DH didn’t stop when I said stop

@DCuntess - don’t worry, apology accepted

Wasn’t “at pains” to say - just felt it was pertinent from an empathetic perspective, that’s all. I wanted to sort of say to the OP - “yes, I get it”

• if you see what I mean?

Apologies Luisa27 if it wasn't you who said they pushed through sex with gritted teeth until it got too much. You've been at pains to say how similar your situation was with the OP's. And the OP said she had tears in her eyes the pain was so bad.

There is no agenda on my part, other than to get the message across that sex should not be like this, and many, many men are better than this. And - every women deserves a man who cares enough about them not to do this. Ever.

I'm so sad to read this thread. It's hard enough for women to report rape and be believed, without women unable to agree on what rape is. As said many times, NO means NO. No grey areas. No reasons, excuses. When a woman says to stop and a man does not, regardless of the time it takes for him to, whether he is at the point of orgasm, whether he is married or any other rape apologist bullshit, it is rape. This husband had consentual sex with his wife, that changed to non consentual and he continued. That, is rape.

It's not man hating, it is calling a spade a spade. Not dressing it up to try and soothe the OP. I am deeply disappointed by many of the replies on this thread.

OP, sometimes when I have sex with my DH, it becomes painful. As soon as I tell him so, my DH stops. This is because he would never want to be responsible for causing me pain. This is because he respects me and my right to stop sex that is painful for me. A good few times it gets painful when he is getting close to orgasm yet he stops. This is because he is not a rapist.

I will say, however, that sadly, in part because of the conflicted views on rape like you have seen on this thread, it is incredibly difficult to report rape and be believed.

What you do know, is that you can never trust your husband to stop if you ask him to. He has shown you this. Whether you can handle that, is of course, your decision. I'm sorry that this happened to you, by someone you love.

What agenda could there be for telling other women ‘you should not be treated like this, you don’t have to accept this’? I can’t see a downside to this.

Thank you @Sofialemon - that means a lot

I agree - some of the posters definitely do have an agenda

Luisa27 Sun 06-May-18 21:50:24
People are different, opinions vary, relationships are myriad - it’s interesting to hear how others view things....would be very dull to live in an echo chamber of similar voices

The statements on what constitutes rape are not opinions, Luisa.
The analysis of what happened is not personal opinion.
They are statements of what the law says.

The law being an echo chamber of sorts I suppose, since it keeps on returning to the same basic statement "sex without consent equals rape".

You are welcome to carry on believing that rape is in the eye of the beholder, but you are wrong. If you were correct, then women who were drunk or incapacitated by date rape drugs or fentanyl and whose rapists had somehow not inflicted injury on them could not be described as victims of rape.

The beauty of the law is that it bases the crime in the lack of consent.

@DCuntess - I’ve never written the words “gritted teeth - you’re confusing me with someone else

@Luisa27 & @lurchermummy I agree with everything you've said.

I feel many posters on here have their own issues and are using this thread for their own agenda.

It's a shame that the op probably won't come back to this thread and is possibly seriously questioning her relationship. I hope she doesn't take any notice of the awful "advice" given on here and speaks to someone she actually knows about how she feels.

I am glad we’re all talking about this though - and that lots of us have very differing opinions

You were the one who described it in the first place, and used the words 'gritting teeth'.

Hard not to draw some pretty bad conclusions about someone who thinks that's good sex.

Luisa27 how is that in any way similar to the OP’s situation?

Once you tell your H to stop, Luisa, then the situation is completely different.

If you were lying there with gritted teeth getting through it as best you could, you were having sex with a brute.

He would become a rapist if and when he was aware that you did not consent (or that consent had been withdrawn).

He should have been aware of course, that you were in pain. And really and truly you should have told him and asked him to stop. The fact that you felt some higher aim was to be achieved by letting him treat you like that is sad.

@DCuntess

Gosh?? Finding it a little bit weird that you’re attempting to recreate what happened during (our) intercourse in such detail - but hey whatever ....
To clarify - as you’re so interested...
our situation was discomfort after I initiated sex a few weeks after pp surgery - we were both very aroused and had missed the intimacy- so weren’t as careful as we perhaps should have been - probably more me than DH to be honest. We talked about it afterwards and it hasn’t been a problem subsequently

It's not at all similar if you didn't tell your H to stop, Luisa.

When you tell someone to stop and they don't then that's rape.

relationships are myriad

If we’re suggesting rape is all part of the wondrous fabric of relationships then something is very wrong.

I have had several relationships, many partners and it’s never once been something I’ve experienced because decent men understand “stop”

I’ve mentioned ONCE before that we’d experienced a similar situation in our relationship.

So we're talking about a man either so hopeless in the sack that he can't even tell his partner's not only not enjoying it, but is actually in pain (gritting teeth?) - when his face is inches from hers (best case)....

...or is so callous that he just doesn't care (worst case).

Not a great choice.

People are different, opinions vary, relationships are myriad - it’s interesting to hear how others view things....would be very dull to live in an echo chamber of similar voices

And please, don’t think for one moment that this thread is uncomfortable for me...I’m genuinely interested in the opinion of others

@Luisa and yet I’ve never experienced anything similar. So please don’t feel sad for me. Rather I feel sorry for you that it’s happened to you and you’ve normalised it

If anyone’s interested to read my previous posts - I’ve mentioned ONCE before that we’d experienced a similar situation in our relationship.
I didn’t ever say I told my DH to stop....simply that we’d experienced something very similar.

I do find it cruel that some women are so scathing of the thoughts or opinions of other women that differ to their own.

For this lady to comment so contemptuously about my lovely DH and my relationship - of which she knows absolutely nothing -makes me feel sad for her.

that’s exactly what my DH said word for word

I’m not sure we should be placing any worth on the opinion of a man who has sex with you without your consent.

I can understand totally why this thread is uncomfortable for you when you’re in a similar position

I’ve gone a bit funny reading this. Yes, he should’ve stopped straight away. Absolutely no doubt about it!! I’m so sorry x

Yes Luisa27 - you've told us several times now that your DH also had sex with you after you'd told him to stop.

Clearly, this thread is very uncomfortable for you.

It doesn't matter whether you - or indeed anyone that this has happened to - doesn't think it was rape. Of course you need to think it wasn't.

Sex without consent - or once consent has been withdrawn - is rape.

I would also be feeling a lot worse after this thread in the same position, because I'd be dealing with an unpalatable truth about my DH. As you are.

@GoodFortuneAttendThee - that’s exactly what my DH said word for word

I wouldn't be surprised if she feels worse than before she posted

I couldn't agree more. I find it very hard to believe that the loudest and most vociferous posts on this thread really have OP's best interests at heart.