for being a SAHM

d, that's interesting becauyse I remember when I was 22 with my first baby and even at 36 with the twins that yes woudl be fun to play with them, I adored breastfeeding them, cuddling them, all those nice things when they look at you and hug you, love talking to the 8 year olds, even qute like teenagers and find the ones at univesrity fascinating to talk to I like it for a limited time. May be I have ADD (joke) but I have a time of internal stop watch which after a time I want to hand the child of whatever age back to someone else and get on with something else. A bit like I wouldn't want to do gardening all day

Very interesting debate - watching on the sidelines...

Agree a lot with Poppler and Xenia.

xx

It's interesting that if I won the lottery I would carry on working. In a sense I could sell all assets now and not work (just) but I work because I like the work I suppose like some stay at home fathers and mothers love what they do. It's not about the money. It's about liking how you spend your time.

The working mother case is rarely put as a positive thing that is the right choice so I just like to put it as we read so much about how stay at home is morally and psychologically best that working mothers get sick of that. It's nice to set out why it's actually beneficial to work, not just something you have to do because of money etc.

I haven't belittled them. They seem to feel internally belittled for some reason. I asked why it wasn't dull because I genuinely can't see why not? I suspect like many working mothers and probably a lot of men we do find it dull with children for long days and like the variety of childcare plus work. Some mothers on maternity leave even with subsequent children are itching to get back. Perhaps if a man is fed up at work he (or even a woman) if they can afford it shoudl have the chance to stay home but it should certainly not be a position women can "bag" within a marriage and say - tough - you're male, you have to work for 40 years whether you like it or not.

Xenia - "What puzzles me is why do people want this being with the child? Yes, I loved to see babies learning to crawl, little steps, learning to talk etc etc and I loved to see that on a daily basis and if occasionally I missed bed time that's a shame but how could anyone want that day in day out. How interminably dull"

Dull? how is watching your child blossom and grow dull? Every job has its less than glamarous, challenging, intellectual, bladebla aspects to it, even yours i daresay - it must do, else you woudlnt be sitting on MN casting your pearls of wisdom and laying the world's woes at the feet of SAHMs.

I chose to be a SAHM, yeah i know its selfish and we struggle financially for me to do so. Yeah, i get bored sometimes and wonder what is going to happen to my career. But hey, i'm an intelligent woman, when i decide to return to work, i'll find something challenging, stimulating etc etc to do, and i bet i spend time during the day thinking, oh, how dull....i wish i were doing something else.

Would i miss this time i am having with my DD, given the choice, not for all the tea in china. I do accept that some women make the choice to go to work, thats great for them, i certainly don't think that they should be made to feel guilty for their choice.

What really gets my goat is the belittling of the SAHM, what is more worthwhile than nurturing your children? There are many things which equal, but notthing, IMO that betters it.

Its OK Xenia, you really don't have to justify your choices, im sure you are a great mum and your children admire and respect you (really, im not being sarcastic they must be well proud of you). so pleasedon't feel that you have to justify it to yourself by so verdantly defending your lifestyle at teh expence of others.

oh xenia
do you ever ge tbored going on and on abotu worka dn private educaiton

I am happy to heap criticism on men too for letting their women do too much domestic stuff at home and allowing their wives to give up work.

A colleague (now divorced) said she should have married for money, not love.
"Because you can have love on the side, not the other way around"
She's now with a hospital consultant and enjoying both.

No, you're not being unreasonable.
The Sunday Times yesterday had a bit about how the debate about SAHM/WOHM has moved on in the States because of a realisation that the debate should be about how employers treat working parents.
The conclusion was that it was pointless for women to waste energy on the SAHM/WOHM debate when they should focus on campaigning for better provision for whatever your choice happens to be...whether that's tax breaks or better childcare etc.
Xenia - one of your earlier posts implies that Cameron will be in a position to do something about this - we'll have to wait to see if he's elected of course. Whoever is in power, we need to push politicians to provide what parents need in order to exercise their choices.
The person being tipped for deputy leadership of Labour is Harriet Harman - if she gets there, it'll be interesting to see what she manages to achieve before the next election and whether that helps or hinders you as a parent...then make sure you register your approval/disapproval at the ballot box.
Politics aside, the sad reality is that whatever you choice you make, as a mother it feels like you're always being criticised - particularly dismaying when the criticism comes from other women.

I think 3 in 4 or 4 in 5, in the UK, that's true. But it's changing a lot. Still a lot of women consciously or unconsciously will not easily go out with men who earn more and marry up even if they profess to be egalitarian about it.

What puzzles me is why do people want this being with the child? Yes, I loved to see babies learning to crawl, little steps, learning to talk etc etc and I loved to see that on a daily basis and if occasionally I missed bed time that's a shame but how could anyone want that day in day out. How interminably dull. And to get no pay for that, little appreication from your other half, complete career destruction usually and ultimately absolutely no thanks from children who just wonder why you never achieved anything and can't afford to buy their trainers it really is a lose lose situation which is puzzling that so many women apparently love.

most men earn more than women

Remember it's both man and woman who are needing child care and house keeping etc, not just the woman's wage is therefore relevant and many women earn more than their men believe it or not although on mumsnet that doesn't often seem to be the case which perhaps just shows it's not representative of the real less sexist world.

Would I leave the children in inadequate child are? Hopefully not. Many men leave their children with mothers who actually aren't that good at looking after them and shout and swear at them and pack them off in front of the TV all day when the children would be better with loving carers at a nursery which is why some children from not particularly good homes at the lowest end of most scales actually do better in nurseries than at home.

Depends what you mean is inadequate. Most state nurseries are fine and dont' do long term damage however much stay home mothers want to con themselves that that is so.

belgo some good posts there

geekgrrl - I don't want someone to replace me, but if I did (or had to), it would be very, very expensive to find someone who could do everything I do... so I'd need to earn an awful lot of money...

Popple - that perfect balance is sometimes very hard to achieve. Most likely someone, something has to be compromised. I've accepted that compromise, and have found happiness.

belgo - think about it and come back with some answers when you have