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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
hooochycoo · 04/05/2018 18:50

It totally did happen.

I was with a friend in Greggs, was in the queue and the person before me in the queue was acting strangely. They looked at me , so I smiled at them and they told me to fuck off and ran out the shop. When I came out they were waiting and started shouting at me saying “who the fuck do you think you are” . so I said “are you ok? Can I help?” And they panicked with rage and punched me. Then ran off shouting fuck off.

But anyway, I doubt you believe me any more for me giving more details , but it’s quite exciting to not be believed!

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 04/05/2018 18:44

A stranger did punch me in the street recently

I called the police. Not to report the incident and press charges but to ask them to find the person and help them because they were obviously mentally unwell. I totally forgave them

Yes okay, that happened 🤔. What a coincidence this happened to you so you could use it to prove a point just a few days later.

geekone · 04/05/2018 18:17

Hi I was discussing this with my DH earlier and as soon as I said what happened he looked shocked. As soon you said no he should have stopped, sorry but where is the line, 5 seconds this time 5 minutes the next. My DH said rape straight away and neither of us are people who jump to those sorts of opinions. I asked him isn't it a difficult situation and he said a definite no nothing difficult stop means stop no matter when you say it! Sorry op I hope you are ok

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 17:38

Oh really, don’t apologise @LastOne - I’m not cross - was simply pointing out the facts. I had the same procedure last summer, so I do have empathy

LastOneDancing · 04/05/2018 17:34

Luisa apologies - was first time having sex after post birth vaginal surgery.
But I'm unsure how that changes anything material?

I've had a Fenton's procedure and still had great trepidation & an expectation of care & consideration from my DH to stop if it hurt. As I would anytime.

Hmm
ferrier · 04/05/2018 17:16

As I said way up thread, her DH should have been checking that she was okay with what was happening every step of the way, and at the back of his mind, be prepared that she may well suddenly feel uncomfortable

I agree. I also said that way up thread. It was not an occasion for being lost in the moment. He should be mortified, devastated etc.

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 17:01

Queenoftheblitz

I doubt it too, since the OP said he responded.

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 16:56

Is what happened.
But I doubt it.

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 16:56

Oh right, the 'I didn't process it' defence.

Please don't think I'm an apologist. At the very best, that'

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 16:52

Just to point out, it wasn’t first time sex after childbirth - read OP’s posts...

mustbemad17 · 04/05/2018 16:51

With regards to legal definition, the perpetrator has to reasonably believe that consent has been withdrawn

Yes...and every 'genuine' rapist hold their hands up & says ' sorry guv, you got me'

LastOneDancing · 04/05/2018 16:44

MythofFingerprints Flowers

How 'lost in the moment' can someone be if they manage to give the response of 'I'm going to come' to 'youre hurting me'?

During first time sex after childbirth?

At the very least his actions were appalling.

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 16:31

Queenoftheblitz

Oh right, the 'I didn't process it' defence. Hmm

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 16:31

ferrier

Then you are responsible for not having sex with anyone who doesn't know and understand that they will need to physically show you that they want you to stop, or you will not be able to stop.

The OP's husband knew. He carries on regardless.

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 16:24

With regards to legal definition, the perpetrator has to reasonably believe that consent has been withdrawn. If op's dh didn't really process the 'stop' instruction, and really only he and possibly op have any way of knowing whether he did, then he wouldn't have known consent had been withdrawn.

True. We can only go on the info provided.
Her saying "stop" and him saying he was coming has been interpreted by myself and others as a conversation.

It is possible that he didn't hear her say stop and him saying he was coming was an announcement, not a reply.

I would have thought op would have established this before starting a thread. It would be interesting what they said to each other afterwards when he was being supportive.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 04/05/2018 16:15

I am fucking horrified at some of the responses on here.

I have been raped.

In the pitch black by a bloke I didn't know.
What happened to the op was rape.

Is my experience rape-y enough for my voice to count?

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 16:12

No - driving a car most certainly is not analogous to consensual sex - thank god - or we’d all be bloody robots

TanteRose · 04/05/2018 16:09

As I said way up thread, her DH should have been checking that she was okay with what was happening every step of the way, and at the back of his mind, be prepared that she may well suddenly feel uncomfortable.

It is common basic decency and respect

ferrier · 04/05/2018 16:08

When lost in the moment I probably wouldn't hear an instruction to stop unless it was shouted or with an accompanying forceful pushing away. I'm sorry, that's just how it is for me.
With regards to legal definition, the perpetrator has to reasonably believe that consent has been withdrawn. If op's dh didn't really process the 'stop' instruction, and really only he and possibly op have any way of knowing whether he did, then he wouldn't have known consent had been withdrawn.

pigeondujour · 04/05/2018 16:02

not remotely similar to being ‘lost in the moment’ during loving, consensual sex.

Yes, that's right, it's not analogous to consensual sex.

JacquesHammer · 04/05/2018 16:02

and not remotely similar to being ‘lost in the moment’ during loving, consensual sex

If you’re so “lost in the moment” you can’t understand “stop, you’re hurting” then the sex is no longer consensual.

That doesn’t strike me as a loving act.

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 16:00

@ferrier I agree with you - that analogy is very weak.....and not remotely similar to being ‘lost in the moment’ during loving, consensual sex. Very well said.

pigeondujour · 04/05/2018 15:56

When you're driving you are constantly on the alert for signs and other indications that you need to stop.

As I'd hope anyone would be when having sex with someone who had recently had relevant surgery.

Mid-shag, and given both partners seem to be enjoying it, it's easy to get lost in the moment- isn't that part of the essence of a good shag?

None of my good shags or my perception of 'seems to be enjoying it' involve my partner saying 'stop'.

I certainly feel an element of being out of control at times.

Do you mean you don't believe you can perceive ongoing consent correctly? That's incredibly concerning if so.

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 15:48

ferrier

If you feel out of control to the point that you can't stop yourself from assaulting your partner, don't have sex. It's not compulsory to have sex. It is compulsory to refrain from assaulting people.

mustbemad17 · 04/05/2018 15:45

One would hope not if you knew the other person had been through painful surgery very recently ferrier