To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

Maybe he has Williams Syndrome. That's basically the opposite of autism where someone has far too much empathy and emotional connection to other people.

His behaviour is seriously not-normal. It reads like the kind of backstory you see in the papers after some bloke has done something really horrific to his partner and/or kids.

Are you on good terms with his family/mutual friends? If there is an escalation that is worrying the rest of them, it might actually be worth involving them; having them come round and speak to him and be blunt about the fact that he is behaving like a knob, they are all concerned for his mental health and that you are sick to fucking death of it.
If this is some kind of developing mental illness then there is a chance that it might respond to treatment. Also, having other people in the house and in your lives is going to be useful for you if he can't or won't change his behaviour, because then you will have a source of support when if you have to leave him or throw him out, and these people will know that he is controlling and abusive (and/or mentally ill) rather than buying into the dangerous bullshit that he is a 'nice' man who 'just really loves you'.

I’m sorry OP, but this sounds way too intense to me. Something has to change, but I’m not sure he’s able to...

It does sound obsessive, which is very different to love. It’s all part of the same jealousy issue which could be a serious problem. You need to deal with this.

Don’t show gratitude for all these ‘lovely’ gestures when you’ve told him you don’t want them. Just repeat that they are unnecessary. Encourage him to meet with friends and family and make sure you do the same.

Ditto smileybar-man often portrayed as loving family man-kept themselves to themselves etc-there doesnt have to be violence...you are an object to him to serve his needs / ideals, not a person with independent thought. Honestly he sounds much more scarier than someone who is physically violent

The more I read your posts op the more I can relate. Lots of others have given you advice on how to deal with/talk to him about it, please do because further down the line if you're like me you may feel trapped. Don't get me wrong I love my dp & when things are good we are great & I'm happy but I do find it exhausting. I feel guilty quite often for unknowingly/unintentionally upsetting him, wary of talking to other men, avoid certain topics of conversation, get told I don't prioritise him enough etc etc. It's hard work.

OP I am sorry but I agree with Returnofthesmileybar .

I find his obsession quite terrifying- flattering while you are together, but could you imagine if you broke up? He could turn out to be something quite awful.

I would be planning my escape plan.

Crikey! If your friends have noticed and his family are wondering what is going on I'd be telling them all about it. You need an escape plan just in case. I can't see it getting better as his attention towards is ramping up even more. Stay safe op.

OP, how did it go today regarding texting you at work?

I'll get flamed for this but my first thoughts after reading your updates was:

Oh we'll read about you on the front of the paper one day, you won't be around to read it though.

Not nice but he sounds like one of those lunatics that murders his family and then himself and leaves a note about how they all need to be together.

FYI: someone not being violent and not saying anything when you go out with your friends are not reason to stay with a physco

You have to essentially train him in the way you train a puppy (and that is not meant in a disrespectful way). Please only message me du ring my lunch break and if I am free, I will text/call you back. Tell him that I cannot keep contacting you during periods when I am on work time otherwise I will be fired (set your phone to silent so you can enforce this by totally ignoring his calls and texts outside of these times). Advise that you are pregnant and uncomfortable ALL of the time, therefore you appreciate the foot rubs and massages, however, you will let him know when you want to instigate things and that includes sex. It might help you to see if you can get him some kind of daddy pregnancy/bible literature concerning what a pregnant women is experiencing and how he should be helping you on a more practical basis. Rather than wanting to get jiggy with you when you're potentially feeling sick, uncomfortable, tired, sensitive and potentially exhausted. Just be firm and tell him that it's not personal, every man goes through this with a pregnant partner and you need some space. I think he's just genuinely delighted and all loved up that he's created this new life and it's made him closer to you.

Op are you really just not seeing g what the rest of us are?
He has dropped his friend, family,is jealous of your past,anyone you may know at work.What ever you are planning to do when the baby is born he will want you to be a SAHM.You will slowly become isolated because he wants you on your own.
This has happened to others before who thought it couldn't.
Please listen.

OP my ex was a bit like your DP during our relationship but on a much smaller scale. When I had our child and couldn't give him the attention he wanted/needed, he soon got his fix elsewhere. These people need attention the same as they need air, please be wary.

STBXH and I separated over his similar behaviour. It was lovely at first and I felt so special, but after DCs were born it just got worse and while he wouldn't tell me I couldn't go out, he made it so difficult practically and emotionally that I'd end up not going, and then my friends stopped asking me to go out and he was happy.

We eventually went for counselling when I couldn't handle it any longer and he couldn't understand why I'd want to go out when he felt we had everything we needed under our own roof and shouldn't need anyone else.

I'm not saying you're where I was OP, but there was a gradual erosion of my freedoms and it took me years to notice it,

This is weird. What happens when the baby appears?? Its not normal.

I think you need to mention this to his parents and your friends.....

You seem very conditioned that this is normal - it isn't.

And that is how abuse works.....

OP you haven't said if you have male friends and if so whether or not he minds you socialising with them.

Just be very wary OP, talk to your midwife.

Men like this often turn around and blame you, they’re just a ‘nice guy who wants to treat you right’. So it’s your fault that you don’t accept what every woman really wants, that you don’t accept the love of a nice man, so there is something wrong with you. You don’t know how lucky you are...You must have another man, you must be one of those dumb women that likes bad guys, you don’t love him properly and on and on...

There is no respect for your thoughts or views, be careful not to just pay the part of the dutiful wife to keep the peace.

Please talk to your parents or friends. They have picked up on it and mentioned it to you, I very much doubt they see it as a compliment. I think they are quite worried about you.

The "jealousy" described here is a control tactic.

I would be extremely wary of "couples counselling". These a his issues, that he needs to take responsibility for and address on his own. As others have said, unless the counsellor is one of the rare ones to be clued up on abuse he's likely to end up shifting the blame onto you with their endorsement.

Let him go to therapy on his own. Get yourself a place on the Freedom Programme. Whether or not you intend to listen to the advice here about leaving him, it will help you understand what he's doing, how incredibly unacceptable, abnormal, and abusive it is - and how a regular human being should behave towards you.

As for the poster who said he's "not controlling" because the op is "free" to go to work - of course he is. Coercive control doesn't mean someone has you chained in the basement, it means you have to radically change your own behaviour because you're afraid of their reaction or their actions limit what you can do; become afraid to say no; have to curtail your activities because of incessant texts, phone calls, etc; stop going out or standing up for yourself because he cries; stop socialising with men because he gets "jealous"; give up your job and lose your friends because he keeps you endlessly pregnant to get his "big family"....

The whole point of it is that to people who don't understand abuse, the individual aspects or incidents viewed in isolation can be brushed off as trivial. You have to look at the bigger picture and the consequences.

Echobelly Wed 30-May-18 09:53:00

I think his reaction to discussing things will tell you a lot.

Eg, a healthy response would be 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea, I just wanted to show you that I cared and that I'll be a good dad but I've got it wrong, what can I do to make things right?' ie, wanting to listen to you

A poor one would be 'But it's only because I love you, I'm just sorry you don't love me as much' ie Shutting you down and making you feel bad.

This ^^

Jealous , possessive,controlling, charming, romantic.......he has all the traits of a typical abuser.. pattern of behaviour usually escalates once children are involved .....ypu love him...you wont leave at the moment until it gets much worse ....but you really need to...

OP another mumsnetter who's very concerned for you.

Do you have a friend irl you could talk about this with, maybe just show them the thread?

Talk to him by all means but you def need to raise this at your next counselling session! And try and find someone IRL that you can confide in who will help you stay strong in however you choose to work this out. You need someone you can lean on OP. You can chat here but having someone physically there for you is going to be important I think!