DP thinks I'm ungrateful and nobody else 'gets' my concerns either

Mascara - don't sell your property and see how it goes with your DP???? But maybe if you are having these serious doubts then he is not the right man for you????? A woman's intuition is very strong and accurate and so if you are having gut feelings about this being a bad idea, then it is probably for a reason.

Good luck!

Sorry to say - whether Xenia's suggestions make things slightly better for you on the legal / financial front or not - the most worrying thing about this situation is your DP's attitdue towards you. Does he ever compromise on these bnig issues? Listen to your oopinion and really take it on board? Act in your interests? Try to make YOU happy?
Do you have children together? Is he thinking about how to provide best for you, the mother of those children? It doesn't sound like it.

mascara, maybe you are a bit too worried about relinquishing control, but I would feel the same way about moving into someone else's house.
dont take this badly - but would it make a difference if you loved him more, would you be happier about this?
I do feel, as others have said, that he should be more sensitive to your concerns, and think a bit more about reassuring you (ie joint names) rather than claiming tax on the business or whatever he is doing.

must admit, the fact that he refuses to marry would sound alarm bells for me, but that is just a personal view.

Mascara we are lucky on MN to get Xenia's legal opinion for nothing and it sounds pretty sensible to me.

Sorry if I've missed it, but do you and dp have any children?

This is the difference between marriage and just living together. They are very very different states legally and probably emotionally and practically too. Lots of people live together but apart - kee their own places and just come together when they want to. Why don't you do that?

If not then you can't force someone to own a property jointly with you and I don't think you're planning to put your house jointly in his name either. You keep your house and move rent free into his and keep the rent on yours? It sounds like a good deal. If he wants you to pay rent .. oh yes you said so well that's rare if you're a happily together couple - then you will want an assured shorthold tenancy from him I suppose and rights not to be asked to leave without proper notice. Whatever you do don't move in until you have a contract drawn up by a lawyer about what happens if things go wrong. Also might he make a will in your favour if you are very close and that kind of thing?

what about the marriage question

honestly if you were married it would be a moot point because you'd own half no matter who's name it was in

Having been there done it and got severly burnt I would never live in a house with a man if I did not ahve a finanial stake in the house.

It doesn't matter if he is a millionaire, building a mansion for you to lie about in eating chocolates all day - he STILL isn't giving you any equal rights to the property (ones that would be recognised in the eyes of the law if he dropped dead / ran off with the tart next door etc etc). You only have the 'say' he will decide to give you, when he decides to give it to you. What he giveth, he can taketh away. All the control is in his hands. I don't think you are being stupid or selfish or controlling to question this arrangement BIG TIME. He could be Donald Trump (hopefully with better hair? lol), offering you the world on a plate, and I would still say 'What are your legal rights? What is your contingency plan? Does he CARE about any of this?' The fact that he is dismisisng your fears and refusing to let a proper discussion be had also sets off major alarm bells ringing for me.

i don't think you're unreasonable to hav doubts, but it is also a BIG change from your current status. Is the plan that eventually you'll buy this house together, or could it be sold by the business if they want some money?

Whilst it's nice to have everything just as you want it - that will never happen in a shared house anyway - i get quite stroppy that dh presumes his choiced were OUR choices. usually we both end up compromising.

he sounds like a 'go with the flow' person who just doesn't understand your worries. could you try living there & rent out your house for a while (six months) before making a final decision?

can you rent out your house and hedge your bets as it were?

well it makes sense to me, I'd feel exactly the way you do.

blu's right - did occur to me that dp appears to being quite smart about making sure he keeps his hands on this property

On the contraray, katybird - he seems to be acting in a way that keps his rights in the very event of a break-up paramount!

Either propose a 'no-strings, no liability, no stake' arrangement as i outlined below OR a complete shared mortgage, shared equity, shared input into kitchen design. If he won't do the latter, do not invest a penny in the new house!

You're not being unreasonable at all. You definitely need to have a stake in the house, even if it's not financial. The benefit of a joint mortgage is that if something happens to one partner the second doesn't lose the house (obviously oversimplifying here but you get my point!). He may not want to think about what will happen if you split up, as he'll assume you won't, but what if something happens to him? You need to know you have an equal right to the property, especially as you have a daughter.

He needs to compromise - if he has a bar then you should get something in return. It might be his money but it's going to be your home.

I think it is v unwise to go into a big arrangement like a house together unless every detail of the financial arrangement is understoof in advance. especially if you are not married.

if he won't be clear, then you can be.

if you really wnat to do this, draw up a proposal: the house is his, he will pay all maintenance, upkeep including mortgage etc - but you will pay half of all bills. Meanwhile you will keep your house, paying it's upkeep etc, and renting it out. Don't make any offer to pay towards a house you have no stake in.

Don't, whatever you do, sell your house.

It's ridiculous to think that anyone could develop a shared house for shared living unless both had a say in how it was....so no, you are not selfish - you are expecting what would be normal in a normal loving togethery partnership. he is not behaving as if he is doing that at all.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Why doesn't he want to buy / build a house together with you if you're looking at spending the future together? It seems strange to build a new house for himself and then expect you to live in it (wether you contribute - like a lodger! - or don't - which would be equally stupid). And why isn't he even discussing what will happen between the two of you financially and practically when the house IS built? He sounds incredibly selfish and like he really isn't factoring you into his future at all. Have words with him! xx

If you're paying rent to dp's company, do you not have some rights? Could you perhaps draw up a contract regarding your rights, including late night noise (I have seen late night noise restrictions written in to tenancy agreements)

BTW, sorry if this is nosy, but what are you doing with the money from the sale of your place? Are you not investing it in this property?

mascara, i really don't mean to be harsh, but i'm really surprised you're still with this guy.

Nope - don't think yabu as sounds like you are moving into some kind of dream lads show home (whilst giving up your home) and does sound like a bit onesided in DP's favour.

Plus the stress and hassle of building this house can hardly be great for your relationship.