DH didn’t stop when I said stop

I struggle with sex, in the last it has been painful and my husband stops immediately if there’s even the slightest hint of discomfort. The OP was post surgery, so he should have been willing to stop at any second.

I think I would struggle to get past this if done to me, and I’m saying this as someone who has been raped before in what people would see as a more clear cut situation. I would probably divorce my husband if he did this to me. The only way I might be able to get past it, is if he accepted it was rape, tried to figure out why he did it and made the change to never do it again whilst taking things slowly and making sure I was comfortable. He would also have to accept that I might not manage to have sex with him again for a very long time.

This is not a political issue. It's about one woman whose supposedly loving husband counted his pleasure as more important than stopping her pain. Pain from surgery resulting from having their children. No doubt it stems from cultural sexism but that's really beside the point.

OP, when you talk to him, if he tries to excuse himself AT ALL he needs to know he was wrong, and cruel. What you do afterwards is up to you, but if it feels like a deal breaker it is.

actually do not believe you would end an otherwise perfectly happy marriage, deprive your new child of a loving family etc for a 5 second mistake.

Believe what you like, but yes, I would. Many women would. Because it would fundamentally change who I thought my husband was, and I wouldn’t be able to continue on just ignoring that. Once I knew he was the kind of man who could do that once - nope. Over.

And this is, legally, rape. It’s not ‘crying rape’ or somehow opposed to ‘genuine rape’. WTF?

Please, someone hitting you with a knife only takes 5 seconds.
Are you saying that you wouldn’t destroy a happy family for those 5 seconds??

5 seconds can be plenty to destroy everything.
It’s not because we are talking about a woman’s body and her wellbeing and itsbrelated to sex that those 5 seconds are any less important.

Respect is about respecting people ALL THE TIME.
Choosing to get your kicks over their wellbeing/pain is very much the whole definition of a lack of respect and seeing the other person as not as important as yourself.

Same story as OP's nearly. Had first baby, bad 2nd degree tear (took forever to sew up after), i suggested sex at around 4 weeks to husband and that he would have to be really careful and really slow. So we start, its uncomfortable, it then becomes pain, I asked him to stop at least twice as it was hurting, he continued for 30 second or so afterwards or so it felt like. I was quietly crying. Can't remember much more of the details it was 13 years ago. But I do remember the hurt that he would do that, I remember the utterly broken trust between us. I remember I had said stop and he had carried on. After when eventually when we started having sex again (when I was well enough and thought myself over the trauma) he would get pissed because during foreplay/during sex I would have flash backs to what happened and want to stop. A massive inconvenience to him from his reaction. I was made to feel like shit and put up with his sulking when he didn't get more sex for a long time and I asked for reasons/apologies. His excuse at the time was he 'didn't want to go soft' so kept going. Around 5 years after that when I was making a statement to the police (he had threatened to hit and hurt me) they classified what he did as rape. As did my health visitor. As did the social worker.

At the time, he was my husband, I had just had our first child. I could not believe he could do that and tried to brush it off, as he did, repeatedly. I must say his apologies for it would have done a small child proud...he would apologise ONLY when our marriage was on the line and would do so grudgingly and clearly NOT sorry at all.

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. You should not EVER have to ask to stop twice, three times etc no matter how close he was to coming. That is putting his pleasure over your pain and like others say, he should have been on high alert to your comfort, not his own. I used all the excuses Villageshop et al used 13 years ago to excuse my ex husbands behaviour. It does not EVER excuse it. We separated 7 years ago. Best decision ever.

I would not jump to any immediate action, but I would be watching him like a hawk now. Don't be surprised if it takes you weeks/months to have sex again. Or even a few days to 'see how things go'. It is very difficult to conceive of any action just after the birth of your first child with your partner. However, you could speak to your health visitor, speak to your GP, ring a helpline to talk through your feelings with someone anonymously, confide in a trusted friend. Just don't bury it like I did for years, living with that feeling of suppressed anger and mistrust and the ex refusing to take my feelings as truly valid.

And OP, I'm guessing you won't come back to this thread to comment. When I posted, the same as you, instead of the posts saying 'LTB' helping, they made me want to protect and defend him and his actions in my head, that he wasn't really like that etc. Try listening to your gut feeling about what happened, and talking to someone or a helpline or a counsellor in real life, you need the support to decide what to do, even if that is to brush it under the carpet til you are ready to deal with it. This is your life and whatever you chose to do is your decision xxx

@pleasebepolite the disdain for men here is untrue. I wonder how those with partners are actually even happy

I stopped reading after page 4 because some of the replies made me want to vomit. Rape survivor here, it does not matter who is involved - the minute either side utters the word stop...be that in an uncertain voice, a pained voice, a bored voice...then the other side does just that. If they don't then they are going against your wishes & yes, that is rape
In a normal relationship you expect that level of respect & trust. Far as i would be concerned OP's H broke that trust, massively. Even worse knowing she had not long had surgery ffs.

I am one very quick to point out how much a false cry can ruin a life. That does not mean people get to minimise the definition of rape or the effect it has on women involved. 5 seconds is nothing...until something you don't like is happening. Then that time trickles by

You asked him to stop.
You were uncomfortable.
He knew you had recently had a medical procedure.
He knew he could hurt you.
He was supposed to be attuned to making sure you weren't being hurt.
You told him you were being hurt.
He said he was going to carry on anyway and did, regardless of your pain and potential damage to your body.

Nice.

By the legal definition it was rape. Would I end the marriage? Well that depends on whether he accepted just how wrong his behaviour was and how respectful he was going forwards of my boundaries. People can make mistakes but the true test is do they learn from them or excuse them. He crossed the line but I don't think that necessarily means the marriage has to end.

Op whatever happens I hope things are better in the future

YANBU OP. In the OPs position I might be very anxious about having sex again anytime soon. Difficult post partum sex put me off sex for months and months if not years.

Post partum sex is essentially someone roughly irrigating a part of the body which has just undergone physical injury. If it's hurting it's not a small thing in the big scheme of things. It's causing new injury, however slight. Take time to recover OP. X

I think this is definitely rape. It’s also legally rape - there’s no getting away from that. If people want to be more lenient and have their own different definitions which are different from the law here in the U.K. (assuming op is in the U.K.) then that’s their choice to apply that to their own lives. But, it’s unreasonable to apply your own version of things to someone else.

Hope your ok op and glad your goinf to talk it through xx

I'm with villageshop

@pleasebepolite

I'd divorce someone who raped me for 5 seconds, 5 minutes or 5 hours. It's the rape itself that means divorce not the amount of time it went on for.

Also thanks to the man who said he could and would stop during sex. Can't remember the username but thanks.

please I can tell you what happened to me.
I stayed. I tried to put it at the back of my mind.
I tried to find reasons why he couldnt have stopped.
I tried to convince myself that it was all me.

And then slowly, the lack of respect for me became more and more appearances and I left.

I wish I had realised at that time it was basically (or totally, see I’m still struggling myself on that) rape.
I wish I had realised that his total lack of respect for myself and my boundaries would never be a one off. And that I didn’t have to accept to see my boundaries walked all over just because it was my DH.
Because it would allowed me to feel free to leave, to say loud and clear THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE and avoid years of being miserable.

If you accept that it’s ok for someone to not respect your boundaries on sex, then why would you want anyone to respect your boundaries in anything else??

@luisa27 I am worried for my daughter growing up if this is how society is getting

53rdway

I'm sorry but this is crap, I actually do not believe you would end an otherwise perfectly happy marriage, deprive your new child of a loving family etc for a 5 second mistake. You are sensationalising what happened on here like many others.

It's no wonder that there is still a problem surrounding genuine rape cases where men end up getting away with it because there are too many women crying rape in cases such as this. None of this sensationalism helps women who have genuinely been raped.

@vivakondo really.......calling my story crao...do you want me to find the fucking news articles you insensitive bint. I was drugged in a bar. Over the course of two years so we're two other won. Took 3 years before finally he got to court

@MissRegina - I think a lot of us understand exactly what you’re saying.
Some of this ultra reactionary, black/white rhetoric is deeply unsettling

This is undoubtably a huge mistake on the part of the OP’s husband, a serious and important thing that has happened, and one that the OP and her husband undoubtably need to address and work out how and if to proceed from, either together or hopefully with support from trusted friends/family/ professionals.

Whether it’s a one off mistake from a selfish but otherwise good person and in the context of a good relationship, that needs addressing or whether it’s part of a pattern of behaviour and indicative of an abusive situation only to OP knows ,

but she's saying she took a few seconds to compute as did op partner

No the op partner didn’t stop until he had come

Sorry OP I’m going to leave this ad it’s making me cross and I’m not sure this thread is helping you

Take care of yourself

You said stop
You told him it was uncomfortable
He told you he was going to carry on and come
He did.

The fact he was supportive after means nothing except that possibly it might be 1 minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes after you say no next time. He should have been horrified and contrite at the very least.

Hold your breath for 5 seconds, it's longer then it sounds especially when you are in pain, powerless and ignored.

Miss I also find it very interesting that you are making the fact your rapist wasn’t free une guilty the fault of ‘other’ women, not the justice system.
Even though those ‘other’ women who are crying wolf for no reason or falsely accusing men of rape are very very far in between.
But the justice system has been found again and again to let down women down.

Being raped by a stranger (who has been a serial rapist) is crap.
But so is being assaulted by your own partner in your house.