DH didn’t stop when I said stop

Not odd Jacques - just different to yours.
Vive la difference 😊

I think my husband can barely process and react in 5 seconds when he is having a serious conversation with me- much less when doing something else banal like eating , washing thr dishes, playing guitar... much much less seconds pre orgasm.

Jesus. This is what disdain for men looks like.

He really should have stopped. You were in pain, he chose to continue and enjoy his orgasm.

I would be furious if my husband did this. At the very least he needs a bollocking and to be made 100% aware that if you say stop - (at any point) he stops.

If he is genuinely remorseful and there have been no other incidents like this in your relationship then I would probably let it go - probably.

• so if you’re driving and you see a stop sign, does it take you a second to register it? If so you probably shouldn’t drive.

Likewise, if you can’t stop yourself mid-shag, you probably shouldn’t do that either.*

Well, quite.

I frequently find sex painful for medical reasons and I rarely need to say stop when it hurts, he stops if I tense up or wince, and asks if I'm okay. That's not 'he's a great guy', that's like minimum decency. Reluctance/only-just-tolerance isn't consent.

if this was your husband, you were happily married and in love with each other and he was a good man and you'd just had a child together, you would LTB and divorce over this 5 second incident?

Yes. Admittedly he did it twice but both times it was "just another second" so yes, I did divorce him and we had a child together. Does that help?

"Disdain for men"? My god, the poor men! Disdain for men is actually shown by the posters who think men are little more than animals with no self-control.

I agree that post surgery your dh should have been being very attentive to how you felt. But all those saying he intentionally continued- I don’t unlike pp have experience of guys being able to stop mid orgasm but I think my husband can barely process and react in 5 seconds when he is having a serious conversation with me- much less when doing something else banal like eating , washing thr dishes, playing guitar... much much less seconds pre orgasm.

@Luisa27

You’re relieved that you and 9 friends don’t understand what rape was and are feeling a bizarre solidarity because it’s happened to you? What an odd mindset

Having coffee with 9 yoga friends (post class) - happy, and quite frankly f relieved that we all share the same view - talk to your DH @bijou, lots of us have been here, and are very, very happy with our DH/DPs. Big hugs

"Do you love your husband?" is the wrong question. The right one is "Do you think a man who genuinely loved you, genuinely cares about your well-being and thought women's boundaries were important, would have behaved as he did?"

Also, what math said.

Disdain? To expect men to not rape us?????????

Yeah my partner is perfectly happy with me. He doesn’t have to rape me to be happy with me.

another so if you’re driving and you see a stop sign, does it take you a second to register it? If so you probably shouldn’t drive.

Likewise, if you can’t stop yourself mid-shag, you probably shouldn’t do that either.

the disdain for men here is untrue

Really? Calling something which is legally rape, rape is disdain for men?

I genuinely despair

Rape isn't about sex, it's about control, sounds like your husband was more lack of control in that final moment.

Does it? It's sounds to me that he cared more about his orgasm than about his wife's comfort.

Do you love him? Is he a kind man? Do you see that he meant you no harm?

Love is irrelevant. Love doesn't stop abuse anymore than thinking someone is 'kind' isn't any indication that they are a good person. If he doesn't realise that someone saying 'Stop' means you fucking well stop immediately then he has no business having sex with anyone. Plenty of women convince themselves their husbands are 'kind' even though they are continually abused by them, because 'he doesn't mean it'. It's excusing bullshit and this ridiculous societal notion that we have to allow it because the poor guy wasn't in control and didn't mean to hurt anyone is one of the reasons so many women end up dead.

At the VERY best, he's a thoughtless idiot that needs to re-learn exactly what consent is, beg for forgiveness, demonstrate he knows what he did was wrong, why it was wrong, and that he will never do it again, and then he needs to step back without a word until OP decides she is ready to resume a sexual relationship with no pressure, no guilt tripping, no coercion because he 'needs' it.

The strength of feeling on these 5 seconds is eye opening. Maybe something like this thread should be read in teenage sex ed classes to show what a very serious matter it is.

Totally agree with the view upthread - the real man-haters on this thread are the Stepford wives who think men are brutal beasts who can't stop themselves even when their partner is in pain.

Bollocks. Nice men (of whom there are a lot) don't behave like this

@bijou - hello OP!
So glad you’re going to talk everything through with DH this evening .
Your situation is very, very similar to something that happened to me and my lovely DH. I think it’s great you’re so obviously attracted to each other post childbirth, and even better you’re able to talk this through and explain your feelings to each other. Sending you a big hug x

P.S. Villageshop for PM!

I don't think you raped your husband,@anothernamechanged, but that's a pretty odd thing to say. You were both enjoying it except for the person who had asked the other person to stop and they hadn't? Not sure what point you're trying to illustrate except that yes, spouses are capable of disregarding a withdrawal of consent.

The point I was trying to make is that, if you're not expecting to hear "stop", if both of you have been enjoying it right up to that point, when you hear "stop" it does/can take a second for your mind to compute that and for you to react/respond. I don't think in my case I disregarded a withdrawal of consent, it just took me a few seconds to realise that that's what it was. And it could have been the same case with the OPs DH. It's about the intent behind it which is only possible to know from the person responsible for stopping.

This has happened to me loads, I didn't think it was an issue until now

It's a grey area and hinges on
I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come

In my experience a whole load of guys shout out 'I'm coming' just before or at the moment. It's not necessarily a response to anything that has been said. He may not necessarily have been in full control at that point. If they'd been practising withdrawal he would have had this in mind all through and been more aware.
This doesn't excuse the fact that he should have been more sensitive to op given her recent surgery so I'd quite likely be furious on that score alone.

I would not yet call it rape - I do think with 5 seconds from being told to stop to coming he may have lost control - again I will say he should have been more aware given the circumstances.

Sending you big hugs OP.

I’ve been raped / sexually assaulted in and out of relationship, and I’ve found it much harder to process when it’s happened in a relationship to be honest.

I do know this: I have a condition that can make sex very painful sometimes, it can come on suddenly and is impossible to predict. My DH is always careful not to hurt me, and if he sees so much as a grimace he immediately stops and checks I’m okay. It’s very rare that I’ve actually had to tell him to stop because it’s actually quite obvious if someone you’re having sex with is in pain or uncomfortable with what’s happening, unless you either don’t care or aren’t paying attention.

The fact that there was enough time for you to have a dialogue about it, and that he was then able to ejaculate knowing you didn’t want to continue, is concerning. He can’t say he didn’t know or didn’t hear you - you discussed it, and he bartered rather than stopping. If he hadn’t ejaculated in five seconds - if it took 10 or 30 or 60 seconds - that’s how long it would have likely taken for him to stop. He didn’t stop because you asked him to, he stopped because he was finished. If he had just had a vasectomy and asked you to stop because it hurt, could you continue on and have an orgasm? I certainly couldn’t, regardless of how long it took.

I would be extremely distressed by this - the terminology may not be relevant here, and what I would do about it would depend on myriad factors.

OP says stop her husband says no and posters here manage to justify this behaviour, wtf!

And he was very supportive afterwards? He should be mortified, disgusted with himself

I hope you are ok OP, he did rape you, he didn't stop.

I give men credit, too. Previous experience has shown me that men can and do respond to the word 'stop' immediately - even during an orgasm.

Good men, that is.

MissReginaPhilange Fri 04-May-18 08:29:14
@pleasebepolite the disdain for men here is untrue. I wonder how those with partners are actually even happy

I'll tell you what constitutes disdain for men, actually...

It's the notion that they are no better than brute beasts, incapable of responding to the word 'Stop' and callous to the explanation that they are hurting a woman, and the idea that they are incapable of immediate withdrawal.

I give men a lot more credit than the rape apologists do.

papier thanks for sharing that, sounds very similar to OPs situation. I’m glad that your social worker and health visitor classified it as rape.

If this was me, in my exact circumstances, I would be very upset with him and we would be having a very long and serious conversation about boundaries, and why what he did hurt me. I wouldn't leave him, I wouldn't call it rape, but I'd definitely explain why it crossed a boundary. I love my husband, and we have a great relationship which I wouldn't ruin over this, but he wouldn't be getting away with it without some very serious words. How he reacts to it will make it all clear, if he cares about you then he will take it seriously.

Having said all this, I don't think my husband would do something like this, but I bet you didn't think yours would either. In my marriage we don't run away after every indiscretion, we work on them, learn lessons and move on. If he takes badly to that then I think you may struggle to forgive him.