DH didn’t stop when I said stop

Bloody hell - can't believe some of the replies here

It was the first time after childbirth - he should have been making sure EVERY SECOND that you were okay with it.

Seriously I'm shocked and sad at these responses

I asked my DH to stop. He did but only after I said it twice and pinched his butt! He was so excited to be having sex again he was utterly lost in the moment. He was extremely concerned about my wellbeing before and after.

But he wasn't extremely concerned about your wellbeing during - which is really the only time that matters.

I've had sex in these circumstances - thankfully with dh. I know how a concerned partner behaves during sex with a woman who is likely to experience pain because of vaginal trauma. I didn't have to say anything twice and I didn't have to use physical force to stop him.

But I also - maybe because of my upbringing and socialisation - find it difficult to call this rape. But really if someone thinks it is ok to prioritise their sexual pleasure over your pain ... well ... it is what it is

If men can pull out to stop pregnancy, they can pull out to stop hurting their partner, 'throes of passion' or otherwise.

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come

Can the village supporters re-read the OP - they had a fucking conversation! He knew he was hurting her, it was post surgery for God's sake, he should have been on high alert for hurting her, and he carried on.

It would make me very reluctant to have sex with him again - it really would - it would be very hard for me to not remember the pain he'd caused me. There would be a new wariness around him, that he would be capable of doing that.

OP - what do you think? Is this something he's done before? Ignore your pain for his own benefit?

This one time your beloved, in the throes of passion and love, for the first time since you gave birth.

Mills & Boon wants its crappiest writer back.

When dh and I had sex for the first time after my extremely traumatic vaginal delivery I think I could have yelled stop mid orgasm and he would have stopped. he was there for my entire ordeal and I think was bloody grateful I was ready to even try sex again.

5 seconds is a long time in sex when someone is shouting stop.

I think there's probably quite a few women who have experienced this and just can't face calling it rape. Because they would have to re think how they view their dp.
It's a lot easier to "get some perspective" and view it as one wobbly moment on the "beloved's" part.

I’m with @ThisIsTheFirstStep.

ebony

So what do women have to say to stop sex from happening when they don’t want it?

I’m sorry that this happened to you, OP, but I completely agree with Village. The ‘rape apologist’ accusation is so reactionary. Some perspective here instead of such simplistic binary thinking.

“ I have had this kind of thing so many times, carrying on because his pleasure was more important than my discomfort/pain.”

With other men, I mean.

village

I’m trying to imagine my husband saying ‘stop’ and me just carrying on because I was about to come.

I just can’t. The thought that he wanted to stop would immediately cause me to stop. The thought I might be hurting him or causing him distress would stop any orgasm in its tracks.

Because I care more about his pain than about my orgasm.

I know he would stop too. I have no doubt in my mind. That is why i feel safe with him, in a way I never have with any other man. I have had this kind of thing so many times, carrying on because his pleasure was more important than my discomfort/pain.

I’m sorry OP, this is awful. It IS rape. As soon as you said ‘stop’ and he didn’t, it was rape.

The Stepford men want their wives back!

Five seconds, written down, sounds like nothing. We say it all the time: ‘l’ll just answer this e-mail, it’ll only take five seconds’, ‘why didn’t you empty the bin, it’s a five second job’ etc. Those of you excusing the op’s DH - imagine you get a searing pain. Now count aloud five seconds. It’s a long time! It’s fucking horrid. I’d struggle hard to get over that tbh.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open...

If this were true men would not use pulling out at that moment as a contraceptive method.
It is not true. Your husband did not care that he was hurting you.
That is a terrible thing and I am sorry to be the one to say it.
I am so sorry he did this to you. One hell of a way to smash the trust in a relationship.

I'm also with village shop.

I am with villageshop on this one. You asked him to stop but it took him 5 seconds to stop. You are the only one who knows whether he heard you, whether he has done this before, whether he chose to ignore you etc etc.

I was there after a horrific birth with my DS. It hurt. I asked my DH to stop. He did but only after I said it twice and pinched his butt! He was so excited to be having sex again he was utterly lost in the moment. He was extremely concerned about my wellbeing before and after. Would I say he raped me because he didn't stop immediately I asked him to? Hell no.

Only you know your husband and I think only you know the answer to your question....

Although your husband was wrong, I'm eerrring more on the side of villageshop here. Rape isn't about sex, it's about control, sounds like your husband was more lack of control in that final moment. You know your history, if this is a one off bad timing, unlikely scenario and bad decision type situation then perhaps talk things through with him so if there's s next time you've maybe got a safe word so he knows you mean he must stop and perhaps climax another way/place etc

Village you seem to know this man better than op!
She started this thread because she knows something isn't right.
He didn't know that post birth she may not have healed fully?
Stop apologising for this act of rape. It is what it is. What op does about it is her business.

I think I'm with villageshop on this. You know your husband. Have you talked about it with him?

The more I learn the more I realise i've probably been raped more than once and then leaned over and kissed them goodnight.

This.

OP im so sorry to hear this. He should have stopped immediately

I experienced painful sex during a ONS. He stopped immediately Because he wasnt a rapist. We barely knew each other and had only met that night.

This is your DH the man who is supposed to love you and have your back no matter what.

he was thinking of his orgasm instead of your pain.

Jesus Christ, I’ve never seen such a load of rape excusing bullshite in my life! Are you fucking kidding me? STOP MEANS STOP! It doesn’t mean would you please stop after you’ve climaxed, otherwise what the fuck would be the point of saying STOP?! He’s not a fucking dog. He has self control and, supposed, intelligence.

I’m so sorry OP, but I think you need to ask your husband why his pleasure was more important than your pain. His answer should tell you how important your needs and comfort are to him.

I think I agree with village shop but my dh in this case would have to demonstrate that he really understood it was going to take a while for sex to be on the cards because of this- because you said stop, he didn’t immediately because he was enjoying it and you were in pain. How will he reassure you you can try again without being afraid of him hurting you?
( I think it took 9 months after having ds to be able to comfortably have sex, I was in a long recovery physio program post birth, dh was very understanding)

I broke up with my ex for this very reason, OP. He was doing something in bed that left me completely immobilized which I was NOT okay with. I told him once nicely, “no, let go, I don’t like that.” Approximately 15 seconds go by and he hasn’t released me so I yell “STOP” and shove him off me. Afterwards he couldn’t even give me a good reason for why he’d done that. He’d heard what I said but had still blown right past that boundary. I was never in any true danger but those were still the longest 15 seconds of my life.

What made it worse was that I had personal experience with sexual assault and he knew that. In the end, I just couldn’t trust him again and I had no interest in continuing to date someone I didn’t feel safe around. If there’s even a shred of doubt in your mind over whether or not he’d do that to you again, you need to get out for your sake and your baby’s as well.