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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 07:02

Pfftlife

The OP clearly said it was five seconds. Why assume she can't count time? Confused

The requirement is to stop as soon as you don't have a reasonable belief in consent. According to the OP, she said stop, he said he was going to come and carried on until he did. That is rape. Stop trying to twist the facts.

Nousernameforme · 04/05/2018 07:01

You said no it hurts and he didn't immediately stop and ask if you were ok. He could have done some damage to the surgery site or anything but he just wanted to finish.
It's up to you whether you consider it to be rape or not. (it won't change the fact that it was unconsensual sex and that does have a four letter name beginning with R)
and it is up to you what you do about it. I personally couldn't trust him enough after this to have sex again.
Things like this would start the end of the relationship for me but if you talk and he promises not to do it again maybe that's enough for you.
Good luck OP enjoy your newborn.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 04/05/2018 07:01

The rape survivors on this thread agreeing with village, surely you realise that just because what happened to you occured in very different circumstances that doesn't mean the OP can't also have been raped?
When it happened to me at university it was nothing like OP's experience but the one glaring similarity was the absence of consent, the fact that she said stop and it carried on anyway.

Rape is sex in the absence of consent. Whether it's accompanied by physical violence or not, from a stranger or someone you know in your own home, even if it happens in the context of a previously loving relationship, if you say stop and they don't stop then they're having sex with you without your consent. That's rape.

Pfftlife · 04/05/2018 07:00

Pengggwn he did stop, maybe not with the urgency the Op wanted, maybe it felt like 5 seconds or maybe he didn't realise she was in so much pain, who knows.......we weren't there to decide if it's rape or not.

Listening to the Op and giving her somewhere to talk things over freely without jumping in and telling her she's been raped would be more helpful to Op

whirlygirly · 04/05/2018 06:52

Christ alive.

This is depressing reading. It would have been bad enough were it not the first time since childbirth but I'm wincing for you op, remembering what it was like.

Having sex with someone who you know to be experiencing pain is all kinds of wrong, no matter how briefly and how lost you are in the moment.

Totally not ok.

pigeondujour · 04/05/2018 06:51

I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come

The second part of this is what makes me think it was definitely rape. Like it was a negotiation and his 'I'm going to come' trumped your 'stop, it's hurting me'. Unbearable. Thanks

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 06:51

deloresclaiborne

What is your definition of rape?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 04/05/2018 06:51

This is not rape as I understand it

Then you don't understand it.

It doesn't matter that she consented initially. Either partner has a right to withdraw thier consent at any time during sex. She withdrew her consent, very clearly, when she said "stop". He did not stop. He carried on having sex with her knowing that she did not want it anymore.

deloresclaiborne · 04/05/2018 06:50

i agree with village shop and i'm a woman that was anal raped after having the shit beaten out of me.
op your husband crossed a line and you should give him both barrells today and some
you was not raped

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 06:48

Pfftlife

We don't have to have been there, FFS. If the facts are as the OP states, it was rape. The definition of rape is penetration with no reasonable belief in consent. The OP said stop. End of discussion.

Bodear · 04/05/2018 06:48

Hey OP, I hope you’re ok. It sounds very traumatic, however you choose to deal with it. I think you’ve had some very strange responses early on in the thread. Please listen to those posters who are talking more sense this morning. The bare bones of that situation are that you told your husband it was hurting and you asked him to stop. He said no and carried on regardless. Unfortunately that’s what you have to deal with. A pp made the point that if it was impossible for men to stop when they neared climax the withdrawal method would be impossible. Let that thought sit in your head.

thebewilderness · 04/05/2018 06:47

Joanna57
Did you bother to read the OP?

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 06:47

Joanna57

What the hell is 'crying rape'? Someone either has your consent to carry on with a sexual act, or they don't. If they don't, and that act is penetrative, it IS rape. It isn't debatable.

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 06:46

Well said @Joanna

Namechangedname · 04/05/2018 06:46

Jesus Christ, I’ve never seen such a load of rape excusing bullshite in my life! Are you fucking kidding me? STOP MEANS STOP

I agree, why is five seconds okay, but 55 seconds wouldn't be okay. It's either okay, or it's not...on the other hand..

This one time your beloved, in the throes of passion and love, for the first time since you gave birth, carried on

I can see where you're coming from, but I still think it boils down to clear boundaries; whether you're in love, one night stand, fwb..stop should mean stop: not five seconds later, not 60 seconds later.

Joanna57 · 04/05/2018 06:43

100% agree with villageshop

I have actually been raped, brutally raped. The rapists, yes there were more than one, and one of them was a woman, got a total of 24 years in prison.

IF what the OP describes, happened to me, with my DH, I would take the time to explain the outcome of his actions. Have a very serious talk about it. IF he played down what he had done and tried to excuse it, then I would grab his bollocks and not let go, no matter how much he begged.

I KNOW I would do that because I once did do it, to a fairly new partner, many years ago. I never saw him again, but got told he couldn't sit down for a week :)

OP - TALK to your partner before crying rape.

thebewilderness · 04/05/2018 06:42

Scold all you like but would you refuse to stop hurting someone post surgery when they asked you to stop because of the pain, and tell them no you are going to come in them anyway? srsly?

thebewilderness · 04/05/2018 06:39

They finally made it illegal to rape your wife in the UK in 1991 but men didn't stop just because it was a crime.

Pfftlife · 04/05/2018 06:37

People are crying rape. It's a very strong accusation to make when you weren't there witnessing what happened. You have been given minimal information from one side of the story. Rape accusations ruin lives and it gets banded around this site so freely.

Shame on you all telling the Op she has been raped, only she can decide that don't put words into her head. You could ruin a man's life who thought he was in a loving relationship.

Gather more information on the situation before you accuse! Do you think in court that would be enough information to sentence someone? No it's really not so don't be judge jury and executioner

speakout · 04/05/2018 06:36

This one time your beloved, in the throes of passion and love, for the first time since you gave birth, carried on. It hurt, you wished he'd stopped, he carried on for 5 seconds.

village- WTAF!!

"your beloved"??? " for the first time since you gave birth".

WTF is all that shit about?

So the poor loved up and sex deprived guy should be cut some slack because he hasn't had much since his wife's post birth vaginal surgery. Boo fucking hoo.

A decent man would be checking with his wife constantly during this first act of intercourse, aware that things may change, looking for any signal of discomfort and be very sensitive to her feelings.

A man who carries on regardless despite being asked to stop is low.
Using your wife as a meat hole to fuck is disgusting.

Dancingmonkey87 · 04/05/2018 06:35

This happened to me in my 20s and really affected me although it was 5minutes longer and I said stop several times. I was in a state of shock and disbelief at what happened and it really affected me. I was in agony afterwards struggled to walk and when confining in my university personal tutor she completely brushed it off similar way to village did. I felt made to belief it went wrong because I had sex later that day and has intinally consented to it when we started. What I didn’t consent to was being hurt but he continued.

Stop should mean stop my dh once banished my pubic bone and the pain was unreal and literally he stopped immediately and checked I was ok. We even tried sex post birth and I couldn’t manage it so stopped.

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 06:33

I’m totally with @villageshop on this one - agree with everything she said.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/05/2018 06:24

I hope you have not been left in pain OP, how are you ?
Your husband could have stopped, he chose not to ....

endofacentury · 04/05/2018 06:23

Please watch this short video about consent. No means no at ANY point. Hope you're ok op.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/05/2018 06:22

If you're on the verge of coming, you pull out and jack off with your hand.

I mean, you could just stop, and ask the woman who's recently given birth to your child if she's OK...

But if the priority is, actually, your orgasm - then you could pull out and deal to it yourself. And then deal with the owner of the orifice you've just been pumping.

🙄 x a thousand.