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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP thinks I'm ungrateful and nobody else 'gets' my concerns either

58 replies

MascaraOHara · 23/05/2007 17:35

Everybody else also thinks I'm ungrateful/unreasonable but I just can't come round to there way of thinking

As some of you will rememebr dp was on about building a house sometimes ago. This has dragged on for so long as they couldn't get planning permission but now it's moving along which is great.

However now it's actually underway I have lots of doubts/concerns that are niggling at me. he thinks I'm ungrateful and others I speak to think he's right but...

I am uncomfortable with the fact that I will never have a financial stake in the house that he expects me to live in. He doesn't know how the finances will work yet but I assume that I will be expected to pay rent(?) to his company (as the business will own it)?? he can't give me a straight answer.

He wants a bar. I don't. He's told me he's having it. Will this mean he's having his mates back all weekend? probably. I'm thinking over my dead body. At the same time I'm thinking is this what it'll be like, his way or nothing.

I don't know if I'll get any say in what the house looks like or the kitchen etc

What if we want something like a new kitchen? will I be bale to haev the one I want? will I have to contribute? probably but then if anything goes wrong I'll always walk away with nothing.

I'll have to keep my house on and rent it out in case I ever need something to fall back on.

The things is I just feel like now that I might as well just stay living on my own as this house will never truly be ours as such and we will never be a partnership. I'll always be living in somebody elses house.

Does any of this makes sense? its a bit muddled but there are so many concerns and out of each concern there are so many what if's and little niggling things.

The few people I have told about my worries have called me a control freak and/or ungrateful. In my head I'm thinking why am I ungrateful? because I'd rather take on a mortgage with him and be equal than be picked up and put somewhere that he decided. Oh I don't know. Need to talk it through but he doesn't even begin to understand where I'm coming from. I have dd to think about too.

I might only live in a 2 up/2 down but it's mine.. I own it, I am responsible for it, I have in it what I can afford and I make choice about what to do with it based on that. Does that make sense? I don't know. Tell me I'm mad, I think I may well be.

(sorry)

OP posts:
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Monkeytrousers · 26/05/2007 00:55

Well that's an ideal anyway

paulaplumpbottom · 25/05/2007 17:28

This does not sound like a relationship between equals

Monkeytrousers · 25/05/2007 17:26

good luck

Original poster
MascaraOHara · 24/05/2007 22:10

No MT you are right, I own my own property and will keep it.

I don't know how much he knows about the finances, I don't know if they've got that far. The house is just being built for dp or 'us' as he keeps reminding me.

They really don't need to worry about money too much, thay'll just pay for it.

It's just a case of he and I needing to sort the situation out between ourselves. I just need to find away to makle him understand.

He's not a hunter gatherer, he's a 'let-everything-fall-in-his-lap' type

I will try and talk to him again this weekend.

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 24/05/2007 21:13

I though MoH owned her own house already? Not the one her Dp is buying with the company. I meant if she hangs on to her 2up/2down. Have I read it wrong?

casbie · 24/05/2007 16:08

sadly, it's sounds as if this man isn't taking your feelings into consideration.

if he's working on a build, he should know exactly how much it's costing, how much of the finacial stake he will have in it, whether you'll be on the deeds too, whether is father is doing this as an investment or out of the goodness of his heart, whether if the business goes tits-up - will you loose the house to a debt collection agency/suppliers/stakeholders etc

if he doesn't know these figures off the top of his head, he isn't a good buisnessman.

the over-riding question is 'Do you trust this man?'

Judy1234 · 24/05/2007 15:46

Even in marriage people differ on joint accounts, spending and what needs approval/agreement and what doesn't.

I konw a man who said he'd buy his wife a very expensive BMW sports car if she'd had the 4th child he wanted but he didn't. They both work full time and she earns lots and she did and she got the car.... Although I'm not sure that's how most couples go about negotiating another baby but whatever works for you.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 24/05/2007 15:45

Hmm
I wouldn't touch this arrangement with a bargepole tbh

What comes across really really really strongly, is that it is not a partnership.

Which is fine if you're not looking for one, but otherwise...

littleolwinedrinkerme · 24/05/2007 15:37

MOH - I think that if he understood and appreciated your feelings and values he would listen. He seems abit blinkered to me - does he feel like the 'hunter gatherer' must provide for my woman sort? Maybe he just does not realise that you really do feel so very strongly? or is he just an arse? Difficult one for you - good luck

Blu · 24/05/2007 15:16

Under those circumstances, it would be no-one else's business whether you bought a car or not! If it isn't your business what kitchen he spends HIS money on, it isn't anyone else's business (and who is the 'they'?? His dad?) what you spend your money on.

I think all this needs talking through thoroughly - personally I wouldn't be able to live with this level of 'ifs and buts'. You can't just leave everything and see what happens. If he's being nice and supportive enough to take your dd to school etc he can have a calm talk with the person he says he wnats to spend his life with!

Original poster
MascaraOHara · 24/05/2007 15:11

sorry cross-wires. He's not asking me for rent. We (or he) would pay rent to the company. Effectively he'd be paying rent to himself if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
MascaraOHara · 24/05/2007 15:09

We will get married one day according to him. When the house is finished and I do believe he has every intent to marry me once the house is sorted.

Realistically he can't afford to get a mortgage with me as he has a mortgage on some land with his dad.

I don't think he wants me to understand his financial status because he doesn't have any 'real' outgoings and I would want to know where it's all going. It might indicate that he hasn't given up the habit of his that I had a real problem with. Although I'm fairly sure he has

I think Blu has hit it on the head to be honest.

I'll definitely be keeping my house regardless.

See then there's another side to this. If he's paying the rent and I want to, I don't know, say go out and buy myself a ridiculous ly expensive car - what will they think? Will I have to explain that actually we have completely seperate lives financially and I bought it with my own money. What if one has to keep up with the other financially.

Crap, need to stop thinking about it as there are just to many unknowns to work out a logical plan of action. Thing is, can I genuinely forget about all this until the house is built and then start asking questions?

He has been very good lately, not going out, helping with dd every morning, babysitting etc He honestly does seem to be a changed man. maybe he honestly does just want us to move in a be together.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 24/05/2007 15:00

Blu is right. If they were married and then divorced and the company owned the house 100% then she'd just be entitled to may be 50% of his half share in the business and the business could easily be made to have virtually no worth even with the house in its assets. It might be tax efficient for the father and son but it doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for domestic fairness and stability. It's a bit much him asking for rent if they love each other and are in a close relationship too.

caterpiller · 24/05/2007 14:10

How well do you know this man? These sentiments sound more like those in the very early stages of a relationship. Is there no trust?

Mumpbump · 24/05/2007 14:09

I wouldn't do it, no way, absolutely not! Quite frankly, I would rather have the mortgage if it was the only way to have an interest in a property. Keeping your flat is a good idea - I did this when dh and I bought a place together as a bolthole which could be given to our children in due course if I never needed it.

People like to buy outright if they can because paying rent is (correctly in my mind) seen as throwing money away. The set up is fine for him if he has an interest in the company which is being paid, but no good for you. What about suggesting setting up a subsidiary company in which you both have shares? I don't know the in's and out's of your finances and how the house being owned by a company works, but that would be one solution.

Fimbo · 24/05/2007 13:56

I would feel like you.

But, do you want to be with him? Are you happy to settle down and stay with him forever?

If you stayed in your house, would you still see him, or would it be the end in his eyes if you didn't move in?

If all else fails can you show him this thread?

Sixofone · 24/05/2007 13:52

Oh God. If a bloke called me fat or ugly, I could live with it. If he called me stupid, he'd be out on his ear

doggiesayswoof · 24/05/2007 13:49

Agree with Blu's posts. Sounds like he avoids talking financial details with you because he doesn't want to think about them himself?

A few things I picked up on -

  1. He won't marry you - is that never, or not until after the house is finished?
  2. He called you 'stupid'!
  3. He refuses to talk to you about something that concerns you.

You know, you may end up with fewer rights than the tenants who will rent your house. In your position I wouldn't be happy with that - and actually I wouldn't want to live with someone who'd categorically refused to marry me. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

OrmIrian · 24/05/2007 13:44

No you aren't. I have often wondered how I'd feel in that scenario - if DH wasn't around - and I think I'd very reluctant to give up my financial security in the shape of my own home. It's my children's as much as mine. Keep your own place and play it by ear with the new house.

Original poster
MascaraOHara · 24/05/2007 13:39

I won't be moving in until I fully understand the finances of it all.

should also say that I won't be paying him rent. We (possibly he) will be paying rent to his business iykwim.

I do keep trying to forget it all and just be happy. it'll be lovely I'm sure but at the same time I can't just comprehend what's going to happen

OP posts:
Original poster
MascaraOHara · 24/05/2007 13:36

I think the words that came out of my mouth when he mentioned his bar was "Over my dead body"

I think it's hard for him as his dad's involved. He's told me there'll be room for a bar and for me to have my own room (an office more than likely)

I think he just envisages this life where we live there forever more and that's that.

I have to admit to suddenly feeling tied to one place/one person for the rest of my lfie and i suddenly find it a little scarey/sad, he'd never move so i'd never move. No more dreams. I think it's a lot about control for me.

OP posts:
Blu · 24/05/2007 10:30

Yes, but even if Mo'H was married, if the huse belongs to a business owned by her DH and FIL, rather than personally by the couple, then would she own half by virtue of marriage??
Mo'H the main thing is that he doesn't seem to have the sensitivity to understand that whatever the legal ownership of the house, if it is a house for you two, then you need equal say in building it - a shared partnerhipIt's not, in that context, to do with building a house, it's about creating a home. You would think he wuld enjoy the excitement of doing it together - or otherwise let you get in with it if he is the kind of man who can't be bothered with interiors. But to keep decision-making between him and his dad is an investment, not a home, and you are right.

A bar sounds totally naff, anyway! I doubt whether the presence of a bar will determine whether his mates wil be round drinking all the toime - if that is what he is planning, they won't actually need a home bar in the corner to achieve it.

Monkeytrousers · 24/05/2007 10:19

You are in a pretty strong position though still having your house if anything does go wrong. Maybe give it a go. But sort out what the bar means

Lolly68 · 24/05/2007 10:16

I am in a similar situation with my DP. I moved into his house where the mortgage is in his name. I rented before I met him because I could not get on the mortgage ladder so to speak. Whatever you do dont sell your house I made that mistake once before and regretted it ever since. If me and DP split up I would have no claim on the house that I have made my home (and I wouldn't expect to either) and sometimes I wish we could go and buy somewhere jointly together but I have to wait for him to agree to this.

warthog · 24/05/2007 07:40

i've been in your situation before. so frustrating, because he's making decisions that impact on your life and you have no say. i'd be very unhappy with this situation. i think you need to weigh up your relationship and decide whether this is a deal-breaker. as you say, you can't look at this issue in isolation.

but i do think you need to have an up-front financial agreement before you move in, otherwise, don't move in. and definitely don't sell your house!