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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to live up to DH's level of romanticness/obsessiveness?

341 replies

frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:07

I realise I may come off as a bit of an ungrateful b*tch, but my DH's behaviour has become so intense over the time we've been together and lately it has gotten a lot worse and is starting to make me feel so bad that I am not able to reciprocatesee on the same level.

We've been together for 4 years and are expecting our first child. He is lovely in almost every way, I'm his first kiss/girlfriend/wife/everything even though he is good looking, has a good career and is very likeable. He's always been very romantic, but since finding out I was pregnant 6 months ago, it's gotten a lot more intense.

He brings me flowers every day or every other day! I like flowers as much as the next woman, but..
He messages me from work constantly to check up on how I am doing. If I don't reply for 30 mins, he gets nervous and calls. This is intense as I am still working.
He buys me presents at least once a week, books, jewelry, clothes, you name it. We're on an average income and I keep telling him we could probably spend that money some other way. He never spends a dime on himself.
He writes super long, heavy love letters several times a month.
He's made us these homemade photoalbums with stories and pictures of us and he knows NOTHING better than to go through them every weekend. This can take up to an hour and a half each time. It's very sweet but so hard to find something new to talk about every time! (it's starting to feel like I am looking at old pictures with my Grandma!)
He wants to massage me, cuddle, give me footbaths, make love several times a day. Again, this probably sounds lovely, but he gets hurt if I say no because I am reading a book or watching a film.

... and the list goes on.

AIBU to think that this is intense, that this is not the average behaviour from your OH? He has started implying that it makes him sad that I don't seem to want him as much as he wants me Hmm which I don't think is fair. Obviously I love him very much, I am carrying his child and I am affectionate but the truth is I do feel it's getting a bit too much. Don't want to hurt his feelings though!

OP posts:
Jux · 29/05/2018 23:09

Suffocating. Tell him. Don't be jokey about it, but firm. Watch his reaction closely.

Deshasafraisy · 29/05/2018 23:09

He had mental health issues.

Notveryladylike · 29/05/2018 23:05

I am presuming here that you are both young with this being first child etc, sorry if I am wrong, just the impression I get. Usuall on MN you will have people disagreeing with each other on wether things are right or wrong, normal or not normal. Pretty much every single one of these posts are telling you, no this is not normal. This is advice from outsiders and sometimes it takes someone on the outside to see what's going on because the person in the situation is too close to the problem and maybe doesn't want to see it. No one can tell you what to do but I think from what we have heard it's all a bit concerning.

Sametimesameplace · 29/05/2018 23:05

Why did he not ever have a girlfriend before you?

fitbitbore · 29/05/2018 23:05

This can't be real surely no man behaves like this!!!! I'd be horrified if my oh wouldn't leave me alone.

AtSea1979 · 29/05/2018 23:05

I’d be pissing off that he’s spending all your money on flowers when you’ve got baby stuff to buy and childcare to save for.
I’d ask him in no uncertain terms not to contact you during working hours.
If he tried the sad face on when I didn’t want sex I’d walk out.

bunbunny · 29/05/2018 23:04

Do you know it's going to be a son?

If not, need to make sure he realises that it could also be a dd and that you will be thrilled either way - if he is obsessing about a son then that's not going to be good if you get a dd. Apologies if you already know!

I would also try making a tally of all the money he has spent on you in the last month/6 months/year. If it's lots of little treats, he might not realise how much it soon mounts up - and you can show him that a) with the baby coming you need to cut back on fripperies (sorry, not sure how best to call them but it seems appropriate) and that with all the money he's spent over the last 6 months you could have had a lovely break away or a brand new camera [or ipad or whatever expensive nice 'toy' you would love but put off buying because it's expensive and you're saving due to the baby) and yet you don't have anything to show for it. Plus just occasionally you want to choose your own book/chocolate/outfit...

And if he tries the 'you don't want me as much as I want you' point out that he has changed - and not for the better - over the years, and that whilst you still love him lots, before he was a much more rounded person, now he has become obsessed with you and it's not really healthy or much fun for you...

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2018 23:02

Is he happy about you going back to work after the baby?

TarragonChicken · 29/05/2018 22:59

I couldn't deal with this. I suspect it might be anxiety/insecurity related but it would drive me mad. I need my space!

YoucancallmeVal · 29/05/2018 22:58

Fml my skin is crawling for you. Good luck with that one, just the sound of him makes me want to bleach my body. Np fucking wistfulness in this camp, man's q fruit loop.

RedDwarves · 29/05/2018 22:57

It sounds awful.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 29/05/2018 22:57

honestly he sounds needy and controlling and is waving big red flags in your face.

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/05/2018 22:56

What happens at the weekend when he gets out the photobooks and you say 'sorry, no, I want to do something different. Why don't we...'

Because his reaction to you telling him no will tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
frogsinthepond · 29/05/2018 22:55

He's very excited about the baby. He's always made it clear he wanted a big family and says he can't wait to see me with his son etc. We babysit his sisters toddlers weekly and he loves every minute of it, so in all fairness, I don't think he'd be jealous of the baby. He's definitely more paternal than me.

He doesn't mind me going out and won't text when I am out. But he is always just sitting at home, never wants to go out on his own. He says there's no point in him to socialise anymore as he wants to be a full time dad/provider/husband and that his friends are childish anyway.

OP posts:
LondonKitty · 29/05/2018 22:55

It sounds suffocating to be honest, Op. You are entitled to your personal space and all of this grooming is too intense. I agree that there are some red flags. It is very unusual nowadays, however, for your wife to be your first kiss etc. Perhaps his lack of experience having a partner is the real problem.

Have an honest chat with him, pointing out that if you are to remain together you both need more space and time to be individuals as well as a couple. Ideally point out some positive role models from the relationships you know of.

You won't be able to keep it up long term, and after the baby is born, it will be utterly exhausting dealing with two humans who are so needy.

Smallhorse · 29/05/2018 22:54

Have you sat him down and TOLD HIM that you do not appreciate this level of attention?
You must make it properly clear to him.

This is one of the strangest things I have ever heard, really.

Fishface77 · 29/05/2018 22:52

He’s slowly slowly eroding you’re boundaries.
It already sounds like your a bit confused as to what’s appropriate and what’s not.
When you go out does he text/call?
What does he say if you go away without him eg a weekend away with friends?
He will use the baby to control you.
I feel sorry for you.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/05/2018 22:52

Ugh, this brought the hairs up on the back of my neck. I think this man is potentially dangerous - the warning signs being that you have already told him that you don't appreciate aspects of his behaviour and he has completely ignored your requests for him to tone it down.
He wants everything on his terms, and he will try to isolate you from everyone else. Also, he's going to be a nightmare when the baby comes. (There was a spinechilling thread on here some years ago, where the OP had a very abusive partner who she was able to bin with MN support, and one of the things that stuck with me from that poster's story was that the abuser would order the OP to put the baby down in order to greet him when he came home from work, because the baby had to 'learn that the relationship between her parents is the most important one' or something along those lines.)

TheSassyAssassin · 29/05/2018 22:49

YANBU OP. Walked away from a guy for exactly this kind of behaviour. On the surface it seemed great but it wasn't. Suffocating and just unreal tbh. Nice to be made to feel special but being constantly on a pedestal is wearing and not fun in the slightest. The constant attention was debilitating. Made me want to scream! Hope you can work it out somehow... good luck!

AnyFucker · 29/05/2018 22:49

my skin is crawling

This guy sounds terrifying How did you live with such a blatant display of inadequacy ?

AfterSchoolWorry · 29/05/2018 22:49

I got as far as 'make love' before I couldn't read any more. He sounds like a complete sap. Sorry OP.

PlatypusPie · 29/05/2018 22:47

A friend explained why she eventually left her apparently perfect and loving husband - it sounded very much like this, she said she felt too much on a pedestal, that he loved the idea of love rather than really knowing her as a person. It was all too unbalanced.

Mrsmadevans · 29/05/2018 22:46

God almighty he sounds a nightmare OP , l don't know how you can stand him. I don't know what you can do with him either tbh. Ask his mum / Dad /family ?

SlightlyJaded · 29/05/2018 22:45

I am also concerned that he will not be able to cope with taking a back seat when the baby is born. Factor in general exhaustion and this is going to feel like pressure for you and rejection for him.

You definitely need to have a kind chat with him sooner rather than later. It does sound obsessive and claustrophobic but he is inexperienced and may believe this is how you 'show your love'. You need to tell him that it isn't!

pallisers · 29/05/2018 22:45

In twenty years time you might look back on these days with wistfulness.

Unless she is honest with him now I suspect she will look back on these days with a far more negative emotion. Women do not have to be grateful for any positive emotion men send them at any time. Ditto men with women. This couple need to figure out their emotional regulation pronto before the emotional firebomb arrives in the shape of newborn.