DH didn’t stop when I said stop

Ooops @Sofialemon - typo -trying to type and make pesto at the same time

@lurchermummy - good points raised.
Great name - I’m a Lurcher mummy too

@Sofialon - my thoughts exactly.

I hope the OP is ok because some of these posts are frankly disturbing.

Been discussing this with my DH this afternoon - we had a similar incident last summer. I think if I’d posted on here and read some of the things that have been written I’d be totally freaked out.

No I don't think YABU, but nor do I think it's rape, I think he was thoughtless and selfish, and probably underestimated how much it hurt. I do think you need to talk about it and let him know how upset you are. He could have pulled out, he could have masturbated to finish, or just stopped and asked how you you were, especially knowing you had just had surgery. No man is "unable" to stop, he just chose not to.

But surely you would take into account the history of the relationship and the circumstances in which this happened? I wouldn't throw a perfectly happy marriage away over what I'd class as a relatively small incident, if it is genuinely the first time it's happened.

The op should have discussed this with a close friend who she trusts the opinion of. Imo posting on here is about the worst thing she could have done in this situation. I wouldn't be surprised if she feels worse than before she posted.

He actually was dismissive about how she felt.

Probably neither here nor there to you.

Sofialemon

That isn't how we determine guilt, though, is it? Are you generally a nice person? Oh, well, that's okay, then. You must have punched him by mistake. Are you a horrible person? Sorry, it's assault for you. Doesn't work like that.

@balsamicbarbara

God, really? You would report your husband to the police in this situation?

The op has said very little about how their relationship is in general. If in every other way it is great and this is the first time this has happened and he has apologised then I think calling it rape and talking about reporting it to the police is a massive overreaction.

If he is generally a shit husband & father, had been dismissive of how she felt about this or was abusive in any way then fair enough.

I'm not shocked tbh. The OP clearly loves her DH and doesn't want to see what he did as rape. And she also has a young baby, which means she's in a very vulnerable position. It's so easy to give advice from behind a keyboard.

JAPAB Sun 06-May-18 08:53:37
mathanxiety if you are facing someone, have your eyes open, can see that they are in pain and have tears in their eyes, yet carry on anyway, then clearly your partner has big problems in addition to the initial not stopping

Yes indeed. And being 'supportive' afterwards makes up for that? WTF...

Sofialemon

This seems to have turned into a discussion about rape.
No shit Sherlock.

The word rape is used to describe what happened because that is what happened, and because the truth is empowering.

To be honest I'm shocked OP hasn't reported this to the police and kicked him out. There was a similar thread several months back where MNers helped a woman in a similar situation leave an abusive relationship with her rapist partner and she left at the first opportunity.

That's a really good idea, Speakout, I for one would really appreciate a thread like that and I'm sure a lot of other survivors would benefit from it.

Shall I start a strong survivors club thread?

Great to see some good sense on this thread.

Thanks for sharing

his orgasm was more important to him than your pain

This.

You told him you were uncomfortable, he told you he was going to cum anyway and let you be in pain for five seconds while he finished. This may not be an issue for the police or the divorce courts, but it shouldn't be glossed over either.

You need to have a talk with him about consent. When you tell him to stop, it stops - it doesn't matter if he is mid jizz. At no point should a loving partner allow their momentary pleasure to be a priority over your physical pain.

Thanks Speakout. Taken me a while to get past it but am now in a place where i can talk about it now. Strong survivors club sounds great!

Your strong survivors' club sounds like something I would find helpful.

@speakout
You sound like a wonderful and inspirational woman

PersianCatLady no you have not upset me. I am grateful that you have highlighted these facts.
I am a strong survivor.

@speakout
Sorry I didn't mean to upset you.

I am also sorry that happened to you.

mustbemad17 I am so sorry. XX Come join our strong survivor's club.

I didn't tbh speakout, he walked away after i lost our son at 32 weeks. Despite him being the cause - he launched me down the stairs then gave me a good kicking - he blamed me. So he walked. I think this experience & others is why i now have a one strike policy with anything that shows someone does not respect me - so violence, not respecting my body etc. Situations like OPs being casually brushed aside make me shudder because that is how my relationship began to spiral

mustbemad17 you were good to get out anyway.