for being a SAHM

why would you want to pay someone to replace you though?
and what about the 'nanny/housekeeper' person? is she going to pay someone to replace her?

Popple - very well put, and I agree with your sentiments.

Isn't the really big issue, therefore, the cost of replacing a SAHM such that the standard of living of the household doesn't suffer when she is out at work? If I want to replace myself properly with all the myriad things I do for my family, and still have some time to breathe for myself, I need to earn an awful lot of money...

I think that more women would work if they did earn enough money to employ a good nanny who could also do the housework in their absence. Ideally, everybody would also have an equal relationship with their partner - household issues, childcare and educational issues etc.

Xenia - would you still have worked if your childcare options were limited to an average nursery rather than a well educated and dedicated nanny caring for your children in their home? Forget having a supportive partner that would provide the childcare. I'm just interested in what you would do if you were placed in different economic circumstances.

I'm a SAHM at the moment (also a part-time student) and I would like to work part-time. I want to be there for my children at the end of their school day and want to bring in more money so we are comfortable. Ths is what makes me happy and fulfilled. A good balance of work and homelife.

Anna - that's too difficult a question for me, my brain hurts just thinking about it, it obviously doesn't get used much, what with me being a SAHM and everything

belgo - what constitutes abuse, in your opinion?

Anna - unless there is abuse involved, I don't think we have the right to do or say anything.

belgo - very well said.

Though, while I concur with the general sentiment that we all ought to respect the decisions of others and assume that they have the maturity to take a decision based on an informed view of what is right for their families, what do you do when you see someone very obviously acting outside the best interests of their family in response to societal pressure?

lol in response to Xenia's post:

'Some women don't know what's good for them, their daughters or their nation'

I, evidently, don't know what's good for me

In response to the OP: there is no need for you to justify your decision to be a SAHM. People should respect you enough to let you make your own decision based on what is best for your family and you.

No you are not being unreasonable - everyone has there own style and life- it is up to them how they feel they will benefit their children best. You have even more pressing reasons to stay at home.

What gets me are the women/men who stay at home claiming benefits when their kids are old enough (and have no disability) to look after thmeselves after school, unfortunately this is almost always single parents which means I am always fighting this stereotype myself!

Anyone who attacks honest hard working women (SAHM & WAHM) for trying to do their best for their family becuase it doesn't fit their views just annoys me!

In response to the OP.....eh?

It's just as likely for WOHMs to feel they are being unreasonable from what they read on MN.

Of course you're not.

anniemac - read Xenia and Mozhe and their disciples on MN and you will see the decision to be a SAHM criticised at every opportunity.

I never thought I would, but actually I find looking after my baby incredibly satisfying. I wouldn't want to miss her learning to crawl, learning to pull herself up on things, her 'chatter'. Yes, she can be incredibly hard work - if she's not strapped into her chair, she's generally up to mischief in the name of exploring, but I get so much out of watching her develop. I just wouldn't want to pay someone else to miss out on all these little milestones in her life. And I don't miss work. At all.

nogoes, just ignore them. I think one area I benefitted in having children before anyone in the family or friends had them was I just never really mixed with or talked to people about it. My sister has judgmental friends who make comments about various things but because I was never there or wanting to be there with other mothers and children I was isolated and insulated from it and in business contexts at work I'd mention children if relevant but most of work is not a discussion about your personal life so it didn't often come up.

So perhaps one mechanism is to try to avoid people who do comment or criticise or compare one child with another.

you know what, this thread was about wether 2shoes was really that unreasonalb eto be a SAHM. I think she is perfectly reasonalbe to make life choices that suit her and her family. I get really irriated by the implication that SAHM's do not work! It is work and something that brings real reward. I use dto be an underwriter and could have continued along that career path hireda nanny to rear my off spring etc etc but I choice to change careers - become a nurse and for the time being be a SAHM. I have just finished a part time nursing contract that worked around family life and it was great but not so great i would want to work full time and miss on ds childhood. Am very lucky to be in a position where we can make that choice though.

This whole 'intellectualising' and looking for social reasons and political for the choice of being SAHM or not is perhaps a way of rationalising the choice not to stay at home? THe comments made by a particular poster, yet again irritated me and I still think is talking shite around the issue but nothing i could say would change that. The quote that irks me today...

'It's a jolly good thing France and Beligium want to get women working. Some women don't know what's good for them, their daughters or their nation and need to be force out there into work and once they're doing it the scales are lifted and they realise it's what they ought to have been doing all along. We need more of that here.'

Some women dont know hwats good for them???? how very dare you! Be forced 'out there' to work. Sorry what a pile of poo

Totally agree with you Nogoes. I was ill prepared becoming a parent, for the deluge of other peoples uninvited opinions being forced on you!

2shoes, you sound like you have enough on your plate as it is without having to question your decision to be a sahm.

You definitely aren't being unreasonable, and deserve full support for the parenting choices that you make, as they are no doubt made with your child's best interests at heart.

In answer to the original post, I haven't read the rest, no you are not being unreasonable.

Since becoming a parent I am sick at the amount of judging that goes on in relation to everything from whether you work, how you feed them etc. Before I had ds no one questioned my life choices and yet now I am a mum it seems I am constantly defending every choice I make.

I am currently a SAHM and I am constantly asked by WOHM's and SAHM's with more than one child (wtf?) when am I going back to work etc. Believe it or not I am quite career minded and having time out of the workplace has given me time to reflect on what I want to do and I am now looking for a job to update my skills and give me a confidence boost before I start my own business. I am now having to justify myself to a couple of SAHM's because I am planning to extend ds's nursery hours so I can work. My SIL has told me that I am putting my own needs ahead of ds and she expected more of me!

No fault divorce is becoming the norm in France, too.

And I agree, marriage breakdown is usually a joint responsibility. I do think that it would be better if couples were able to address their differences, with professional help, more easily.

I actually agree with the non fault divorce we introduced in the UK I think in 1970. It was just too hard to work out fault before then - you think X committed adultery so they are in the wrong but Y had had 10 lovers anyway or Y beat her up or whatever. It was impossible to determine although in practice I am sure most people's natural inclination is to want to find a fault. I expect in a lot of cases fault is on both sides anyway.

2shoes, I have a brother who doesn't have any children and he is the most arrogant, self-centred person I know. I am so sick of his selfish behaviour that after an argument when he got really arsey for having to come down and take my Mum to an ultrasound in February(he works for himself and has sufficient staff to hold the fort for him whilst he suns himself somewhere for 6 weeks, and I had done all her care after she had a major op, and other consultant appointments) that I am no longer speaking to him, .

It is SO peaceful I am really enjoying it. Not suggesting you do this obviously but really do let your db's comments wash in one ear and out the other.

Db is actually more French than English. He just never took French nationality, which he would have been entitled to do.

Roskva - yes, international marriages/divorces are very complex and not really representative of anything.

Proving fault in divorce is very complicated, whatever the jurisdiction. As you quite rightly say, Xenia, it is often the party who has been maltreated that ends the relationship, and ends up worse off because of it. That's a good reason for no fault divorce.

Anna, maybe it depends on the Regional Court. Or the fact that db is not French. Db has been back to court several times to try to get his alimony reduced - he was made redundant after the settlement was imposed, and is now earning substantially less, to no avail.