Mother in law wants to buy next door

Sadly I think you need to walk your talk. 'Strongly worded texts' !? Get serious.

I love my dear mum and I adore my MIL but I wouldn’t want to live next door to either of them. They both live very, very close which works well for everyone. I know they both like looking after our DC but I know it tires them and they need a break and their own lives.

I hope they’re always close enough so we can help out if/when they get frail or ill but we don’t need to be in each other’s pockets.

YANBU, OP. If she was an hour away and wanted to move to be close, I’d get that but a street or two away to next door is full on.

I have told husband how much of a threat to our marriage this is. He stands firm that it suits him to have her there...

In that case, he knows he is selling his relationship with you away in favour of whatever it is (his mum next door, issue with planning permission whatever).
Nowadays, it would mean that I would

• set very clear boundaries on how much time him and the dcs will spend there/behaviour/time together as a family wo her/ time she is spending at yours etc etc
• start getting some independance financially in particular as well as not relying on her childcare etc etc.

Because the issue here is that he is not taking any of your wishes or fears into account at all, only his.

That’s not the basis of an equal relationhsip.

I lived with my MIL until she died and did a fair bit of her personal care. I loved it, we had a real laugh together and were both very careful about boundaries, so it worked. However, we were also both aware that her terminal illness meant that it was never going to be a long term arrangement.

It is totally reasonable to not want to live next door to a women you already don't like, especially if you think she would undermine you. If your husband insists on it, you will end up divorcing. If you put your foot down hard and stop it, he will resent you and you may well end up divorcing anyway. It's a horrible situation and I really feel for you.

I would tell your DH that if he buys next door he can move into it with his mother, problem solved.

sounds awful OP... I'd leave

I wouldn't mind at all if it was me.

Leave and take the kids, get the estate agent round, value the house.

It’s not a threat, it’s a reality.

This.

Good luck OP, I'd LTB if mine agreed to let his mother move in next door! Haha!!

I was brought up in two flats side by side. Parents one side, grand parents the other. After a few years, a door in the wall was made so there was no need to get out on the communal lobby. Us kids loved it.

Everyone grown up couple was living their own life but we had the benefit of double love and affection.

Sometimes there were bust ups of the grown ups and silences, then reconciliations but we were shielded.

I think I have been blessed. When my grand ma died, I was 20. It was a tremendous loss, a bit like another mama. I am sure my mum would say otherwise but I hope that the perspective of the child might help you navigate this situation.

Sitting watching the sun go down on my property, savings in the bank, not a penny owed to the world, planning my trip to Paris to meet my son's DP.
You OK hun?

This reads like the Facebook status of a Forever Living seller

Tell him if MIL moves in, you'll be moving out. So it'd save on stamp duty etc if he just moved in with her now. See if that suits him.

Fuck that shit, no way.

You need to convince him that you mean it when you say the marriage will be over. If he wants to live with his mummy more than he wants to live with his wife and children then that's fine, he has made his choice.

I cannot imagine wanting to live next door to DS and his DP. I love them both but - why? Just why?

I'd hate to live right on top of DD and SiL !!! They'd be wanting me to look after DGS1 and 2 whenever possible lol No thanks. (I'm an hour's drive away atm which is fine)

Leave and take the kids, get the estate agent round, value the house.

It’s not a threat, it’s a reality.

She’s plenty close now. Tell DH he has forced you into the position as he has decided to choose his mother. Ask him how he feels about 50/50 childcare, splitting assists and the cost of divorce and selling? Be serious.

Fuck. That. Shit.

What a nightmare.

MIL doesn't care what you think, but it's not MIL you have to persuade, it's DH.

Be very, very clear to him how close to the wind he is sailing with this idea and kill it before it goes any further. He sounds like a person who likes the easy life so help him understand how MIL moving in next door would be the opposite. Unless, of course, MIL and DH know something you don't about your relationship......

You need to talk to your husband and find a way through this.
If it was my mother and my husband threatened to leave with the children rather than talk through how we could make it work I'd call him controlling and leave.

It could be good for you financially – that might be important later. It avoids the problem of unknown neighbours - who could be a nightmare. It's a project for your DH. It is easy childcare and someone who you trust to take in parcels, help out when you need it etc.

Think about the positives and discuss with your husband. If you still disagree then you'll need to find a way through it.

This situation could well be the beginning of the end because either one of you will feel resentful.

I agree with you. Been there, done that! Now divorced.

We lived with the PIL for a while waiting to move into our new house and I can hardly speak to MIL as a result.

Yy to this. It is taking years for the damage and hurt to repair for me, and I think it has made a permanent shift in the way I feel about MIL, because now I know lot more about where I am in her rankings of value.

I'd be happy for my mum to live next door, so by extension would extend that to my partners mum

I lived next door to my ex in-laws for ten years. TEN FUCKING YEARS. Which was more awkward when I left my exH (their son) and he moved out.

Surprisingly, it was all ok! You have to have firm boundaries though and good lines of communication.

We came close to splitting up over it and I had to pack her bag for her and ask her to leave. I have told husband how much of a threat to our marriage this is. He stands firm that it suits him to have her there... i am livid!!!

Have you reminded him of this time ?

To the posters complaining about "MiL hate" on MN, this isn't about the way the OP is related to her, it is everything to do with the personality of the person, not that she happens to be DM's mother. It is about the interfering and not respecting boundaries.
I don't hate my MiL either, but we have different ways of living our lives, and there is no way in a million years we could live next door to each other. My mother - I wouldn't have had such an issue with, as she would have respected boundaries, but it does rather put all the onus on you for care as they get older, rather than a joint responsibility with siblings. that isn't just because it is my mother... my dh would say the same. He'd far sooner share a boundary with my folks than his - it is personality not relationship.

However, moving would cost your MiL a fortune (selling costs, moving costs, buying costs, plus all the disruption of moving, plus how she manages the renovations, plus extra expense of then getting new curtains etc and potentially furniture that fits). If it is time to move, then you suck that up, but if she is in the next street anyway, then all the 'looking after dc / dc popping round on their own / dh popping in for 30mins' type stuff can still go on without her moving, I'd have thought?

I've got it! How about she moves next door and DH moves in with her! He comes over to do the needed DIY, help with the kids, have dinner, and a shag every so often. MiL gets to clean up after him, do his laundry, and listen to his 'body noises'. You, on the other hand, have a nice, quiet, clean house and a HWB ("Husband with Benefits").

(Yes, I'm joking........I think)

I'm sure that it can work-but with her already being so close, it hardly seems worth it.

Just out of interest, has she ever wanted to move nearer to/in with her otherson?

Another Mil here
No Way
A mile is the nearest I'd cope with