Mother in law wants to buy next door

I don't think its going to be as big a problem as you think OP. My parents bought the house next door to us and its great! I do not even see them every day! And we thought that our dd would be through all the time but nope, she'd rather be here with us. Give it a chance she's probably lonely and wants to be evn closer to ber family. Why is that so bad????

Also agree with troubleandstrifebagforlife we will all be old at some stage (hopefully!) more than likely our kids will have grown up and our husband's will likely go before us. She gave 18 years of her life to raise your husband. I think it's understandable that she wants to feel and be as close as possible to what family she has remaining.

I think setting through boundaries and ground rules is essential.

I also think you shouldn't get too worked up and leave your husband etc, as some PP have suggested, over something that might never happen. It sounds like it's all just an idea at the moment. Lots could happen between now and then. She could realise the cost of moving is too much, she could realise she doesn't want kids around her constantly, the cost of works to the house is too much, a survey could throw up issues with her potentially new house, she could struggle to sell her current house, someone might outbid her and buy the house next door etc. So I'd not go nuclear and divorce the prick, or whatever other people suggest. It is his mum. He loves her and probably sees the pros quicker than you do.

(Obviously he loves you too and is probably just trying to make everyone happy.)

You have a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

I would start sowing seeds about sex noises. I mean, does he WANT his mum to hear you together??

On the plus side, at least she's unlikely to want to come and stay with you... (she said, clutching at straws!)

I have to agree with natjojo. We live 2 doors down from my ILs and it's a godsend. Free childcare and a lovely sense of a close knit family. I am very blessed with a really lovely MIL and FIL (my MILs mum also lives with them) Of course things aren't always perfect. Sometimes we have minor disagreements and feel a bit tense towards each other, but that would happen in any relationship regardless of distance.

My kids have a really amazing relationship with their grandparents and great-nanny. It's really lovely to see. My 3 year old makes a beeline for her great-nanny all the time and will want to call over and read books with her a lot. It makes her day. I hope when I'm 86 I have a grand-daughter or great grand-daughter that does the same.

We lived right next door to my step-GPs growing up. My little sister particularly benefited from this, as when her and mum went through a really rough patch when she was a teenager, my sister would storm off up to her nanny. Not ideal, maybe, but a lot better than her storming off to go drinking in a park or something like that.

I think separate house are much easier to handle than actually living together. Maybe it's worth thinking about what it is that you think would change with her living next door vs her living very close by, where she is now, and discussing this with your husband?

Maybe once you've worked out what it is you are specifically worried about you can address it, and come up with some solutions. Do you think your kids would like having their nanny next door? Maybe your kids calling in with her will alleviate her loneliness and she won't actually be round at your house much? Can you see any other pros apart from the wood burner and garage? Maybe you'd feel more comfortable with some ground rules set down around her dropping by unexpected.

Saying all that I don't know your MIL, So I don't want to push you along on something that you think will honestly be unbearable.

So your DH would pick his DM over you? In that case, I'd leave right now. If he's not putting you and your concerns above those of his DM (who is surely quite close enough, being only one street away!!), then your marriage is effectively over anyway. If he wants to be a mama's boy for the rest of his life, let him, but take the kids with you.

So sad the way we treat elderly relatives in this country.
I’m a community nurse and the loneliness of the people I see is heartbreaking. She would be in a completely separate house and surely you could set some boundaries ? Is your husband her only child? Is she frail or self caring?
In the long term it might be an advantage to you if you can keep her in the house rather than going into care?
Would it really be so intolerable? my sister and me are always trying to persuade my mum to move nearer to us but she won’t hear tell of it instead we feel guilty all the time that’s she’s lonely and negotiating who will go over to see her etc.
Every case is different I know.

Nope...I could deal with living on the same street or 1 street away etc but next door? No. MIL definitely not and even my mother not unless she was getting on and needing care assistance. Living close for convenience yes that’s fine but next door is just a bit much. I’d always feel like my home would be judged and I could never relax properly.

Dh needs to tactfully tell your MIL that as much as you all love her, he needs his own space for his own young family and that it would be unwise to all live on top of each other. He can emphasis the lovely relationship he has with her now and say he would not want anything to ruin it. Then cite some horror story about the very same thing and move on to another subject quickly.

He must understand this will end in tears if you are lucky, a bloodbath if not, and show him this thread.

It will not be useful/good to have a babysitter/work project/ easy neighbour in your mum, it will be none of those fairytale versions it will be a constant intrusion and layer at least one of stress. Don't do it.

she lives a street away not 100 miles, what are her reasons for wanting to live next door?

My MIL died earlier this year after suffering dementia for several years. She was lovely and I'd love her to be well and living next door right now.

This is a ‘its me or your mother’ moment OP.

OMG! Feel so sorry for you - what can you do? Apart from make it very clear to your husband that this is not ok...you can’t stop her buying it though

My BIL has this situation, MIL moved in next door about 6 years ago (from the other side of the country so no friends nearby). He had small kids and the babysitting on tap was a godsend. However, now MIL is getting older, the car is flowing the other way over the fence.... It may not be ideal now but the situation is unlikely to improve ...

think id be running down the road with the kids screaming let me outta here!

Move. Immediately. If it doesn't sell burn the house down.

Seriously my mum and sister live next door to each other and they drive each other insane!

How old in MIL?

Has she been widowed very long? (Advice is often not to make major life decisions for perhaps 2 years after being widowed)

Could there be any benefits to you - in terms of childcare / pet care? / or freeing up more time for yourself?

Could you actively “facilitate” introductions to a load of social activities for your MIl - so she gains a new group of friends of a similar age and maybe keeps busier - but in her current home.

Is she a member of/ or would she join WayUp?...an online support group for widows who chat online and meet for coffee/holidays/outings and so on?

My own mother moved into the adjoining bungalow to my brother without much if any prior consultation! On the whole it has worked well, because she respects their space and privacy and never ventures round unless invited. I however would struggle!

Maybe go out for a meal on neutral territory in a public area so that you can explore/discuss/discount the idea “informally”, but perhaps get your husband to totally lead the conversation, plan ahead, get him to explain quite firmly that you both need your own privacy, quiet and space and everything else that is important to your own wellbeing?

X

Hi there

I have every sympathy as 10 years ago was in the same position and it was so so difficult. Its really hard with someone bereaved as what they need is support but I felt that our family life would no longer be our own and it all caused lots of rows with dh. I had to make my point and it wasn't an easy thing to do but the message got across eventually.
The next challenge after wanting to buy the house next door was trying to take over our holidays which also ended in a row.
I wish you a better time so Good Luck !

Definitely not on my watch 😂😂....nightmare!

Ugh so many typos 😳 I did not me to write me instead of my 🤦‍♀️

Oooooo nooooo that would be a nightmare !

My MIL lived with us for a year and it was non stop coddling of the youngest (the biological grandkid) AND the husband who she enabled into being a petulant baby.
She bought me a book entitled the care and feeding of husbands, would Skype my husband at work telling him things is not done ‘right ‘ with my son , undermined me constantly , would come in after an hour out asking if my son had been ok and safe while she had been gone and she was taking to me EX husband about me and discussing my personal arguments and things with my hubby !

Trust me the worst thing ever to do is live with the inlaws tho to be fair this is a woman who when I was going to marry her son asked me “are you marrying him because you can’t get anyone else !” .... maybe other MIL aren’t so bad 😳😬

Put yours on the market

This can work well for some, I lived next to PIL for a while. Everyone behaved with respect for others privacy and space, it helped that we could come and go without being visible from their house and vice versa. However it doesn’t sound like your MIL has that relationship with you and I suspect from what you have said she has difficulties understanding boundaries. As others have said, I’d be looking at my options if they choose to plough ahead. Your house won’t feel your own and I would want to live with someone who had so little respect for my wishes and feelings.