DH didn’t stop when I said stop

Here on Mumsnet it often seems to me people live unrealistic lives and shout LTB, or rape, or abuse, at every given opportunity.

You do realise that the people shouting these things do so, because the idea of putting up with them is unfathomable?

You realise there are vast swathes of men out there that would never behave like this with a stranger, let alone their wife or life partner?

What some women think of as 'normal' is distressing.

Oh my god VillagesShop.

I don't think I've ever been angry at this time in the morning.

You sound like some kind of man-serving bot.

OPs husband wanted to shoot his load even though his post-surgery wife asked him to stop as she was in pain.

He basically thought fuck that, I want to come, (like some kind of ug ug neanderthal) then did.

He knowingly put his wife through pain for his own sexual gratification. It doesn't matter how long it was for. FFS.

This thread has just jolted me out of half sleep! No means no. No excuses. The OP said stop. After that, it was rape.

I agree that it's what happens now that really matters, and how he responds to a serious conversation about it. If he attempts to minimise and make excuses then I would feel very differently to if he immediately pays attention and genuinely wants to understand the issue. And it should never happen again.

Oh no I forgot that men’s feelings are more important than women’s feelings. Thanks for reminding me, @villageshop

I am genuinely so saddened by the number of posters excusing this man’s behaviour.

It’s 2018, women deserve and should expect better than being told to ‘get past’ being raped because he’s ‘otherwise a good guy’.

Heaven forbid OP should rock the boat and make her husband who literally raped her after childbirth feel bad.

Fuck that. And fuck everyone peddling this bullshit, women hating narrative.

VillageShop et al, I am simply speechless.

Of course it was rape. Stop means stop now. It doesn't mean keep going until you feel like stopping. It means disengage immediately, and men can do this.

I'm sorry OP, it was rape. It's the type of rape that some people don't think as rape since you'd started with permission, but you withdrew permission (which you're allowed to do) and he continued.
The key for me though is how he reacts today.
When you sit him down (hard with a baby I know) and say we need to talk about you raping me last night he'll either minimise (not my fault, thought you didn't mean it, etc) or listen and accept and want to work out how to regain your trust and accept responsibility while realising he is in the wrong.
It might be him sleeping in another room until you want him back in your bed, it might be him being really respectful of your boundaries.
Or if he denies it and makes out that you're the one with the issue than you know to start making plans to stay safe.

I fucking hate it when people start yelling rape over nothing... but you said stop. This was rape. I’d find it very hard to ever be close to him again and honestly I’d show him this post so he realises, because chances are he will blow it off as nothing

There probably is a point of no return, but I think having enough time to verbalise a sentence plus five seconds, means he wasn't at it.

In terms of the law I think what is described would qualify as rape.

Your husband raped you. So sorry.

The degree of physical and mental abuse women are expected to consider normal shocks me every time I come to AIBU.

I find this interesting because here on MN it often seems to me that people put up with awful shit that no one in my real life would put up with for a second

this times 100.

Im sorry @pallisers

I'm trying to imagine a scenario where my partner had surgery on his penis, and the first time we had sex post-surgery, when he told me to stop, I continued. I just can't imagine it. I'd be on high alert for any sign of discomfort, would be checking he was ok. And a sign of my love for him would not be prioritising my own sexual pleasure over his pain or consent.

Even if the guy 'just' forgot about the OP in his moment of lust (not love FGS) and is otherwise a lovely caring person, in that moment he hurt her because he didn't care about her (so no he was not loving her, only himself) and was not interested in listening and responding to her when she said stop. Most of the time that might be easily forgivable in a loving trusting relationship, but this was a time when he should have been very very focused on her responses because he knew that she was recovering from vaginal surgery and that sex might well hurt, possibly actually harm her. If I was the OP I would find it incredibly hard to consent to sex after this. Now she knows that it might well hurt and that her husband can't be trusted to listen to her. What a stupid self centred man he has proven to be.

Oh and as part of a couple that used withdrawal for a while I can say that for one man at least it wasn't difficult for him to pull out even very close to orgasm and finish off by hand. And if you miss out on the orgasm that time it's not really that big a deal is it?

I’m sorry your husband raped you.

Here on Mumsnet it often seems to me people live unrealistic lives and shout LTB, or rape, or abuse, at every given opportunity.

I find this interesting because here on MN it often seems to me that people put up with awful shit that no one in my real life would put up with for a second.

And that includes a man who would continue with painful unconsensual sex for 5 seconds (count them out - 1 mississippi etc) until he climaxed rather than stop and listen to his wife.

Anyone agreeing with villageshop should be ashamed. She said stop, he didn't, you're a fucking embarrassment.

I agree. I am embarrassed by villageshop and her ilk.

Anyone agreeing with villageshop should be ashamed. She said stop, he didn't, you're a fucking embarrassment.

waddle exactly. 2 minutes, 5 seconds, 1 hour...at what point is it ok to say 'this is not ok'?

Fucking ridiculous some of the shite on here. Can't decide if I feel utter contempt or pure pity for women who think this is normal.

Just try imagining the boot on the other foot, would you really continue while your husband was in pain? I know I wouldn't, the thought absolutely sickens me.

*after a normal

Reading the OP again, it wasn't even just after abnormal vaginal delivery - she'd had SURGERY

It's rare but men have been charged with rape and taken to court for not stopping when asked. I wouldn't recommend any woman report this because it's so hard to prove and it's another trauma the woman doesn't need.

What @villageshop says.

Bloody hell bijouhibou

For that 5 seconds (which is a long time when you are in pain & feel powerless & dont know when that pain will end) he was having sex with you against your express wishes. He chose not to stop when you asked.

For the posters saying it's ok would it still have been ok if it was 5 minutes before he came? 2 minutes? Where is the line?
No means no, stop means stop.

He should have been prepared EVERY SECOND to stop - yes, it might not have been the best Throes of passion, but he should have been prepared NOT to get caught up in the moment