DH didn’t stop when I said stop

@Pengwyyyn
You misunderstood me - I’m not asserting anything

To clarify - definitely not asserting - ‘to me’, how I see it, in my opinion et al

I love how all the highly concerned people talking about how others discussing (pointing out) the definition of rape are basically abusing the OP. Erm, nope. The OP has been abused, but not by me. In my opinion, it is in her interests to do whatever she wants to do, but properly equipped with facts, not with misogyny disguised as sympathy.

its ok to kick someone you love in the goolies if they are hurting you

What the fuck? Why, when ‘stop that hurts’ should be enough?

Luisa:
I kept on reading because I’m interested in the views of others, and I like to hear them - especially in situations where ( to me) there is no rigid black/white definition
I also feel It’s important to express our personal views in important issues like this one, because otherwise the whole thread can become an echo chamber of people vociferously stating the same ‘facts’ over and over

But there is a black/white definition.

And there are facts, not "facts".

Sex without consent/sex once consent has been withdrawn equals rape.
Why do you keep on insisting this is just the opinion of a bunch of typical Mumsnet shrieking harpies?
It's the legal definition of rape. It doesn't matter if you don't feel there is a definition.

.....................
And why do you keep on quoting your husband to us? Are we supposed to be impressed that A Man Has Spoken and told us what silly ninnies we are to be bothering our pretty little heads about such trifles?

@BettyBaggins - oh this is such a lovely post

ItsNotAboutBeingRightYouKnow I would like to know how the OP is doing but I doubt she will be be back as her last post showed that she knew her husband had treated her badly and if she were giving advice to a friend it would be for them to leave and offer her sofa.

If she is feeling like she wants to work on her relationship with her husband and ignore or forgive the rape then reading posters sating it's rape won't help. Equally if she's devastated and feels he's done wrong and is believing it is or may be rape then posters defending her husbands behaviour won't help either.

So I doubt she will be back but the thread continues because it's obviously important enough to posters to state their opinions and what they feel is right, regardless if it's on one side or the other.

I do know that only too well, Pengggwn I found that out when I was a young child sadly. Or else they see your body as their property, which was how it was with my F. I was saying how it should be, and why the OP's DH's behaviour is inexcusable.

@Lizzie48 - so sorry to hear this Lizzie, my heart goes out to you

@bijouhibou How did that chat go with your dp?

I hope you are feeling ok and brave to have and keep having more open communication with your dp. I have been in a similar situation though he was a newer b/f, I freaked out and dumped him.

I think a lot of the posters here are lacking empathy for you and your post and using this thread to discuss rape and its many aspects without considering what it might feel like for you to have so many messages almost shouting at you you have been raped you have been raped....it feels verbally abusive and quite quite awful of them in my humble opinion.

Do try and let us know how the chat went. I was very touched by your post about if you, were your friend, you'd go get her to sleep on your sofa. You need some tlc and its ok to kick someone you love in the goolies if they are hurting you. What you do about this is utterly your choice. I do hope this is one moment of madness and some stern reducation will sort out your hubbies selfishness. If there are other areas of concern maybe you can think in more detail about the best move forward for you and baby.I

Luisa27

Why are you so interested in asserting - wrongly - that there is no rigid black and white definition of rape, 'grey areas' and so on? It's balls. There IS.

Yes that was wrong and unacceptable but without any other context, to call the husband a rapist seems slightly hysterical

And now the misogyny comes into play. Darn those hysterical woman who think lack of consent is rape.

I sometimes feel sorry for men after reading posts on here

I know right? Those poor men who continue to have sex without consent. We should all totes feel sorry for them

This is a really interesting point...and one which I asked myself yesterday.

For me @ItsNotAboutBeing - the reason I initially posted was to empathise with the OP, and to hopefully reassure her she wasn’t alone - if that makes sense?

I kept on reading because I’m interested in the views of others, and I like to hear them - especially in situations where ( to me) there is no rigid black/white definition
I also feel It’s important to express our personal views in important issues like this one, because otherwise the whole thread can become an echo chamber of people vociferously stating the same ‘facts’ over and over. A bit like Brexshit ( sorry to mention the B word

My DH asked me the same question too “why the hell are you joining in with this - it’s the weekend - we’re relaxing - blah blah” - anyhow, those are my reasons.

Regarding your question on being right or wrong - I’m not sure there is a ‘right’ answer to the OP’s situation - so proving the validity of my viewpoint, isn’t, for me, paramount.

I sometimes feel sorry for men after reading posts on here.

Me too. At least when they are treated like simpletons who can't do anything once their cock is hard. Several male posters have rubished the 'point of no return as have several posters partners, all seeing the Ops husband as a selfish arsehole. Not to mention anyone who ever used the withdrawal method.

The men that perpetuate this myth are skeevey fucks only after their own orgasm, the women who believe it ...concerning.

Lizzie48

Sadly there are some men who don't care and others who enjoy reluctance.

It should be completely obvious to a man if his wife is allowing him to have sex through gritted teeth. The fact that he gets pleasure out of it is extremely unpleasant. I've done that myself, but only because we were TTC and it was ovulation day. (I turned out to be infertile so it was all for nothing in the end.) But otherwise my DH was always very caring about my difficulties, which sadly means that we haven't had full sex in over 4 years.

I offered suggestions because the OP may want to talk to a professional for support and advice. Rape crisis offers this.

@mathanxiety

I think it's more likely that the op decided the posts here are not helpful to her than that she is in hospital "being stitched up". What a vile comment.

ItsNotAboutBeingRightYouKnow

Here's mine: it's not about the OP. I am not sure she is reading the replies and - let's face it - she has probably heard more than enough. Neither, though, is it about 'being right'. There are hundreds of threads on here and hundreds of issues I could target to validate my sense of my own intelligence. It isn't about that. It's about the other women. Women who will be reading these disgusting replies, questioning their right to make decisions about their own bodies, dismissing the legal definition of a crime, drawing down meaningless distinctions (even, some of them, women who have been assaulted themselves) and will be thinking they have to accept this sort of treatment. That they have to be forgiving. That they are making a fuss. That perhaps, after all, it was a 'relatively small thing'. For those women.

Or maybe I was heading out somewhere and decided to post a quick response suggesting the very obvious reason the OP has not been back on the thread before I left, Luisa?

You are scraping the bottom of the barrel with your 'energy' comment.

A good few posters here have decided to ignore the fact that the OP had vaginal surgery recently and that the pain brought tears to her eyes, for reasons of their own.

If the raised voice is part of a coercive pattern and/or if it causes fear or a change of behaviour in the victim, it is DV.

It comes under the heading of emotional or psychological abuse that includes yelling, name calling, shaming and blaming.

Also included under this heading separately from yelling are isolation, threats of violence, intimidation, and controlling behaviour.

I think some people need to have a long, honest think about their motivation for continuing to post on this thread. Are you here because you genuinely want the OP to be ok? or are you here because you want to be able to triumphantly declare that you were right and all those who disagreed with you were wrong? which is more important to you?

If you’d written that initially @mathanxiety - then of course your concern would have been genuine. And understandable to many.

However, what you wrote was a distasteful, crude statement intended to shock. You wrote it to ‘shut down’ and belittle the opinions of another poster - not through genuine concern for the OP - that’s the difference

I won’t be responding to you again, your energy isn’t good

Sofia wishes the OP would come back to describe her relationship in general, and there have been accusations that some posters here have frightened her away.

It is entirely possible after experiencing pain during intercourse that brought tears to her eyes that her surgery site has suffered some injury, and that she has had to have it looked at.

Do others on here truly believe that a raised voice is domestic violence? I’m genuinely curious?

We can all have opinions, and disagree vehemently - but to actually write something like that is really nasty