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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 11:31

Luisa27

My sarcastic joke has a serious point behind it. You were just being flippant.

Luisa27 · 05/05/2018 11:29

As I said, I hope OP and her DH work through this together.

Luisa27 · 05/05/2018 11:26

@ Pengggwyn Err...stop making sarcastic jokes about stopwatches then?

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 11:22

Luisa27

I don't think that sort of comment is appropriate, to be honest. This situation isn't funny. People demanding the OP be precise about how long her husband continued to penetrate her after she had withdrawn consent have some loose wires somewhere. It's fucking grim.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2018 11:21

peng I agree with everything you have said on this thread

FermatsTheorem · 05/05/2018 11:21

Timing is indeed crucial - the crucial thing is that her clearly stated "no" came before the acknowledgement that he'd heard which in turn came before the continuation of sex on his part.

I really don't get what is so difficult about this. We've even had male posters on this thread confirm that there's no lost-in-the-moment: you hear "no", you stop. Immediately. If you are a normal, decent man as opposed to a rapist.

villageshop · 05/05/2018 11:19

Well said, Louisa27.

Luisa27 · 05/05/2018 11:18

@Pengggwn if you really want to - go for it Confused

Heismyopendoor · 05/05/2018 11:16

OP I’m so sorry for what has happened to you. How are you feeling, if you are in a lot of pain today please make sure you look after yourself and go and see a doctor. You don’t have to give them details if you don’t want to.

I had a similar thing after my DC2 was born, although no surgery, I had a planned c section. I told DH it was sore and he jumped off me like I was on fire. Even now if we bring it up (DC2 is 6 now!) he still says how sorry he is and it makes him feel sick that he hurt me. Obviously I’ve explained it wasn’t him hurting me as such but he still feels so sorry. He apologised straight away on the day too. The way your DH is behaving is not good at all OP. It doesn’t even seem like he’s apologised and is totally minimising. My DH has said the same as some PP husbands, that he most certainly could have stopped.

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 11:13

Timing is crucially important in this situation, it’s the main crux of the matter...as stated by the OP in her original post.

I'd better keep a stopwatch by the bed in the future, so I can provide people with the precise number of seconds I was raped for. Because if I can't do that, I was probably not raped. Confused

Luisa27 · 05/05/2018 11:13

There are so many variables and nuances within their relationship, none of us can begin to profess we know exactly what either OP or her DH are/we’re thinking. We weren’t there.
I hope OP is being kind to herself this weekend and enjoying time with her family - and I really hope they work through this together and end up in a happy place.

Luisa27 · 05/05/2018 11:08

Agree with you @Sleeplikeasloth
Timing is crucially important in this situation, it’s the main crux of the matter...as stated by the OP in her original post.

Lizzie48 · 05/05/2018 11:07

He had time to say, 'I'm going to come.' It sounds like more than 5 seconds actually. If he had a chance to reply he had a chance to exercise self control and withdraw.

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 11:01

The time IS important though, as most people have talked about, and considered it as fact, when it is just an estimate.

Jesus. Can people stop going on about whether it was or was not exactly five seconds? It makes no difference. He didn't withdraw until he had come. That took a noticeable amount of time and in that time, the OP was suffering. Get a grip.

Sleeplikeasloth · 05/05/2018 10:56

I'm happy to be a weirdo, though I'd appreciate you not swearing at me.

The time IS important though, as most people have talked about, and considered it as fact, when it is just an estimate.

Even those that don't think this was rape, would accept it was, if he continued for minutes. And those that think this was rape, probably wouldn't, if he'd stopped in half a second. So where does that line lie?

Whether it was in fact 1 second, 5 seconds or 10 seconds makes a huge difference here, given reaction times etc.

TooTrueToBeGood · 05/05/2018 10:47

Equally no-one has a right to call others 'heartless rape apologists'.

Really? Legal reference? You may not agree with me but that does not equate to me not having a right to express my opinion with words of my choosing.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/05/2018 10:39

village forgiveness, hollow laugh. I did not hear of her dh apologising or trying to make it right, in fact he seems to have a get over it mentality and minimising what he did.

JacquesHammer · 05/05/2018 10:38

Or how many women have experimented with something it turned out they didn't really enjoy?

A couple of times. I told my partners I wasn’t enjoying what we were doing. We stopped.

It’s not really rocket science is it?

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 10:38

I agree that when people say he 'couldn't stop in time' they mean he couldn't stop himself ejaculating, but I think there is also an assumption that, since he was going to ejaculate, he had the right to keep going, and that I find utterly unacceptable and sad.

TheMaddHugger · 05/05/2018 10:26

To those disbelieving his ability to stop short.

How do you explain the old Catholic 'Withdrawal method'

Hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm Hmm

Luisa27 · 05/05/2018 10:26

@espresso couldn’t agree with you more.

TheMaddHugger · 05/05/2018 10:24

Words Fail me.

(((((soft Hugs)))) OP, if you want them.

Op, you said if a friend came to you and disclosed this, you would make a comfy spot on the couch for them.

You Need to be that kind to yourslef.

His response to your 'chat' wasn't good.

ScienceIsTruth · 05/05/2018 10:24

He may have felt unable to stop the orgasm from occurring, BUT he could (and should) have pulled out to prevent further discomfort to you; as do all men practising the withdrawal method.

He needs to understand how this has affected you and that what he did would be classed as rape; even if neither of you think of it as that.

You also need to be reassured that this won't happen again, and frankly, if he can't see that he did anything wrong, then that's probably something you won't be able to guarantee or be reassured about.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope that you feel able to discuss it openly and come to some conclusions about how you'll go forward from this.

bastardkitty · 05/05/2018 10:24

Equally no-one has a right to call others 'heartless rape apologists'. It's just mud slinging.

^ I agree. Just rape apologists is entirely factual. The rest is obvious anyway

Queenoftheblitz · 05/05/2018 10:22

Under testing, the female orgasm is actually stronger and more pleasurable than the male orgasm.
A few seconds before I come I reach a point I can only compare to reaching the top of a rollercoaster. If stimulation stops at this point I will not orgasm. I believe this is the point dp's op reached. He could have stopped, he chose not to
There is no mystique to the male orgasm, its the same as ours -just not as strong.
If I have to stop because my partner is in pain - tough.

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