Mother in law wants to buy next door

Oh dear hot sauce !
You speak from such a privelidged position busy with kids friends etc
It really Doesnt last it seems to me from what I’ve seen.
Try your best to be to older people how you hope your kids will be to you

Id no way in hell stay next to inlaws nor parents for that matter

Sorry, that was to Stillonthatbloodycomputer. FFS, I hit reply, but it didn’t mark it as a reply.

I’m sorry for your loss, but not wanting to live next door to a close family member does not equate relegating them to a “non-person”. My nan who was my mum’s MIL wouldn’t leave her alone; it was terrible for all the relationships between my parents and ultimately us kids.

I’d love to live next door to dd and family. It will never happen as the houses are too big and too expensive. If dh dies before me I will move to the same town as dd etc. They have always said I could live with them but I know it wouldn’t work.

Blimey I'm not understanding some of these posts.
The Mil lives on the next street not a 4 hour drive away.

Family life definitely has changed. Families no longer live near one another as they did up until about 50s/60s. Women worked even then contrary to all the hype about being "just a housewife" in those days. Children were cared for by family members who lived close by. Apart from not earning enough there were no childminders, very few if any, private nurseries so families relied on one another for support. Now we live widespread, earn more, pay for childcare and seem to resent family contact unless it is at our behest. Do you know why your MIL is so desperate to move nearer. Perhaps she thinks she will be helping you out with children. My MIL died quite young as did my own Mum. Can't but feel I would have enjoyed having them nearby.

Terrifyingly I’ve noticed my DH is always up for sex when his DM is in the house or we are in hers... odd! 😳

As a MiL who has been recently become widowed please god that you don't find yourself in the position where you too become a non person , because like it or not that's what happens, cut the woman dome slack ffs, try talking to her

You could say to her she may as well put her money on your house as you would really like to move and find a house any house will do that is completely detached away from her and say that’s what you would like to raise your family in now.

My sympathies OP. We lived with my IL's for a few months, whilst inbetween houses.

Never.
Ever.
Again.

EVER!!!

I genuinely love the woman, and she did us a huge favour letting us stay with them during that time. I thanked her umpteen times for it. But Christ almighty it was a very testing few months!

But, I knew it was temporary and I just grit my teeth through it, keeping the end goal in sight. But with you, that is permanent!

That's scary

Hell no! He needs to know that if it happens you get divorced.

My husband stands firm?
She is only ONE street away now

It sounds extreme but if you aren’t up for it and he won’t budge I would call his bluff and go with this
*Leave and take the kids, get the estate agent round, value the house.

It’s not a threat, it’s a reality.*

Let her buy and then put forsale board up and move

Not a good idea

If he is really standing firm you need to pack your bags.

There is no way I would disregard my DH's feelings on such an important matter.

No. No. AND NO.
Mine is next door.
Do not do it.
No money, land or anything makes this work.
DO NOT DO IT. I cannot write anything else as just thinking about my situation give me The Rage.

As someone who grew up living next to door my Grandparents, from a child’s point of view it’s amazing! I had such a close relationship with them and they, along with my parents and siblings, form the majority of my happy childhood memories. They didn’t let me get away with as much as some Grandparents do because I was there more than someone would ‘normally’ be at their Grandparent’s house. So they more or less followed my parent’s rules. However, them being next door eventually contributed to splitting my parents up when I reached my teens so it clearly didn’t work for them.

One of my siblings now lives next door to my dad and I couldn’t think of anything worse. He knows everything they do, when they go out, if they have a row. I live in the same town and it’s close enough. Having said that, I could happily live next door to my mum or PIL because they wouldn’t dream of interfering.

I do think if you MIL is already only a street away she definitely wants to be in your pockets! Ultimately you can’t stop her from buying the house but you can stop your husband from encouraging it by threat of divorce! Stand your ground, OP.

You should have a serious talk with your husband and at least try to get him to see your (very obvious) objections. You need your own space!
Maybe think out some scenarios along the lines of 1) She buys next door but you have to agree on some rules, those rules are golden. 2) You and husband say no to this together (make sure he doesn't blame you). 3) Start thinking about some relationship/ family therapy. 4) If you are not comfortable with any of the above you should seriously rethink your relationship.
It sounds like husband is not taking your feelings concerning this seriously, does he take you seriously at all?

The problem with saying set strict boundaries is that I sense that both DH and MiL would just ignore them. And if the DH is popping round regularly to use the drive, garage, garden whatever it's a lot harder to say to the MiL 'but you can't come round here'.

I think you might soon find yourself at crunch time OP.

A few roads away has all the convenience for both you and MIL but none of the suffocating stress that next door would inevitably bring.
One of my friends has her parents in the next house, her kids vanish into the next garden (through hedge) to see grandparents without mentioning it. The grandparents suddenly appear in my friends house like it's part of the same home. That can suit some and not others. I would personally hate it. I'd feel like my parents are watching and listening all the time. I couldn't relax and that's even if they are good at boundaries.

Do you get on with your husband? Because you just said he was stupid. I assume this is because he loves his Mum and wants you to come round to the idea.
Why are you and your husband not discussing these problems of communication?
Of course she loves her grandchildren and son... what did you expect? Is she a vile person? I am not clear why you dislike her. Is it because you will lose total control of your household and they will all get lots of attention elsewhere?

I’d stand your ground too if it’s something you really couldn’t live with.
My mil asked us for the granny annex. She wants to sell up and build on the side or back of our garden. We politely declined but happy for a nearby road.

As someone who voluntarily (but under a little duress!) purchased the house next door to their parents DON'T DO IT! I can attribute a part of the downfall of my marriage to the closeness of my mother and suffocation of my husband and I by he mr interference and refusal to accept the property and grounds were mine and not hers eg coming home to find favourite bushes chopped down, painting my fence a different colour because it looked nicer, asking me not to breastfeed in my house as it made my father uncomfortable if he 'popped' in (ie walked into my house without alerting me to his presence) - for the love of God dont do it! If you love your husband, don't do it! If he loves you, dont do it! If you love your MIL, dont do it! If she loves you guys, dont do it! The stress its puts on all of the relationships is incredible. She's clearly lonely (I can sympathise)but get your husband to invest his time in getting her hobbies, new friends, maybe a boyfriend. If he wants the house by all means get it, do it up and then rent it out or punt it - just not to your MIL! Good luck! X