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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset/concerned about new preschool helper and DS's dummy!

190 replies

flightattendant · 17/05/2007 17:11

I am feeling a bit disturbed after preschool this morning.
When I collected DS he was in tears about something - unrelated to this - and being cuddled by one of the helpers I'd never met before. I think she's been there a few weeks.
He ran to me and I held him, then she walked up to me and stood with her face about 10" away from mine (I had to back away, but couldn't really without being obvious) and started to say,
'He was really a good boy yesterday, he put his dummy in his pocket and didn't try and get it out again'.
I've never discussed with anyone there, DS's (occasional) use of a dummy, although the usual ladies are aware and supportive of his bottle, which he still takes most days - it was one thing which helped him through the tough 'settling in' he went through in January.
I replied to her, 'Er - he is allowed to have a dummy. I don't mind it'.
She said then, 'I couldn't understand what he was saying'.
I said 'Fair point', but at this stage was wondering what exactly this woman had said to him - I know a lot of people have a problem with dummies, and we get well-meaning shop assistants telling him he's too big for it now, etc, which I can usually dismiss when I'm there so he isn't affected.
But I do think this woman is strange, and what's more I resent the way she is trying to impose some rule onto him - it's not her place to do that. I don't give a stuff if he needs something to comfort him when I can't be there...even if he is almost four.

Don't know why it wound me up so much.
Just needed to vent!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:14

you would of course have to pierce his ears and use reins too to fit into much of these

oh and use gel in his hair

niceglasses · 17/05/2007 20:13

I would be slightly peeved. Mine gave up dummy at 5 and 3 at Christmas - my decision. I suppose they think they are doing the right think, but I totally know where you are coming from. Used to hate it when pple assumed I wanted them to forsake it - it honestly didn't bother me.

Really great speakers both of them too!!!

speccy · 17/05/2007 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:13

yes you did I'm afraid

DeviousDaffodil · 17/05/2007 20:13

Chav - I absolutely hate that word!

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 20:11

Twiglett - Right. Thanks for that. Trying to work out which one I am...
I did ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 20:10

MrsSF - Ok, but I'm not thick really - don't think I'm a chav - IQ of 135 usually means you're quite clever, but that's not really proof, just an aside...I might easily be ignorant and probably am considering I had no idea this was such a major issue for so many people. I know I'm a bad parent in many ways, but hadn't a clue this was something that was considered so dire!
I'm not thick though. Honest..

OP posts:
Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:10

thick chav parents is one definitely

parent wants child to stay quiet .. they're called dummies for a reason (make them dumb)=> child is neglected (emotionally)

parent wants child to stay a baby and refuses to allow it to grow up

parent is too stupid to realise the dental / language developmental issues associated with dummies

child walks over parent - has no behavioural parameters - why else would they allow such an old child to still have a dummy

will try to think of more

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 20:07

Yeah I do! Could you tell me?

OP posts:
CODalmighty · 17/05/2007 20:06

yep.

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/05/2007 20:06

If I see a child with a dummy, I think "Thick, Chav parents."

Sorry...but you did ask!

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:05

do you really want to know what people think about children using dummies?

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/05/2007 20:04

I'm sorry, but WTF would you decide to give a 3 year old child a dummy?! That's just plain barking!

cornsilk · 17/05/2007 20:04

Children will still want to suck for comfort after 12 months of age. My ds (6) comes home from school with his tie wringing wet because he's been sucking it and he has even sucked his arm and left purple marks. He has never had a dummy - just a blanket which he still has at bed time. All children are different and have different needs.

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 20:04

I didn't suddenly start giving him one - he found one lying around the house I think, and just wanted to try it. It is occasional and not a serious habit.

Really not sure what you mean, Twiglett. I don't breastfeed him btw, that stopped at 16 months - a bit disgusting by some peple's standards, to carry on so long...and I wasn't too keen to go beyond that as he didn't need it imo.

Used cloth nappies - guilty as charged??

What DO people say/think about it? What does it say about my parenting?

Please elaborate!!

OP posts:
SaintGeorge · 17/05/2007 20:03

I personally would have less problems with other forms of comforter, yes.

You say he is capable of taking the dummy out but you also say "It was merely that while he has the darn thing in his mouth, he doesn't talk properly".

Maybe that is the real problem here. Not that he has the dummy at all but that he has it at inappropriate times and doesn't automatically take it out to speak. You shouldn't have to ask him. Pre-school is to prepare kids for school so is, IMO, an inappropriate time and place.

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:03

could people stop posting about these older children using dummies and bottles

it is making me feel physically sick

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/05/2007 20:02

If he doesn't use it a lot, why does he take it to pre-school?

Sorry, but I cannot bear to see children (as opposed to babies) with dummies, or bottles. But each to their own, and that's just my opinion.

An old boss of mine had a nine year old (yes, that's right, nine) who still had SMA in a bottle every night ("He doesn't like ordinary milk") and a dummy which he used to plug in as soon as he got home from school. He was absolutely enormous and I felt very sorry for him as it seemed that his parents wanted to keep him as a baby. Actually, he is probably now the person who runs the "adult baby" website.

speccy · 17/05/2007 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:01

an attachment object is fine

would you put him back into nappies though? it is infantilising a child

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 20:00

If I could get him into the fags it might help

OP posts:
Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:00

agree with saintgeorge .. a dummy is for a baby (if necessary) and should not be used on anyone over 12 months

it doesn't look right and it isn't dentally right

it does actually speak volumes (or appears to speak volumes) about the parenting style in some circles .. and really you wouldn't want me to list the kind of things that others will be thinking about a 3 year old using a dummy .. you really don't

no, its best to remove it .. bribe him .. it works at that age

speccy · 17/05/2007 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 19:58

Fair dos St. George, that's why I ask him to take it out if he has it in at home while talking to me. But he is capable of taking it out to speak and then putting it back in...
Is it not Ok for a four year old to have a special blanket or such, too?
at what age do attachment objects become so taboo?

Cigarettes spring to mind. And chocolate biscuits...

OP posts:
SaintGeorge · 17/05/2007 19:52

A dummy is a pacifier, used to give a baby the comfort of suckling, a nipple substitute. A nearly 4 year old should not need such pacification (assuming you are not still breast feeding him).

As for talking when he has the dummy in his mouth, that is all about manners. It's a bit like talking with your mouth full of food, rude and should not be encouraged.