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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:37

So, what are we adding?

  1. Rape must be violent and involve hitting and beating.
  2. If your husband loves you he is allowed to have sex with you without your consent.
  3. Rape has to be malicious (definition pending)
  4. If he hasn't come, he is allowed 'two or three thrusts' or five seconds, whichever comes first (as it were).
Hmm
Justanothernameonthepage · 05/05/2018 08:36

@WS12 I was raped by a friend of a friend. I had turn clothing. I was forcibly restrained.
I still recognised what happened to OP as rape. Because it was rape.
She said no. He carried on against her wishes. He didn't care about her more than his desire.
He then dismissed it from his mind as normal to the point where he was shocked she still thought about it 24 hours later.
I'd say her rape was worse than mine
Mine was by someone I didn't trust.

mamahanji · 05/05/2018 08:33

Thanks WS12 we'll update the law on your definitions of rape 👍 should lower the conviction statistics even more. Winners all around eh

PrancingQueen · 05/05/2018 08:33

Actually fucking speechless at some of the attitudes on this thread.
This isn’t the first time she had sex after childbirth, she had surgery due to a traumatic birth and her husband did this to her.
I am absolutely astounded that women are minimising what he did to her, telling her not to tell her friends, and telling her it’s normal.

WTF Angry

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:32

WS12

Then your basic issue is that you don't understand the law.

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:32

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maymai · 05/05/2018 08:31

My DH says, no you're not being u. If he had time to say he was going to come he could have pulled out.

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:27

WS12

So - and I am glad you've cleared this up for me - there is a set number of seconds it is okay for a man to carry on penetrating me, and it isn't called rape unless he goes over that? How many is it? I'll tell DH.

mamahanji · 05/05/2018 08:27

I love how bigots, rape apologists, disablists, racists, homophobes, all use the term 'snowflake' to try and put down people that are offended by their spewing bile.

How about have some self respect and understand that your body is not his pleasure paddock and that real life works how ever you make it. Just because you chose your husbands pleasure over his pain doesn't mean it's right.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 05/05/2018 08:25

I actually pity some of the women on this thread. For some reason, they do not feel equal to men. Men's wants and needs are far more important than theirs. As women they must pander to their men. I wonder why that is?

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:25

I'm just saying look at this with some common sense and perspective. WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG I agree - but for some PPs to say "pack your bags you've been raped". I mean come on. Life doesn't work like that. She's in a marriage and this needs talking through - but to say she has been raped for like 5 seconds it's insane. Maybe it's made worse by the fact he came. All I said to my DH was it really hurt and next time when I say stop you have to right away as it really hurts. That's all.

mamahanji · 05/05/2018 08:23

*WS12
*
I bet you're the kind of person that tells someone who has just found out they are unwell, 'well at least you aren't dead.' 'Well count your blessings, it could be worse.'

How about have some fucking compassion and don't try and have a hierarchy of sexual fucking assault!

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:22

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Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:21

WS12

What is the name of that offence?

bastardkitty · 05/05/2018 08:21

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WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:20

No, sex without consent is an offence. But I think we need to use our common sense here. He needs telling off for sure! But to say the OP has been raped by her DH and the father of her children - look at the bigger picture please. He did two or three thrusts after she said stop - it's happened to me! I wouldn't say I'd been raped. It's madness. And a total insult to women who have been through really traumatic experiences.

bastardkitty · 05/05/2018 08:16

I've reported your posts but this thread is a disgrace to Mumsnet. Sorry OP. It's not 'hard to stop'. He just didn't want to.

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:15

WS12

Your post suggests sex without consent shouldn't be an offence. Don't you think that's odd?

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:12

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DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 05/05/2018 08:11

*then

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 05/05/2018 08:11

Yes but Luisa and her 9 yoga friends discussed it and they thought OP should just get over it, so that's fine 🤔

Honest to god, if my daughter came home and told me her husband had done this, I would tell her to pack a bag. At the very least it has shown a complete lack of respect and broken trust in the worst possible way. If you haven't got trust in a partnership, the what's left?

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 06:55

*All I'm saying is don't blow it out of proportion.

OP is your DH loving and a good farther?*

Lost for fucking words here. Angry

mathanxiety · 05/05/2018 06:52

This thread is the gift that keeps on giving.

What dark corner of the woodwork have you all been hiding in?

WS12 · 05/05/2018 06:36

All I'm saying is don't blow it out of proportion.

OP is your DH loving and a good farther? Do you think you were raped?

He was wrong for what he did.

Feb2018mumma · 05/05/2018 06:31

First time after baby I was enjoying myself but every sound I made husband stopped and asked if I was okay. You had just given him a baby there is no way he should put himself before your pain. It should have been about you and your comfort! I'm sorry he carried on and didn't stop, it isn't fair at all.