DH didn’t stop when I said stop

All the «you’re husband raped you» with some flower emojis posts are sickeningly sensationalist. I’m thinking of you all ringing her doorbell with a bunch of flowers saying the same and then walking off. Leaving her reeling. I don’t Understand the compulsion.

OP, only you know the context. Only you know your relationship. The fact you’ve posted here about this perhaps suggests there’s more to this..... do you need to talk? Go to see your doctor, your counselled, your mum, your sister, your best friend, your priest. Talk to folk who know you and your context and can help you figure it out and support you through it. Aibu can be useful for many things, but this subject is too much for it. It’s too reactionary, too binary, too agressive . If your can’t talk to real life folk because it’s too private, then the Samaritans, women’s aid etc. And ofcourse if you feel you can, your husband.

Lots of love x this must be a hard thread to read x

You all discussing this on here is fine and well but this is a real person with a real marriage.
If he's a good man and husband normally and this was just a slip up of good judgement (this is not rape imo) then I'd have a good chat with him about how it had hurt and it will be a while before you do it again and stop next time but I certainly wouldn't throw away a marriage and a life over it.

If someone says stop, and the other person carries on. That is the definition of rape.

Penetration without consent is rape.

As someone else said above.To the posters who think in this situation rape didn't occur. What is your definition of rape?

Good post from Mrsemcgregor.

I have some sympathy with villageshop's POV. But I can't possibly agree with her that this wasn't selfish of the OP's H. It absolutely was. I do think 'rape' is a 'big word' to bring into a marriage over this, BUT he put his orgasm above her pain. He did. There's no getting round that. And that would be enough to shake and upset me if it happened to me. 5 seconds is not a long time ordinarily, but it is a long time to be vulnerable and in pain. Being 'supportive afterwards' is a little chilling tbh - all very well to be supportive once he'd got what he wanted.

I think rather than focusing on the terminology of 'rape'*, if I were you, OP, I would be looking to have an extremely serious conversation with my H, perhaps guided by an outside agency (counsellor or similar), about what happened and how you felt. Before this I would be reflecting on whether there has been anything in his behaviour to date or his attitude to sex that was similar to this.

*Because I think defining whether this was or wasn't rape isn't the issue here. What it definitely was was the crossing of a boundary of yours and the prioritisation of his pleasure over your pain. You need to be able to trust him and his respect for you in order to happily have sex with him again, and he has shown you that, at the moment at least, you can't.

Hiphopster

I haven't said anything about how anyone should deal with it. That seems to be the crux of this, though. Because responding posters can't bring themselves to imagine that the OP will want to report this to the police and see her husband arrested and tried, because they don't believe what he did was 'as bad as all that', they are refusing to use the correct word for what he did. But that doesn't change what it was.

Pengggwn in reality the context does matter to individuals and will drive their views and behaviour. I don’t think anyone really believes this wasn’t rape. I’ve experienced similar but my responses to this being commited by a long term partner as opposed to a one night stand would be different. That’s reality.

Maybe op is down at the police station reporting her dh

He put his pleasure before anything else, he knew you were in pain and yet decided his pleasure was more important. For someone who loves you to do that is abhorrent. He didn’t fail to realise he answered and carried on

How was he supportive afterwards did he recognise the awfulness of what he did

There is no such thing as men being unable to stop orgasm. They can
stop it just like we females do. Have you ever had to stop your orgasm when is happening? You say one shit after another and instead of feeling that beautiful release you go flat in one second. It's not different for a man.

Your husband chose to continue his sexual pleasure instead of halting the action that was causing you pain, it's called marital rape. Too many men do not understand the concept of marital rape and why "stop" really means stop. Talk to him, communication about this now could solve serious problems in the future.

Pfftlife

This is farcical. I don't need to have been there to say to a person, IF what you say happened, happened, it was X. I just need to read the definition of that crime and apply it to the facts. It's no different to someone coming on here and saying a stranger slapped them and me saying, 'That is assault'. Obviously I will add the caveat that if the person didn't slap them, or they were rehearsing for West Side Story, it wasn't assault, but otherwise, I don't need to have been present to refer to the legal implications of a set of facts.

It saddens me that you would try to put the responsibility for the OP's distress on people calling a crime by its name. What should we do instead? Say, well, actually, he is your husband and I'm sure he didn't mean any harm. Tell you what, why not give him a ten second rule? You say 'Stop penetrating me' and if he hasn't come after ten seconds, then expect him to respect you as a human being and stop treating you like a sex doll. But give the man a chance, eh?

Here on Mumsnet it often seems to me people live unrealistic lives and shout LTB, or rape, or abuse, at every given opportunity.

^This. I also agree with villageshop

No. He said I'm going to come. In other words you wait. Disgusting behaviour. No means no.
This is exactly the circumstance continued consent is about. It could be cramp, fire, flood, a police raid, vomiting or a million other reasons, op trusted her husband, he knew she had a difficult birth and should have been attentive to her.
She didn't think no (& if she di that is sufficient) she was in pain. Some serious boundaries to discuss

People saying they have been raped and this wasn't rape...rape is about consent. The Op told him to stop having sex, removing the consent for sex to continue. He didn't.

It's funny that I imagine most of you agree that a man removing the condom secretly is rape as it is without consent. So how is actually continually penetrating her when she has said stop, not rape?!

Op I had a similar situation with my partner. It took a while to get over. It was a miscommunication and misunderstand. I 100% believe that. But it doesn't mean it didn't hurt and I didn't feel violated and awful. It's taken a while for us to move passed this, and do you know how he's done it? By making 100% everything about me, and asking every few minutes if everything is ok and if I'm enjoying it.

I know it probably sounds contradictory saying that it was rape but we moved passed it. Rape is penetration of our body without consent. And that means if someone says stop, and he doesn't, it's rape.

I can't believe the posters claiming this wasn't rape. "Stop" is a clear withdrawal of consent and OP's husband heard her say it. It was non-consensual penetration from that point on.

And can we please not get into comparing levels of violence and degradation between different incidents of rape? It's really not helpful and plays into the hands of sex criminals.

for everyone who's been the victim of sex crime.

I see a few things here which are interesting in terms of how we define and deal with rape.

1. An unwillingness to deal with the fact that rape happens within otherwise loving relationships, e.g. you love him and he loves you, so let's find a way to call what happened something else, even though no one would argue that a one night stand doing the same thing wasn't rape.
2. A sense that rape has to meet some arbitrary standard of suffering, e.g. if it only lasted 5 seconds and wasn't very violent, it wasn't rape.
3. A sense of accusation directed towards those who call a rape a rape, that they are 'crying wolf', rather than simply applying a definition.

It's awful, to be honest.

I love you villageshop. People are expected to be perfect. He is only human. OP please talk to your husband and let him know the last 5 seconds really hurt.

In fact how does someone actually come knowing they are hurting the person they love?

That's the crux.

This thread makes me sad

Sorry op. This sounds awful. Hope you’re ok today.

All I would say is if my partner told me they were hurting during sex and wanted me to stop - there is no way I would ignore them and continue just so I could come. In fact how does someone actually come knowing they are hurting the person they love?

@Pfftlife

Totally agree with you.

I agree it’s the definition of rape but i don’t think anyone believes the OP would use the word with her husband. I probably wouldn’t. The lack of care is troubling. As pp’s have said, if the shoe were on the other foot OP would have stopped immediately. My ex put his sex drive above everything else and I’m ashamed of myself for staying in that environment for so long.

OP

I think the clear point here is that he heard you, acknowledged you (“I’m going to come”) and then chose his orgasm over your comfort.

It doesn’t really matter what label other people put on it. For you (and many many women) it was a line that was crossed and now only you can decide what to do now.

There are people (trained people who don’t judge) you can talk to about this. I hope you find better support

Pengggwn because of my point, we weren't there!

Has nobody else noticed that the Op hasn't come back. Maybe she's upset at being told so bluntly that she's been raped. You don't just tell someone 'you've been raped' and stick an emoji bunch of flowers on the end, jobs a good un. This is a serious thing and until the Op talks it through more I wouldn't be accusing anyone!

he did stop, maybe not with the urgency the Op wanted

He stopped because he ejaculated, not because she wanted him to!

Oh for crying out loud, I have never read such crap on MN as I have on this thread. All those saying it's not rape, your beloved, throes of passion you need to take a good hard long look at yourselves and the men you love. If he punched her in the face but was otherwise a good man and being accused of domestic violence would ruin his life is that OK? Takes less than five seconds to punch someone so it must be. Would it be OK for your beloved to do that?

Hope your ok ok!

My ex did this to me made excuses and I felt bad for making a thing about it. Sadly it turned into him not listening more and more when it came to sex to the point I ended up being told that I wanted it and to stop playing hard to get even when I said I wasn't in the mood. I hope your dh isn't as much of a dick as my ex was but you need to make sure he knows this was rape and not ok.