DH didn’t stop when I said stop

so if you’re driving and you see a stop sign, does it take you a second to register it? If so you probably shouldn’t drive.

Likewise, if you can’t stop yourself mid-shag, you probably shouldn’t do that either.

This analogy doesn't really hold. When you're driving you are constantly on the alert for signs and other indications that you need to stop. Mid-shag, and given both partners seem to be enjoying it, it's easy to get lost in the moment- isn't that part of the essence of a good shag? I certainly feel an element of being out of control at times.

In case anyone doesn't understand what posters are saying...

Sex when you know you the other person is isn't consenting is rape.
There does not need to be additional violence for sex without consent to be rape.

Rape doesn't have to be a stranger.
There is no longer implied consent because you married someone.
You don't have to have sex with your husband.
Men can stop at any point. Men stop at all sorts of points all the time.

The OP can make any decision about her marriage she wants. But what happened was rape. Her husband knew he did not have current consent, she withdrew consent, there was no confusion, she said 'stop' and said why. She did more than she needed (my DH would have paused at 'ow' or any sign of discomfort and asked).

Sex without consent is rape.

Have any of the posters saying that what the op describes isn’t rape come back to say exactly what they would define rape as? Obviously the actual law is quite clear so it would be interesting to read their definition. As it would seem saying stop and the man ignoring that clear withdrawal of consent isn’t what rape is in their mind.

pigeon I noticed that too.
I honestly cannot believe some of what I'm reading here

Some people need this for starters

Rape can be very negative in a relationship.

I don’t think maximising helps anymore than minimising it.

That is rape. By definition. So sorry, OP. Fuck his 'supportiveness'.

Actually few people have said ltb.
I haven't.
But op can't have a proper conversation with dp without looking seriously at what he did to her.
Minimising it doesn't help.

A stranger did punch me in the street recently.

I called the police. Not to report the incident and press charges but to ask them to find the person and help them because they were obviously mentally unwell. I totally forgave them .

I’m glad my husband recognised that i’d Made a mistake and saw the bigger picture. Ofcourse that would have been more difficult or not possible. if i’d denied or Repeated the mistake. Or blamed the mistake on him. He’s also made mistakes. Our first post baby sex wasn’t perfect either. He’s also shown anger and stress with me once or twice in less than perfect ways. It’s not who he is. Life just isn’t simple. We live and grow together.
I’ve lived through an abusive marriage (my parents) and an abusive relationship and my marriage is nothing like them.

But some of you would have thrown it out with the bath water at the first mistake.

On it’s own in an otherwise good relationship, a five second delay in reaction whilst orgasming is a mistake. A potentially huge one. But it is a mistake.

Well a lot has been said since I put my oar in. I was alarmed at the start of the thread to see the extreme responses to the opening post. So I simply said what I believe, which what I would say to my daughter if the same thing happened to her.

I am heartened that many people saw this as I did, as basic human error, something to be discussed and learnt from. That may take some time and much heart to heart discussion but to throw your whole life away (and the secure family that could be there for your child in the future) would be a huge over-reaction and could bring lasting devastation to all concerned. Marriage is for the long term and along with nurturing one another from day to day there are endless adjustments to be made along a very long and worthwhile road.

OP, I hope you and your H can talk openly and that he listens with compassion and is able to empathise and understand how it felt for you.

To the poster who mentioned Mills & Boon. That's an interesting idea but my agent wouldn't like it (commission rates are not great, apparently), and anyway I'm happy where I am, with Bloomsbury.

Op- i hope you are ok and have no reaidual pain today. It's a scary time to have sex and you must constantly be waiting for pain.
As to where do you go...? Only you know. You are aware of what was happening between the two of you, how aware each of you were etc and also how your relationship in the past has been. Fwiw talking is always a good first step and make your decisions based on that conversation. You do not have to feel, agree or disagree ith anything/everything said. Your post was about you so please look after yourself. 💗

Reaction times range from around 0.7 secs best (someone on heightened alert) to around 3 seconds (someone aware and looking out for danger). Stop means stop but there is a processing time, we are human. That does not excuse or condone anything but we cannot have split second reactions, else boxers would dodge all punches etc.
Different people react differently to the throws of passion. Some are very, hyper aware od everything and some are in their own wee world. Perhaps in a mills and boon novel we all look each other in the eyes and whisper sweet nothings to each other as we achieve similtanious orgasms 🤔 reality is far from this for most.
The law would deal with everything by looking at all the evidence, rape is a word, for most,the is very emotive. Regardless of the definition of rape some may genuinely not relate their experinces to rape,that is their choice. I also assume that in a court processing time to allow for action may be taken into account as well? I am lucky never to have experienced any form of rape so have not had to worry about definitions in relation to my life, i cannot begin to imagine how hard it is for anyone how has been raped so could never offer any real advice. However lots of people,men and woman use sex to display/use power over others which can all go badly wrong.

Well, I suppose at least we're seeing consistency here - rape within marriage is okay, domestic violence is okay so long as the person perpetrating it says they're really, really sorry and will never do it again.

Personally I have higher standards as to what I expect from a partner. Higher standards gained from having watched my sister go through an abusive marriage (beatings, sexual coercion, financial abuse). I have a simple "one strike and you're out rule". Sorry if that's too black and white for some of you. (I do wonder how many of the rape apologists on here are themselves in abusive marriages, and what we're seeing is a form of Stockholm syndrome - if they admitted that this behaviour was unacceptable in someone else's marriage, they'd have to admit it was unacceptable in their own, and they're not yet at a point where they can cope with that, for whatever reason, emotional or financial dependency).

Luisa so if a stranger punched you in the street you'd accept an apology & an explanation of stress? You are perhaps a bigger person than many...it is hard enough to accept that sort of thing from a random person. To have your trust smashed by someone you love is harder.

papayasarayum and yet several posters who have experienced rape - both stranger & by someone they knew - disagree with you. Funny that

Thank god indeed @papayasareyum

Rape is sex without consent. It is in itself a violent act. Additional violence used when raping someone aggravates the original violent crime of rape. Rape is violence. There’s some ignorant fuckers on this thread.

@hooochycoo

Agreeing with everything you’re saying here. Honest and incredibly true - we’re all human and we all make mistakes. Life is not black and white

When I was losing my virginity I changed my mind as soon as he put it in. I said no, stop, it hurts. He did not stop.
Didn’t think I was that fussed about it until years later when I had issues with sex and intimacy.
I’m so sorry that happened to you OP. Post-birth sex is a minefield in itself without your boundaries being crossed. Psychologically if you had a bad birth it can bring all the feelings flooding back. For this reason and my experience with rape we discussed it beforehand and as a result it took us a good few days of ‘stop’ and him stopping, to complete the deed.
this is clearly affecting you (as it should). I would say LTB, but that’s a decision for you to make. Either way, a conversation about boundaries is needed.

good grief, this thread is crazy! and quite insulting to women who’ve been raped to suggest that this is the same thing. Telling her to ltb etc. I agree with everything village wrote earlier in the thread and it seems many posters feel the same, thank god

Op has been back and said she is ok and it didn’t feel like rape, in fact her reply was short and unemotional which tells me that she hasn’t really given the matter too much thought since posting

No it doesnt say that at all, alternatively she could be in shock and not sure how to process the fact her husband didnt stop having sex when she told him to.

Yeah in what you've written hoochy i'd be out, sorry. Then again i've done the whole dv thing & i know how easy it is for somebody to excuse violence. Had you made that 'mistake' outside & punched a stranger you'd have likely been done for assault, regardless of what reasoning you gave. For me personally, violence is a definite end of the line in a relationship; dp would be out on his arse

I personally think there are some incidents there's no coming back from, and for me personally this would be one of them (whether or not one conceptualises it as rape - which I do, and the law is on my side on this one). I would never be able to trust my partner again. I would know that he put his personal pleasure above my pain and consent. That would be game over. (Probably not instantly - I've been in relationships where trust was broken but you love the person, and it takes months if not years to realise there's no coming back, and your love for them can never cancel out their lack of love and concern for you.)

In your example, Hoochy, to be honest, if I was your partner, I'd think there was no coming back from that one either. Because as the person being hit, I would never know whether it really was a one-off or whether, given sufficient stress, you'd do it again. I would not be able to trust you. I would be walking on eggshells. No doubt my view is coloured by watching my sister spend 20 years in an abusive marriage, but the trust would be gone and without trust I wouldn't be able to go on in a marriage.

Rape can be very negative in a relationship. I haven't read the whole thread, but have you called the police, or at least told him that you will if he ever does it again? Is he abusive in other way hun?

I suggest you stay in spare room, and tell him you won't come back into the bedroom until he makes a proper apology, and buys you some flowers.

Drainedandconfused i can't answer that in honesty, because i don't know. I do know that the trust would be shattered & i would struggle with that. I trust my dp 100% in everything we do...if i didn't, i'm not sure i'd have the same feeling about the relationship as i do currently.

I mean if you call it rape rather than calling it a mistake, is it possible to continue a marriage?

People make mistakes. A huge part of being married is dealing with that, coping with that, learning from that.

Mistakes are normal and married people make them. Especially in times of stress that life brings. ( like having a new baby )

Words are powerful and tend to intergrate into you. They are hard to come back from.

For instance I remember being in such a rage once ( when greiving and in times of stress with my DH) that I punched him. I instantly regretted it. I apologised. We talked . We worked out why and how and what. He forgave me. I forgave myself. We lived through it and got stronger.

If he’d called it domestic violence or abuse it would have been very difFerence and difficult to learn from it and stay together. I made a mistake. I’m not an abusive wife. It wasn’t a pattern of behaviour. It hasn’t been repeated.

I realise that this is a very fine line to tread between apologising for rape and trying to make the point that mistakes happen. I don’t want to draw where that line is. I suspect it is very different in every case and I understand the need for it to be a definite strong line to say that it is always called rape.

I just don’t know where that leaves room for genuine mistakes.

I don’t know what the OP is dealing with. I’m not calling it rape or otherwise. That is up to her, within the context only she knows.

Hopefully if this incident is within a context of abuse and power imbalance and lack of respect other things that if she’s honest worry her, she will fund support and look for changes.

Hopefully if it’s not then she and her husband will begin the work of getting thru the other side of it’s effects.

Whatever they call it

I posted on the first page how my ONS stopped immediately when i felt pain.

A man who was not in love with me stopped immediately when i felt pain. Pain like razor blades.

The OPS DH is supposed to be in love with her and he cant stop immediately? Nope Not buying it Its rape.

What has happened here is also the perfect scenario for the OP to develop a condition like vaginismous. What would her DHs reaction be then i wonder? Would he be taking responsibility as the bloody cause of it.