible, even more alone in my problems.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 28/05/2007 19:13

Bump

hunkermunker · 28/05/2007 19:09

.

Desiderata · 28/05/2007 18:46

Bump

Desiderata · 28/05/2007 18:24

Kay made a great point earlier about weird parents. Mine was an alcoholic ... and guess what? You lose sympathy when you're that person's child. You lose it quickly, and you tend to lose it for good.

Thanks for posting that, Lovecat. I feel very sad that Kay's gone off crying when she came on here looking for support.

I'm going to keep bumping until she comes back again.

Lovecat · 28/05/2007 18:17

KS, really sorry that some people seem to be having a pop at you.

To reassure you that this is not normal parental behaviour - bearing in mind my dad is an out and out nut-job (and yes, sometimes all you can do is laugh about it ), he collects a massive stash of manky toys from car boot sales between gcs visits (both my sis & I live 200miles away from our parents, so we visit once a month at most) and then, whoever happens to be there at the time, he will attempt to foist these things on them.

I find myself backing down the path towards the car going 'no, dad, really, keep it here for when dd comes again' whilst thinking 'Christ, I'm not having that creepy singing teddy with alopecia in my house'!

And my relatively normal inlaws keep a very small stash of toys for gcs and MIL is constantly saying 'oh, I can't wait for dd (the youngest) to grow out of these old toys so I can chuck them away and keep my kitchen tidy!'

So the toy hoarding is definitely bizarre behaviour. If she won't accept help, I think the suggestion that someone made of your sister asking your uncle re. the next toy distribution is a very good idea.

My sympathies to you, she sounds like very hard work.

Desiderata · 28/05/2007 18:04

Bumping this thread, Kay.

I hope you're cup of tea has helped, and that you'll come back to this thread when you're ready.

The thought of your dc in tears because he couldn't play with one of his toys is just too much.

saadia · 28/05/2007 18:03

KS hope you are feeling better. You have obviously tried to get help for her and I know from experience that there are some people who can not be helped except by someone suitably qualified.

Not sure what else you can do. The toys are obviously a symptom of deeper unresolved problems.

hunkermunker · 28/05/2007 18:03

KS

I think it's a pity this thread has gone the way it has - you need support with your mum's behaviour, which is clearly having a negative impact on your own health.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want your children to be able to play with the toys meant for them, whether they play with them at your mum's house or you take them with you to have at your house, as long as there are some for them to play with at your mum's.

As a comparison from a more functional family, which possibly would be helpful for you - my DSs have toys and books to play with at my parents' house and my in-laws' house. Some of those are things we've bought, some are things they've bought, some are things from mine and DH's childhood (they're the most popular, ironically!). I rotate them with toys they have here and weed occasionally for charity when they've both grown out of things.

Post a thread with a title referring to the relationship with your mother in relationships - you'll get more support and less judgement then, I hope.

serenity · 28/05/2007 17:53

lulu, much as I feel for you, that post is neither helpful or relevant.

lulu2 · 28/05/2007 17:49

i think you should thank your lucky stars you have a mum. some of us are not as fortunate.

Idreamofdaleks · 28/05/2007 17:45

Have you asked her why she wants to keep the toys at her house?

Desiderata · 28/05/2007 17:42

I agree, giggling. Somehow, the uncle just needs to be put in the picture and the toys diverted to either Kay's or sister's house.

gigglinggoblin · 28/05/2007 17:36

sorry this has turned into a row ks, have no idea why. hope you feel better after cup of tea

gigglinggoblin · 28/05/2007 17:35

i would ask feisty sister to have a quiet word with uncle about dropping them off at one of your houses without telling your mum. if he doesnt know she has problems he probably should incase she needs help from him

Original poster
KaySamuels · 28/05/2007 17:34

When you have toxic, draining parents sometimes all you can do is try to laugh. It is hard for other people to understand these types of parents if you haven't experienced them first hand.
I am sat here crying and shaking. I am gonna take a break for a while as this has stirred up a lot of feelings for me. Am gonna go make a cuppa and calm down.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 28/05/2007 17:33

I don't know why you're being so aggressive about this, nailpolish.

I don't see what is unreasonable about the OP's stance on this. You didn't like my use of an emoticon; I didn't like you calling the OP 'greedy.' I think her mother's problems are one issue, and the toys are another.

It would appear that we're not going to agree on this, but hey! It's not our thread.

nailpolish · 28/05/2007 17:25

weird that you are grinning and finding this funny

Desiderata · 28/05/2007 17:24

Sorry, but this is about the toys - it' perfectly clear by the thread title. The OP has made it perfectly clear that her mother is not open to counseling or other suggestions put to her in the past.

That's her lookout (and I speak from experience of weird mothers).

Get the toooooys

ahundredtimes · 28/05/2007 17:16

So no Kay, this is not normal mother behaviour. Sorry.