Mother in law wants to buy next door

That would be my worst nightmare, whether it was my DM or my MIL. I don't think they would like it much either, as our adopted DDs are very full on and they're both in their late 70s so would quickly be exhausted.

Just say no, OP, and keep saying no.

I'm a massive hypocrite too, because despite having lived happily with my MIL, I wouldn't even consider it for my own parents (either individually or together). We just don't have that kind of relationship.

I'd be moving out too...... my DPs and DPIL live 2 streets away from each other so DH and I moved 4 miles away into the next town. If either of them wanted to move within a 5 minute walking distance to me, I'd move out.

When I was young and fresh faced fucking naive my FIL applied for planning permission to build a house in their garden the intention being that we move into that.
For some reason it didn't happen and the house didn't get built. Having been NC with MIL for 5 years I can only say thank fuck for that.

Hell to the no. Which makes me a massive hypocrite, because my parents live with DH and me (albeit in a separate part of a large house)... I'm eternally grateful to him for what he's done for them, but to my shame I don't think I could ever cope with MIL even a short travelling distance away. She means well, but can be very rude and intrusive and is just plain exhausting company. I'm holding my breath at the moment because she's contemplating a move and I don't have a leg to stand on if she decides to move to this area, not after what my DH has done for my parents, I'd just have to deal. And probably go mad in the process. wry laugh YANBU in the slightest.

Tread carefully, ezzycozzy.

And pray that this crackpot idea never comes to fruition. I suspect there is a hidden agenda here - your ma-in-law and husband are setting you up as a convenient Carer-Next-Door (unpaid!) for when your MIL should start to go into decline due to age.

If this does happen then that'll be TWO households you'll be running ragged between.

Do what it takes to stop this, for your physical health and mental sanity.

That won't do really you need your own new space

I thought the poo was a welcome diversion

@Kippenbelladonna you need to report it. Click on the three dots on mobile site and report it. MNHQ can delete it. I have reported it for you too.

OMG I just tried to post my first post and complete it messed it up....how do I delete??

Not sure the poo can be blamed on a MIL!

Oh dear, poor you. Late MIL lived about 15 minutes away, BIL half the distance. As she got older she couldn't leave the house by herself. In one way, her living next door would have eased our minds when she got dementia but it would have been a mixed blessing. We would have been closer to hand when she knocked on the windows to passers-by asking them in, etc.

It's a sad situation for you. If you move she'll feel rejected. There's no easy answer to this. You have my heartfelt sympathy.

Noooooooooooooooo.
Your husband needs to let go of the apron strings...
YOU should be his priority now. He sounds like a wimp.
Let him know that you are SO unhappy at this prospect and they'll be no more sex if she moves in next door, you simply couldn't relax enough knowing she might hear you.
Best of luck to you.

bezem I think your idea is spot on. When I said earlier about being a non person, sorry I didn't necessarily mean with my DS and his wife , I mean in society generally. I'm fortunate to live within an hour so visits do need to be planned but even if I lived next door there should still be some boundaries, I'm also very fortunate I get on great with DiL , please just try talking to her and express your concerns, remember conversation is a 2 way street, IF though she refuses to then see your point and wants to interfere then of course you have to make the decision that suits you, but don't break the relationship down if you can come to some sort of compromise .

My MIL is lovely (most of the time). We get on well. When we lived in a different county she never visited and it used to bug me.

We then moved in down the road and I had a baby. She would look in my windows and let herself into my house. I am a private person and hated it. I tackled the window thing and ensure door is always locked. The issue is when driving by she will slow down and look in my window from the street and if she sees me / dgc will pull in and call. This cracks me up and sometimes I won't sit in my own front room as a result. Sometimes I just want peace. As we are renting there was no point in investing in blinds.

We have bought a house 5 minutes drive away. It will be not on her direct and won't be able to see in from road. If she does stuff to annoy me I will tackle it straight away. Not putting up with that shit again. My DH once suggested building in her garden and I made my feelings very clear.

I would list all the pros and cons, for both of you, of her living next door and share them with her. I would not make your husband choose between the two of you, that's not fair. If she does move next door, make sure you draw up a set of dos and donts, e.g. Not walking in each other's houses uninvited.
There actually could be lots of positives of her being so close, particularly with the children. At the end of the day, she can live where she wants. If it doesn't work out, then you could move!

Hell no!!!!!!I text my own parent once a month and he lives in another country.

Ooo, accidental double post, sorry!

"I don't think its going to be as big a problem as you think OP. My parents bought the house next door to us and its great! I do not even see them every day!"

The clue is right there - your parentS (plural). This scenario is the OP's MIL (single, widowed, lonely).
No comparison AT ALL.

I wouldn't do it. My MIL lives 15 minutes away, which is perfect. Close enough but not too close. I get on with her but not to the extent that I can cope with seeing her every day! When we first moved over to Aus, we stayed with her for 6w - that was trying but it was her house so not so bad. But when we moved into our own house and she was in it every day - nope. I had to tell DH to ask her to cut it down - no more than 3 times a week and preferably not just turning up on the doorstep, as no idea what we might be doing or where we might be going.

Couldn't have her next door, no chance.

"I don't think its going to be as big a problem as you think OP. My parents bought the house next door to us and its great! I do not even see them every day!"

The clue is right there - your parentS (plural). This scenario is the OP's MIL (single, widowed, lonely).
No comparison AT ALL.

I wouldn't do it. My MIL lives 15 minutes away, which is perfect. Close enough but not too close. I get on with her but not to the extent that I can cope with seeing her every day! When we first moved over to Aus, we stayed with her for 6w - that was trying but it was her house so not so bad. But when we moved into our own house and she was in it every day - nope. I had to tell DH to ask her to cut it down - no more than 3 times a week and preferably not just turning up on the doorstep, as no idea what we might be doing or where we might be going.

Couldn't have her next door, no chance.

Stillonthatbloodycomputer

I dread being widowed, but there is good chance it will happen. People need to plan for future care needs and not take it for granted that we will be looked after by our DILs.

Many women in their fifties now find they are torn between care of their own elderly parents and those of their in laws. Men often leave care of older parents to their wives, whilst enjoying hobbies such as fishing and golf in later years.

Frank and open discussions need to take place about such expectations. If your son or daughter is happy to agree to take care of you and they agree to this, it is fair enough.

Just moving in next door and assuming this will happen is not.

In later years there will undoubtedly be an expectation that you will provide care for MIL if she requires this. There must be some reason she wants to either live with you or move in next door.

You need to be clear with DH that if the move next door goes ahead (you cannot stop her buying the property), then he needs to be prepared to provide care for her himself and not sit back and expect you to do all of this. Many men see care of the elderly in the family as being a woman's role.

We all get old if we are lucky enough, but we need to plan for any future care and be upfront with the family about expectations. At nearly sixty years of age, no way would I expect to rock up next door to one of my children, with the expectation that I would be looked after in old age.

Try and discuss MILs expectations with her, so you are both clear about the situation.

So what if the woman ‘gave up 18 years of her life to raising him’? It was her choice to have a kid. No one is responsible for another adult, people do not owe their parents anything. For those of us who have abusive, toxic parents that is a very important lesson. We do not owe them anything and are not responsible for them. Expecting your adult offspring to provide nursing care for you because ‘I’m your mother!!’ is appalling.

Sounds as if you have a DH problem if he won't take your concerns seriously.

I would make it clear to both of them you won't be enabling this and you don't think it is a good idea. If your MIL can take a hint she won't buy it. If she is adamant and your DH thinks it is a good idea then there is little you can do about it. I would be telling your DH he can move in with his mum if he thinks it is such a good idea.