DH didn’t stop when I said stop

How many women, for instance, can honestly say they have never consented to sex with their husbands even though they were too tired or not feeling 100%? Is this rape too?

NO. Fucking hell, why is this so hard? The definition of rape is that the accused had NO REASONABLE BELIEF THAT THE OTHER PERSON WAS CONSENTING.

A person who is not keen to have sex but consents to it, absent any coercion, has not been raped. A person who does not consent, providing the accused doesn't honestly think they do consent, has been raped.

It is a crystal clear and very simple definition.

My DH would stop if he thought I was in pain without me even asking, let alone carry on “past the point if no return” WTF does he think the withdrawal method is??

His reaction is more about him and how he feels about you dwelling than about you

I've had a lot of experience of painful sex, because it causes triggers from my childhood SA. Before the DDs came to us, the memories were repressed and I couldn't understand why I used to tighten up so much. It made the act really painful and I regularly asked my DH to stop. He always did straightaway.

I can't cope with sex at all now, and he accepts this.

Your story gives me the shivers, OP, it definitely is rape in the circumstances you describe. The apologists remind me of my DM's advice to 'lie back and think of England.'

Decent men, like my DH and my BIL (my DSis has very similar issues to me) get very offended at the idea that men are unable to stop, as it's about exercising self-control.

A concept that I don't think has been mentioned so far but is crucial to any successful long term relationship... is forgiveness.

Making excuses for somebody who completely disregards the word NO is unhelpful

I believe the OP when she says five seconds.

I believe her because he had enough time to respond to her, then orgasm.

I can’t believe people are so determined to defend the husband that they’re willing to accuse the OP of exaggerating how long it actually went on for.

I agree fully with VillageShop.

I find my think shouting at other women and accusing them of being in the dark ages is unhelpful here.

The fact is none of us were actually there in this situation. Nobody knows the wider context of the OP's relationship. Only the OP can make this judgement and decide whether she can still trust her husband. This may take some time.

The truth is, I think the majority of women have "gone along" with something which they didn't want, were unsure about or later regretted. How many women, for instance, can honestly say they have never consented to sex with their husbands even though they were too tired or not feeling 100%? Is this rape too? Or how many women have experimented with something it turned out they didn't really enjoy? This does happen, even within the most supportive of relationships. Only the OP can determine how she feels moving forward.

If somebody can tell you they are about to come they can react

I think people are taking the five seconds as too much of a certainty in this.
It's possible it was actually five seconds, but I'd put good money on it being a lot shorter than that.

Pain does weird things to our ability to perceive time (which most people aren't good at at the best of times). Time can feel like it slows down. When I have fallen over, for example, it's felt like several seconds whilst going down, when there likelihood is it would have been less than one.

I was involved in a car accident years ago, that I could swear blind went on for at least 30 seconds, probably more, because so much went through my mind, but that was because of the situation I was in. The reality was the car accident was likely 5-10 seconds max. Without a stopwatch, it would have been a complete guess.

The 'five seconds' may have been closer to one or two. At which point, given you've got reaction time and imminent orgasm, it's a slightly different situation, and he may have stopped as soon as he could (or knew he was in the process of coming anyway, and therefore stopping would be imminent.)

If it was five seconds, then that's actually quite a long time, and whilst personally I probably wouldn't leave my husband for it, as a one off, I could understand how some people might.

If it was one or two seconds, that simply felt like five seconds, then I'd much more take Village's view.

The reason women continue to feel they have to this this shit is ok, is because of people minimising sex without consent.

It’s that stark.

Sex without consent.

Doesn’t sound great right? So no, it isn’t normal. It IS rape and you don’t HAVE to put up with it.

Fuck me i'm actually disgusted that women are trying to defend this bullshit. I've had more outraged responses from some of the guys i've questioned about this. Step out of the history books ladies, marital rape is ILLEGAL now!!

If my son came home & told me he had done this i'd castrate him. If my daughter came home & told me this, i'd castrate whichever wanker did it. Why is this acceptable because he was close to orgasm?! What a wonderful defence we have set up for rapists everywhere.

As for whoever told OP not to tell a friend...mind boggling. I'm just stunned. Yes, you've suffered something that is clearly traumatic for you, but don't tell anybody in case it ruins DPs street cred. Fuck sake how backwards is this??!

Fermats excellent post. Completely agree.

What has lead these women to feel that they MUST bear pain until their partners sexual gratification is met, it bizarre to me.

Fermats yes, I was struggling to articulate this but yes, I agree with you. If this has happened to you and you’ve never questioned it and gone along with the convenient myth of ‘men can’t stop’ then I can imagine this thread would be a bit of an eye opener. I can totally see why that would be difficult to stomach and force a minimising, defensive reaction.

Look - I apologise is I have offended some people on here. But the OP may want some different perspectives and that's allthat is being given.

I sincerely hope OP is doing well today. ❤️

I think what we're seeing here is that some of the worst victim blaming is in fact a form of Stockholm syndrome. Imagine the headfuck of, as I just put it, forcing yourself to play happy families with a man who is meant to love you but instead rapes you. Admitting that this precise situation, happening to someone else, is rape, would bring the whole house of cards down. So you blame the victim instead, for not making the choice you made and pretending everything in the garden is lovely

OP I hope you are ok this morning. I agree your DH needs to understand what he has done and stop minimizing. He could stop at any point if he wanted to and saying "point of no return" is nonsense.

Ask him what would have happened if there was an emergency at that point. A fire for example. He could have stopped for sure. Then ask why you being in severe pain is not an emergency.

Or kick him in the bollocks for five seconds and see how he likes it.

Some posters just post stupid shit to try and derail threads....

I also agree with village shop.

Plus I’m guessing that you’d also waited months to have sex. Why is his pleasure more important than yours then? Why not stop and try again after a while longer until it’s mutually pleasurable?

I agree with village shop also.

WS12

Well, that worked.

You must be new here.

The pity I feel for you is unreal.

Well my DH has waited months for us to have sex and I could see he was enjoying it, so I grinned and beared it and gritted my teeth as long as I could. He was nearly done when it got too bad... in the grand scheme of things, I've had worse done to me.

Is this real? I can’t work out if you’re on the wind up now. You had to grit your teeth to get through it? And he knew that and kept going? He wasn’t finished when it got too bad?

If your husband really did this to you, I promise this isn’t what a loving marriage is.

@pengggwn

See ya 👋