DH didn’t stop when I said stop

In my own experience of DV it is only fairly recently that it has been taken seriously, illegal or not. I was in an horrific relationship when i was 19, only 11 years ago...i was once punched in the face in the middle of the town centre, in full view of passers by & also of two police officers. It was duly ignored. This was thrown at me regularly; 'if the police don't care about it why would anybody else?'
Had somebody stepped in perhaps I wouldn't have stayed with him another year, who knows.

PersianCatLady yes thanks for reminding us.

I was married in 1984, my husband raped me regularly. I spoke to the Samaritans, the police. I had no courage to leave but he had the right to violate me against my will.
No one was interested.

I grew up in the 1960s. Marital violence ( while illegal) was ignored. Brushed off by police as a " domestic" Women would be brutally beaten. Police would walk away.

Sadly, prior to 1991 (R v R) the fact that a woman was married meant that consent was not an issue within a marriage as being married meant that a woman had no right to say no to sex from her husband.

That was over 25 years ago and it is about time that everybody caught up and stated realising that rape is rape, married or not.

I am so sorry Lizzie48, you have been through so much. No one deserves that.

Don't lose hope. It took me a long while to recover, but I did, and then more. Like a phoenix and then more.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am grateful for my bad experiences, but they have shaped me, strengthened me as a person, partner and parent.

I hope you too find resolution soon.

Thank you for your kind words, speakout, yes I'm a survivor, too, but I'm also very damaged psychologically. I have complex PTSD and I'm on long-term medication. The damage was hidden for years so when the memories came back, it was like going through it again.

I'm sorry you went through all that. All too often women are expected to suffer in silence.

Lizzie48 I so admire your strength.

Awful experiences can lead to a great strength- they have for me. I am a survivor, and actually a greater person because of it.

I finally found the strength to leave my OH after years of being battered and thrown against walls.
At the time he had terminal cancer, and his temper became unmanageable He had 9 months to live.
When I left I became a social outcast- who could leave their husband while he was suffering a terminal illness!!
Our friends, my family- his family all refused to even speak to me.

I'm really glad to hear that you have a supportive partner now. My DSis's first DH was violent to her, he sounds like how you've described your ex. She, too, has a really lovely second DH. It's lovely to see how supportive he is of her.

Your mum really does sound like mine. It's just the sort of thing that she used to say. Her idea of sex education was to suggest trying with a German sausage. I don't think she's ever had a positive thing to say about sex, you just have it to keep your partner happy. It's very sad really.

Hopefully by calling what happened to OP by it's legal definition, rape, women in similar situation can validate their feelings and realise they don't have to keep to grin and bear.

Lizzie48 thanks. And I am so glad you stood up for your rights and you have a partner who thinks the way he does.

My late OH would beat me too- again my mother's advice was not to make him so angry.

My mother's only sex education was " sex is horrible for a woman but something we have to put up with".

Thankfully I now have a partner who supports and respects me.

Your DM sounds like mine, speakout. How awful that you didn't get her support when you needed it.

Her advice was to 'lie down and think of England.' This was when I was having horrific flashbacks from my childhood SA, and couldn't cope with sex with my DH.

Thankfully for me, my DH didn't want that at all.

We don't know how the OP feels anymore. She may still feel it wasn't rape or she may now be wondering or believing it was. Yesterday she was clear that she felt uneasy about his actions and had it been a friend in her situation then she would have offered her couch to get away from her spouse. While she may not then have seen it as rape, the OP knew it was very wrong and it was affecting her relationship.

I just hope she's ok and her shit of a husband isn't trying to minimise still.

TooTrueToBeGood well said.

I was repeatedly raped by my late husband. This was back in the time when rape within marriage was not a crime.

I asked my mother for support. She told me it was a woman's lot.

@Sofialemon

Very very well said.

I don't think this discussion will have been helpful to the op. There should have been a separate thread to discuss the definition of rape. The op did not ask if she had been raped and stated she didn't feel like what happened was rape, to be told she was wrong. How is that helpful to her.

"Maybe a new thread for those of you who’d like to argue the technicalities, ad infinitum, is a good idea? This pedantic bickering seems to have moved away from the interests of the OP"

How noble of you Luisa. You might have some credibility if you hadn't chosen to post your own rape appologist POV barely 10 minutes previously:

"I’m sure we all hope that she and DH move forward together with complete respect and understanding, within a happy, loving relationship."

So you get to advise her to forgive and forget and now everyone else should just shut up?

You don't care about the OP, you just care about having the last word. Your word is toxic though so I for one will not quietly shut up, thank you.

My wife was repeatedly raped by her first husband. Sometimes violently, but most of the time simply him refusing to take no for an answer. She stuck it out for almost 10 years. In no small part because, when in the early days she found the courage to go to her mother for support, she was met with an attitude like yours. More than 20 years have past since she got free of him and despite professional counselling and all the support I can give her she still carries the emotional scars. She will never be fully healed. She still has nightmares sometimes. I'll tell you something I know as fact. She is haunted just as much, if not more so, by the passive rapes as the violent ones.

I can't go back and change her mother's attitude. I'm beyond glad though that we raised our son and daughters to have a no means no, stop means stop, one strike and you're out attitude to consent. We have equipped our daughters not to endure what their mother endured. We have raised our son to understand that a woman has an absolute right to consent. If you pass on your attitude to your kids and you are raising them to be victims, or rapists. If you are a victim yourself then please realise that you don't have to accept it, you don't have to forgive and forget.

This debate must be had, because the OP is not an isolated case. For every woman who is violently raped by a stranger, there are hundreds more passively raped, often repeatedly, by husbands, partners or acquantances. It will not change as long as we have people like you trying to minimimize and excuse it.

Sadly, these are the exact places where we do need to have these discussions, because, as we can all see, rape myths are perpetuated in real contexts, exactly like this.

I am leaving the thread now, thoroughly disappointed and sickened at some of the contortions certain posters will go through to try to minimise and redefine a crime.

@bijouhibou

This seems to have turned into a discussion about rape. In answer to your opening post I don't think you're being unreasonable to be angry and upset about what happened.

If my DH did what yours did I wouldn't feel I'd been raped but I would be upset at his selfishness and lack of care. I'd be making it very clear that we wouldn't be having sex again until I felt ready and that he had to stop immediately if I said so.

Imo he's been a selfish prick, but not a rapist.

.....or maybe the OP knows her DH and the intricacies of the situation a lot better than any of us?

The OP is minimising the betrayal understandably. Which is understandable, but not healthy. Your DH needs to face up to what he did, not just claim he was past the point of no return, which is the rubbish that my rape apologists have bought into.

TRIGGER WARNING

Women who have actually been physically beaten, restrianed, had their clothes torn, bones broken and unimaginably violated.... would find the comparison of this scenario

I've spoken about my childhood SA before. On one occasion I was raped at knifepoint at 8 years old. But that was by a stranger to me. His accomplice had groomed my DSis and me. He was no less guilty than the man holding the knife.

But the one who caused the most hurt to me was my abusive father, who allowed it all to happen. He was the one I should have been able to trust.

If my DH did anything like this, that would be the worst betrayal of all.

because that’s what it is - YOUR point of view - not THE point of view

No, it's the law. Continuing after the withdrawal of consent, at any time, is rape - posters are getting frustrated at people dismissing this fact.

It reminds me of the (albeit small) study where a third of men (32%) questioned said they would use force to obtain sex, but the number reduced dramatically when they were asked if they would rape somebody (13.6% still, a shocking number) even though in law, it is essentially the same thing. Rape myths, many of which are depressingly displayed on this thread, go some way to explain this discrepancy. There is no grace period (good god ), withdrawal of consent is not negated by a mans time to climax - these attitudes need to be challenged, or it will continue to be 'ok' to rape, as long as we don't call it that.

Yes, the OP said she didn't feel as though she was raped - but she also said if the same happened to her friend she would be looking after them and giving them a sofa for the night, so she is clearly distressed by the incident. Minimising her experience into no big deal is dangerous, not just for the OP, but for all those reading with similar experiences and those who face with juries with similar attitudes.

Rape is rape.

Just a thought guys.....

Maybe a new thread for those of you who’d like to argue the technicalities, ad infinitum, is a good idea?

This pedantic bickering seems to have moved away from the interests of the OP

Pengggwn The OP told him to stop. If she subsequently consented, her entire post is utterly bizarre.

Not at all. Rape is about what the male believes, and whether what he believes is reasonable. Nothing precludes the other party from having a different perspective independently of whether what the male happened to believe was reasonable or not.

I am speaking generally here. I am no longer going to to dissect whether what happened to the OP is rape in a way that would lead to a conviction, or not.

What I will say is that irrespective of technical discussions on legality (and I am not asserting that it wasn't rape) we can all agree that he really should have just stopped.

Pinch yourself really hard so it hurts and keep holding it while reading this out loud at a slow pace

"One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi"

Now instead of just having pinched yourself for those five seconds, imagine your DH forcing you to endure sex for the first time for those five seconds.

Five seconds is a fucking long time when it hurts

No it's not more damaging necessarily, except that the victim can be more physically injured, and in some cases tragically murdered. So that should be taken into account in the sentencing, and it is.

But psychologically I don't think there is a difference. Long after the physical injuries have healed the psychological damage remains. Like domestic violence, the psychological damage is the same, but the physical injuries are more serious in some cases than others.