Socks for my 40th Birthday

He did what you asked and didn’t make a fuss. You need to be more straightforward about what you actually want. And give lots of warning. Try and forget about it - you’ve a lovely baby and a happy marriage by the sounds of it.

I hope you all remember this next time you think about buying socks for your OH's. It's always a reliable conversation with other married men to talk about the times you have been given socks as a present by your wives - most have and on multiple occasions.

I’m still baffled as to what the actual thought process was that led to, “I know, get her these socks.”

However, even if you put this to one side, his reaction after finding out how upset you are, is what would hurt me more.

For a woman, turning 40 is a big deal. On top of this, you have a 15 week old baby - HIS baby. Most men are in awe if their wives at this point. You no doubt feel out of shape, emotional and exhausted. Unlike most women, you are even working through your maternity!?!

If he has unwittingly upset you (which he has), the normal response to your wife in such circumstances would be to sincerely apologise and do something drastic to make amends - eg. breakfast and flowers this morning, can I take you to the jewellers later and make it up to you? etc, etc.

The incorrect response here is for him to persist in arguing the point and justifying himself by the fact he sometimes holds the baby or whatever. I feel livid in your behalf OP. If I were you (and yes I can be quite dramatic, but still), I would take the baby and go out now. Tell his mother about him and let him worry about where you are.

Ironically there's an ad for socks showing under this post..

I totally understand why this has made you feel so shit - you're feeling vulnerable postnatally and he has just underlined your own ideas about yourself.

There is no way 'no fuss' can be interpreted as 'no gift' and also no way 'I'd like to go out for dinner' can be interpreted as 'I wouldn't like to go out for dinner' so anyone claiming it's OPs fault is either not reading or deliberately misunderstanding.

YANBU OP! Call him up on his shitness. And choose yourself a nice bracelet.

Happy birthday OP- sorry to read it was crap.

I don't think YABTU in being upset but hope that in years to come it will be a big joke and an occasion to take the mickey out of him.

Mine took "I don't want a big fuss" very literally too but it taught me a lesson as I was very upset yet kept thinking "he's a simple and literal creature..."

I agree if he's usually good at gifts then there's a reason why he flopped this year. Especially with a milestone birthday.

But if he normally buys you lovely gifts there's a reason he didn't this time OP.

It seems to me a misunderstanding, he has been too literal minded. With you just having had a baby he might have thought you meant “we have other priorities now” when you said you didn’t want a fuss.

That said, even though my DH has occasionally missed the mark with gifts, he’d never dream of giving me an unhandwritten moon pig type card for an ordinary birthday never mind a milestone one. Sorry you didn’t enjoy your birthday OP

Then he is being a dickhead.
My DH actually said to MIL in front of me " 40 isn't a big birthday, Gertie doesn't want anything doing, she can't do because SHE hasn't organized anything !"
My jaw hit the floor & MIL wiped the floor with him- he had had a 40th and a 50 the that I'd planned and paid for, as well as as tickets to a must see gig and hotel / train tickets all paid for by me. She asked him why the hell it would be up to me to organise my own birthday treat.
She was magnificent and it was the only time she ever commented on our relationship.

I too would be very upset. My DP is always hit and miss with presents. Some years he is really good and other years I end up with tat that wouldn't of taken much thought. On those tat years I am always a little upset and feel that as partners I should be able to tell him so.
But did he view taking you out as a present? My DP would have done, and in our relationship, I would have been happy with that as it isn't something we often do.

It could be a mixture of sleep deprivation, teasing at work making him overthink, him feeling neglected at home, overworked etc... Not that any of it make it right, but if he is otherwise great would be worth a proper sit down chat about it all, but both agree to keep it a calm chat about life, not just how you feel about not having a present. Although that is shit.

Why do you think he didn't bother OP if he normally buys you such lovely and well thought out gifts?

Could it be because you'd said you didn't want a fuss after all?

To me this sounds like mis-communication. You asked not to have a big fuss - he has interpreted this in every way - no party, no dinner (until you prompted), no big present. In your mind you seemed to have meant you would like a date with the two of you and some jewellery, he has not understood it this way. He obviously isn't a mind reader and wasn't attuned to what you meant. Try to be clearer infuture. I know where you are coming from because my OH has zero idea what I'd like. I simply tell him and he tells me that he really likes this and we're both happy.

I'd visit him at work and show off the fabulous gift of socks that you got for your 40th, wonder what the women there would think of that. Or put the on FB thanking him for being so bloody thoughtful.

You are right - it is called being a father and a decent human being. I hate this idea of how the man is "helping" with the baby/housework - it's meant to be a partnership!

It's good that you have worked out the nub of what is making you feel unappreciated and unloved and that you called him out on it. Hopefully he'll think about it and step up.

I wouldn't include getting a decent present in a 'big fuss' - a big fuss is a party, balloons, clowns, etc

Yes he is a new parent but he knew your birthday was coming - it wasn't a fucking surprise. Socks - I'd have strangled him with them.

Our youngest was 11 days old when I turned 40 - I got a massive present (baby & birthday combined) but no fuss - I mainly sat on the settee breastfeeding & crying & sweating.

Tell him you're disappointed & that you are giving him advanced warning that your 41st better be amazing, then let it go. You've got too much other stuff to be worrying about to let this get you down xx

I got socks for my first birthday as a mum...
...from my baby, and they were ‘best mummy’ socks or something similar.

I’m not great at receiving gifts (don’t have space, have particular tastes) so DH sometimes plays it too safe and easy, but this is very, very bad. I’d frame them as a PP said...

You need to read Love Languages. One of yours is obviously giving and receiving gifts. DH and I both have to work really hard on kids birthdays as we are really don't care about our own. DH is 50 this week. He is off to a conference and will not even be home. Our big summer holiday is his present as far as he is concerned as we are staying with his relatives in Argentina. The kids have got him some little things and I got him a second hand Dunoon mug off eBay and I went to Holland and Barrett and got some of his favourite healthy snacks. You told him you did not want a big fuss and he took you literally.

To be honest I think most men are terrible at buying presents

Nope. You don't lose the ability to be thoughtful towards your partner just because you've got a penis.

YANBU nice flowers, a voucher, some decent toiletries are fairly easy to sort out even last minute.
Maybe he is finding work/new baby a bit of a shock & just didn't get himself organised rather than it being intentionally thoughtless.
Hope you get some other gifts x

YANBU at allllll!!!!!!