DH didn’t stop when I said stop

To those shouting rape....surely you can understand the difference between consenting and having someone brutally force themselves onto you.

This - well the entire post it is taken from- shows why it is so hard to secure a conviction in rape cases. Even with women on the jury.

To all the posters who are saying that the op was raped.......what would you do in her situation, would you finish what is otherwise a happy relationship? Would you go to the police, would you have your husband charged?

It’s a very difficult situation to be in, personally I wouldn’t end the relationship but I would be having stern words with my DP. His behaviour was very selfish and I would put it down to thinking of his own needs before mine, I wouldn’t be shouting rape.

Op has been back and said she is ok and it didn’t feel like rape, in fact her reply was short and unemotional which tells me that she hasn’t really given the matter too much thought since posting.

This has happened to me with my DP except it was anal, I gave his ass a verbal kicking the next day (pointless the evening before, we had both been drinking) he was contrite and very apologetic, he is now more aware that he has the potential to really hurt me and frequently asks during vaginal and anal sex if it’s ok, is he hurting me.
It was a one off incident and has never been repeated. The word rape never even entered my head.

These threads can get quite hysterical.

Thymelord it genuinely terrifies me the future my DD may have after reading some of these comments. Just because something is non violent or done by somebody who 'loves you' doesn't change the damn facts. Sorry you have experienced that too; i have a hate list & still would not wish that shit on any one on it!!

Me too mustbemad Much like you, I found the 'non violent' rape far worse than the stranger-in-an-alley rape. This thread has disgusted me. I can't believe we are still having to have these conversations to be honest.

I find it more than disrespectful that you are seeking to minimise and to decide which kinds of rape are bad and which are acceptable.

Exactly! There are people on here who have decided the "acceptable rape", the non-violent type, the type that women might experience in relationships is ok and that women should expect this and put up with it. It's not ok.

Having been stranger raped & raped by somebody i trusted i can tell you hand on heart the 'non violent' act by the trusted person was the hardest to get over. I don't feel disrespected by people saying this incident is considered rape...i'm disgusted that in 2018 women are trying to minimise the impact that non violent rape can & does have. It's like saying your DH whacked you because he 'tuned out' - oh but it's okay, he loves you, has never done it before & he said sorry. Jesus

He did not however pin her down and fuck her against her will.
I think that's extremely disrespectful to those who have suffered rape

Jesus I missed that bit! So, despite the fact that OP said STOP it's OK and not proper rape because he didn't pin her down. I'm lost for words!
I find it more than disrespectful that you are seeking to minimise and to decide which kinds of rape are bad and which are acceptable.

To those shouting rape....surely you can understand the difference between consenting and having someone brutally force themselves onto you

It doesnt look likely that you understand that rape does not always involve "brutality."

Very eloquently put @likemyTeahot.
I agree wholeheartedly

@GingerMcGrey that's absolutely hideous. You deserve so much better than that.

To those shouting rape....surely you can understand the difference between consenting and having someone brutally force themselves onto you

Yes, I do. Do you?

He did not however pin her down and fuck her against her will

Rape isn’t always violent. It is dangerous and misleading to suggest otherwise.

Queen I think you're right. I'd like to have good sex but have no idea where to start. Currently just avoiding the issue.

Ginger that's horrible. I think your comment about your vagina is a service to be spot on.
I think quite a few men regard it as such and if a woman doesn't deliver, she's not keeping up her side of the bargain.

To those shouting rape....surely you can understand the difference between consenting and having someone brutally force themselves onto you

That is a really dangerous thing to say. It's only "real rape" if someone brutally forces themselves on you; have I read that right?

Your situation is very, very similar to something that happened to me and my lovely DH.

@Luisa27 describes her situation as 'happening to' her and her DH. How odd.

What happened to your DH? Someone penetrated him, he said no for 5 seconds, but they kept on going? They raped him and you?

I'm so sorry.

This happened to me but I said ouch rather than stop. DH said "too late now" and thrusted 3 or 4 more times before he came.

I don't know if he just doesn't notice my reactions when we have sex or if he doesn't care. Or does notice but doesn't know what to do about it.

Either way it's not good sex and doesn't feel good which is why we haven't done it for about 6 months.

Sometimes I enjoy it but a lot of the time it feels like access to my vagina is a service I provide, like laundry or food shopping.

So depressing to see so many women using the term “crying rape” and reminding us that false claims ruin men’s lives. We must always think of the poor poor men, who gives a shit that far more women’s lives are destroyed by rape.

I think that's extremely disrespectful to those who have suffered rape.

I don't feel disrespected at all. My attacker was a partner (with violence). The real hurt was someone who loved me could do that.

Pschologically more difficult to compute than a stranger jumping out in a dark alley. I can hate the stranger.
But hating and loving your partner at the same time really messed you up.

I should be shocked at the yoga group who say it's happened to them and seem quite nonchalent about it.
It backs up my view that marital rape is alive and well in 2018.
You may not want to divorce over it but at least call it what it is.

@oneStepSideways

This is my experience too. Really pertinent advice

I’m not sure if I would have the clarity to turn on my heel and LTB immediately after this but I think the relationship would be shattered.
I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who’d done this during everyday sex, let alone shortly after surgery, when they were ‘being careful’.

Hope you’re ok OP. You do know he could have stopped immediately if he wanted to.

No my implication is that rape is a legal term which is very useful when dealing with people who want to go to the police but is not helpful when dealing with an OP who needs help in comes to terms with what has happened in her relationship. Yes it is rape - I strongly believe that but it does not help the OP at all.

Debating the ins and out of consent in this situation does not help the victim here who is having to deal with the implications of it. Which from her perspective is understanding that her partner put his feelings and pleasure not only at the expense of hers but in a way that caused her excruciating pain.

Are you sure he heard/processed what you said?

A few seconds before an orgasm is a strange time, blood is diverted away from the brain and you're in a bit of a trance. I'm not sure I'd be able to respond instantly to a command in that pre-orgasm state.

I've been in a similar situation with DH and jabbed his shoulder to indicate stop as he wasn't hearing me. He stopped, unaware he'd been hurting me. Sometimes a physical 'stop' cue works better, you could agree a cue together.