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Original poster

Socks for my 40th Birthday

117 replies

Redheadsturnheads · 01/07/2018 07:10

Sanity check - I have a 15 week old baby so may be being hormonal.

It was my 40th birthday yesterday. I said I didn’t want a big fuss ie I didn’t want a party like I had organised for my husband last year/ didn’t want to go away given we had our daughter christened last week and had over 50 people at that. I did say that I would like to go out for dinner without baby.

So during the week I asked who was babysitting on Saturday - cue blank stare from hubby. Followed by frantic texting to his sisters. He the. Started to call round to book a table - we live in a university town and it’s graduation season. He finally got a table booked. So far so good.

So normally he is really good at thoughtful gifts. Lovely jewellery and often surprises me with little things here and there. He had said that he had only got me something small - the girls in work had been teasing him about a ‘push present’ and I assumed he wanted to make it clear that he had t bought me a diamond the size of my head!!

The night before I opened a card from my parents (we have a difficult relationship at times), there was no message inside at all, not even signed and I was a bit upset. He said I know how to cheer you up - you can open my gift early.

So he hands me my gift. It was one of those moonpig type cards (no handwritten message) with a pair of socks. I genuinely assumed that this was a little gift a sort of amuse bouche before the main gift to be served on my actual birthday.

So no gift or handwritten card that morning. I assumed that ah - it must be coming over dinner....

Meanwhile my parents hadn’t even called to wish me a happy birthday and I was upset over that.

Getting ready to go out for dinner was as fraught as these things are with a 15 week old baby that’s breast fed what with pumping milk; tidying the house so my sil doesn’t call social services etc coupled with the fact that I look like a whale...

Dinner came and went and still no gift. By this stage I’m holding back the tears just desperate to leave the restaurant and he’s oblivious. Got back to the car and just sobbed. Told him it was because I was upset mum and dad hadn’t called because I didn’t want him to think I was being a brat.

He’s normally so thoughtful. I’m upset because my parents are either huffing with me for some unspecified reason or forgot it was my birthday or both and all I got was a pair of f&ckinng socks.

So after my SIL left I told him I was more than a bit upset about the socks and lack of handwritten card and that I felt like a totally unloved fat whale and that I had a miserable 40th birthday. I haven’t slept all night because I feel so unloved.

I should say that I was 20 weeks pregnant on his 40th still manage to organise and host a party for 50 people; get a special cake and organised several nice gifts for him and also arranged a dinner out for just the two of us and felt bad I couldn’t do more because I was flat out with work and o was pregnant....

So am I being an ungrateful brat?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 01/07/2018 08:52

IT WAS HER 40TH!

How are socks thoughtful?

TokyoSushi · 01/07/2018 08:51

Oh OP, that's rubbish, happy birthdayGinCakeThanks

BitOfFun · 01/07/2018 08:51

Jesus wept. It's not hard to buy a half-decent gift for your spouse's birthday. Totally cunty behaviour.

pandarific · 01/07/2018 08:50

That's crappy, he's not made much effort - though also curious about the socks, are they special in any way?

I think more talking is in order today once you've calmed down. You were clearly feeling thin skinned anyway due to your parents being jerks, and to be fair, you asked for no fuss so not being very fair comparing it to the excellent fuss you arranged for his 40th, and you did receive a dinner out just the two of you, a card and a (admittedly slightly rubbish) present - perhaps this is a 6/10 that felt like a 10/10 to you because of all the other stuff happening?

Tell him you thought re: push present conversations you thought he was hinting he'd got you some lovely jewellery too; he probably has no idea he'd set that expectation. And see if you could go out for lunch and a wander around the shops and you could pick something together, if that would appeal to you. Thanks

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 01/07/2018 08:48

Yeah yabu. Come on. You did the classic martyr “Oh no...don’t worry about me.”, then fell apart when he took you at your word. You say he’s good at gifts and is normally thoughtful. If you wanted a nice gift you should have said so. Perspective.

^ this.

You said you didn't want a fuss, he didn't make a fuss, it turns out you wanted a fuss and are upset that he didn't read your mind.

He arranged a babysitter and a meal out, got you a card and a small gift and is usually thoughtful. Sounds fine to me.

mangowango · 01/07/2018 08:48

I would be disappointed too OP, but I think we all forget that having a baby is a big life changer for the dads too. It may be that he's a bit over whelmed/knackered etc by the whole thing. Next time you have a free day off together go out for a nice walk and lunch.

pictish · 01/07/2018 08:39

Oh god...how do you get through a single day with all the melodrama Sharpie?

SharpieHorder · 01/07/2018 08:36

I don't think there's any excuse for what OH has done, he's been lazy, and your efforts on his birthday have gone unreciprocated. Also YANBU to have expected some recognition of DCs arrival and should, rightly, have been a little spoiled on your milestone birthday.

OH has a lot of making up to do, and there will be no quick fix. Ignore the unfeeling 'martyr' accusations, what happened was shitty and you are understandably upset. In your place I would be disappointed and angry and OH would be in absolutely no doubt that he has been uncaring, thoughtless and has let you down.

In the greater scheme of things, do you have any explanation as to why it could have happened like this - is there something else going on with OH?

yoyo1234 · 01/07/2018 08:35

You said you wanted no fuss. If I said that to DH at a lean time I would be very upset if he got me a present ( socks may be allowed!).

yoyo1234 · 01/07/2018 08:33

I do not understand this thing about expensive gifts or about a "push" present. I know you say money is not an issue but I think you have to be really rich for it not to be ( house, money for everything for children eg pets, schooling -if choosing private, university support, housing deposits...) I hated spending money on anything other than DC and could your DP be worried about the above and not telling you. We did not do gifts eg Christmas/birthdays for many years to each other ( nearly a decade?). PS DH absolutely adores socks.

Pa1oma · 01/07/2018 08:18

“He had to send off for the socks...”

This is the baffling part. If you’re online, why would you buy socks for your wife - for her 40th? Even if they’re cashmere, he could have bought other items to go with the socks. Or just get jewellery fgs? How hard can it be?

OP, I think you need a better explanation than he’s given you.

pictish · 01/07/2018 08:18

Remember he’s a new parent too. He’s tired and emotional at the moment too...it’s not just mums that struggle to do it all. he dropped the ball when he didn’t even know he was supposed to catch it. Give the guy a break. ffs.

pictish · 01/07/2018 08:13

Does it? i didn’t know the meaning was so specific. Perhaps he didn’t either.

SaveBandit · 01/07/2018 08:12

@pictish I think saying I don't want a fuss means no big party but doesn't mean no present.

I'm sorry you had a rubbish birthday @Redheadsturnheads. Hopefully DH has already made plans to make it up to you Thanks

BlueBug45 · 01/07/2018 08:10

Sorry I agree with the PP never say you don't want a fuss to a man if you do. They will take your word for it especially at times of stress like having a new baby.

pictish · 01/07/2018 08:07

“I said I didn’t want a big fuss.”

“So normally he is really good at thoughtful gifts. Lovely jewellery and often surprises me with little things here and there.“

“Dinner came and went and still no gift. By this stage I’m holding back the tears just desperate to leave the restaurant and he’s oblivious. Got back to the car and just sobbed.”

Yeah yabu. Come on. You did the classic martyr “Oh no...don’t worry about me.”, then fell apart when he took you at your word. You say he’s good at gifts and is normally thoughtful. If you wanted a nice gift you should have said so.
Perspective.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/07/2018 08:04

He had to send off for the socks? Are they special in some way? Handknitted? Cashmere? Had you been complaining about having cold feet when you were pregnant/up at night bf in the early days? What an odd, odd gift otherwise!

kikashi · 01/07/2018 08:02

Happy Birthday. You did the right thing telling him you were upset. Hopefully, he will be more thoughtful in the future.

Original poster
Redheadsturnheads · 01/07/2018 07:59

Some have asked what his response was when, between sobbing (which isn’t like me) I told him how upset I was, he said he was sorry but no real explanation.

Like I say he’s normally very good (although he has forgotten my birthday twice!) and he works in a mostly female team and has lots of sisters so no shortage of women he could have asked if he was stuck for ideas - although let’s face it a bit of jewellery or a bunch of flowers isn’t hard. Money isn’t an issue. He had to send off for the socks so it wasn’t a last minute petrol station purchase. So I am really at a loss.

If he was generally and consistently sh!t I wouldn’t be so disappointed. My parents are always a bit rubbish about Christmas and birthdays and have also forgotten my birthday once before when they were on holiday. So I don’t expect more than a phone call tbh.

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/07/2018 07:58

A first edition by a figure from his field etc. Not from. (It was from me).

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/07/2018 07:58

For his 40th dh got an antique first edition from a figure from his field he had studied closely, and that had been owned and inscribed by another eminent person. For mine I got nothing. Because I'd bought myself something I needed a couple of weeks before and said 'oh well, that could be my present'. He knows (from many previous conversations) that birthdays are important to me and that I like something to open on the day.

The difference to here is that he's perennially shit at gifts, always has been, and prefers his own birthday to be ignored altogether. The worst 'gift' he ever got me, quite a few years ago now, I will keep to myself as it's outing (I know), but it was so bad it was funny. Almost. And he really is an excellent dh in all other respects.

But if your dh has been thoughtful before - and it sounds as if he has - then this is odd. Have you asked him what he was thinking?

Pa1oma · 01/07/2018 07:51

I’m so sorry OP. You poor thing. I can’t understand why he would behave like this on your 40th particularly - and 15 weeks after giving birth! You say he’s generally good with gifts? What was his reaction when you told him how you felt? Maybe he’ll go all out to make it up to you today? I do hope so.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/07/2018 07:46

YANBU at all. Selfish self absorbed arsehole (him not you).

Happy birthday from me op anyway. Sorry your supposedly nearest and dearest were so shit

cholka · 01/07/2018 07:44

Well, you'll be 40 for a whole year, still time to celebrate!
I learned a similar lesson for my 30th. If these celebrations are more important to you than dp, then give specific requests (I want dinner out, a necklace, a handwritten card etc) to avoid disappointment. Or just cut to the chase and organise your own stuff and get him to pick up the tab!
Also you've got a tiny baby and presumably you're both sleep deprived and a bit bonkers - cut a bit of slack for that.

notsohippychick · 01/07/2018 07:43

You poor love. How upsetting for you.

No you deserve more than that! Especially since it’s your 40th and you are probably tired and weary looking after a small baby. You deserved a treat!