DH didn’t stop when I said stop

Wisdens I wonder if all you replying actually gives a fuck about the OP?

I do, but it's not just about the OP. This is a widely read, publicly accessible forum and many other women who are confused about their fundamental right to decide if, when, how and who they have sex with. And turn it around. The OP is confused but obviously concerned enough to have started the thread. Are you really suggesting we should try and polish the turd, give her a virtual hug and send her off thinking it's not that big a deal and she shouldn't make a fuss?

Stop means stop.
No means no.
Consent can be withdrawn at any time.
Intercourse without consent is rape.

Anyone who tries to skirt around those fundamental facts, suggest that husbands/OHs can rape but it's not always that big a deal, or any of the other minimizing excuses we've seen from various posters on this thread are from people who don't give a fuck about women full stop.

And if you always call it rape, can it then be spoken about, learnt from, and become part of the fabric of a healthy marriage?

I clearly haven't had anywhere near enough coffee because I have no idea what you mean by that.

Me neither.

Quartz2208

The implication of your statement is that rape can't happen in a relationship. Welcome back to the 50s, eh?

The people who think a man can get so caught up in the moment that they’re incapable of stopping - if his boss had walked in, would he have carried on for those 5 seconds? Or if his parents had appeared in the doorway? Of course people can stop when they’re moments away from orgasm, it just has to be a reason they find sufficiently compelling. It’s worrying that your DH didn’t think you saying “stop” mattered that much.

Rape is a techinical and legal term and I agree is not useful here when we have an OP who is dealing with something within her relationship

because here the issue he out his needs and pleasure ahead of hers, and as such caused her to be in pain. He did not think about that fact it was causing her hurt and distress and its that she needs to overcome and explain to him

Surely the fabric of a healthy marriage/partnership is that when one person says stop, the other person stops.

No means No!!!!so is STOP 🛑!!

She’s said she doesn’t feel like it was rape and she will talk to her husband. She was there, you lot weren’t. Shes a grown woman who can think for herself, so isn’t that all there is to it?

I think she gets to call it whatever she wants to call it, absolutely. I don't think it would be helpful to say she must call it rape, when she's the one processing what happened to her and how she feels about it.

At the same time, this does not change whether or not it is rape. That has a legal definition.

It can be very hard when you're talking to other people about any kind of abuse you've had at the hands of someone you love. People get angry on your behalf, and people describe your loved one in the terms they see, and as it's very different from yours it makes you defensive. It makes you want to say "no he's not that bad! he's nice, really! apart from this one tiny little thing, probably not even a serious thing, probably just something minor and insignificant and probably he didn't even know he was doing it and..." I know. I've been there.

But. It's not helpful to people to say "yes you're right, it was only one tiny little thing that is insignificant and doesn't even matter and he probably didn't even mean it," when that's very obviously not what you think. That's not being kind. Any more than ordering someone to LTB when they're not ready for it is being kind.

And if you always call it rape, can it then be spoken about, learnt from, and become part of the fabric of a healthy marriage?

I clearly haven't had anywhere near enough coffee because I have no idea what you mean by that.

I wonder if all you replying actually gives a fuck about the OP? You sit in front of your computers looking to score points off other posters or promote an agenda. You don’t really care about the OP one little bit. She’s just a pawn that you all use to try to make a point.

She’s said she doesn’t feel like it was rape and she will talk to her husband. She was there, you lot weren’t. Shes a grown woman who can think for herself, so isn’t that all there is to it?

An awful lot of you on this thread are just plain disgusting.

hide if your husband had just been circumcised, don’t you think you’d be a little more careful than usual????

'Villageshop for PM' on a thread about marital rape is so fucking weird and unnecessary.

villageshop

I'm so curious to know the people who agree with this post - what if the OP had said it took 5 minutes? Does time factor into your concept of what is rape and what isn't? (Not even being sarcastic)

Ok thymelord, always call it rape.

And if you always call it rape, can it then be spoken about, learnt from, and become part of the fabric of a healthy marriage?

Having coffee with 9 yoga friends (post class)

Pretty short class, unless you were MN-ing through it.

It's lovely you want to support the OP. I think you should reconsider the idea that 'support' is best expressed through an 'I have explained this to all my woman friends in real life and they all agree with me!' approach. Likewise posting things like 'Villageshop for PM!' How's that helping, exactly.

I think in a normal sex session, with your long term partner, where you’re both enjoying yourselves and into it, taking 5 seconds to completely jump away and hear, understand, react to what the other person has said if it came out of the blue would usually be ok. But you were the only person there so are a far better judge of that. Are you feeling angry and violated? That’s the more important question. I think you need to talk to your DH about how this has left you feeling.

pigeon yes. Hur dur, my husband is so dim he doesn’t react when I talk to him.

Jesus.

another he did react. He said ‘but I’m about to come’. Time to say that, time to stop shagging.

* If he has time to acknowledge the OP saying stop and to say “oh but I’m about to come” he has reacted. In the wrong way.*

It boils down to if that was a reaction or if he was saying that anyway. In my case, as soon as I could react I did.

In some circumstances this could totally be rape

Um, no. In all circumstances. OP said stop, he didn't. Consent was withdrawn = rape.

It’s so hard to generalise.

In some circumstances this could totally be rape, and part of a pattern of abuse in a relationship and an indicator to get the hell out. In other circumstances it isn’t that and is a mistake made in an otherwise good context that needs to be looked at and learned from.

All the people coming in with binary views and personal anecdotes to back them up are making this simpler than it is. Understandably. As it is an intensely personal, political and important subject. And when you dilute the message by adding in extenuating circumstances to a lack of consent then you are on a slippery slope to enabling rape culture. But do remember this is a person’s life and even if they are at the top of a slippery slope, it’s for them to know the context to that and the action they’ll take. Situations don’t always play out in the same way each time.

Hi OP, hope the conversation with your husband and ensuing ones are honest and and equal and respectful and powerful in their effect on your relationship for good. Remember that your feelings and needs are important as his. Hope things work out ok. Lots of power to you. And teatree and lavender baths. (Have you tried hypercal too? Very healing)

Xxxx

Reactions are not instantaneous

If he has time to acknowledge the OP saying stop and to say “oh but I’m about to come” he has reacted. In the wrong way.

@jacques

Glad you agree! Have a lovely day

• another so if you’re driving and you see a stop sign, does it take you a second to register it? If so you probably shouldn’t drive.

Likewise, if you can’t stop yourself mid-shag, you probably shouldn’t do that either.*

I did stop. But stopping is not instantaneous. Reactions are not instantaneous.

I don’t unlike pp have experience of guys being able to stop mid orgasm

So what about the 100's of millions of people around the world who use the withdrawal method of contraception?

Not odd Jacques - just different to yours.
Vive la difference

And indeed different to the legal definition of rape but sure, vive la difference