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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for being a SAHM

492 replies

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 13/05/2007 10:12

i am a SAHM because
I have a severely disabled child. I have to be on call 24/7 as she also has epilepsy/
Dh is happy for me to be a SAHM and we manage finacially.
apart from respite we have no one to help if she is ill or in the school hoildays.

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 14/05/2007 23:26

squirrel, yes, i like that, "a paycheque from poverty", i know that feeling only too well. I try not to involve myself in a xenia thread, as i have termed the SAHM debate because its always hijacked and interesting points of view are not heard because certain people feel it has to be a feminist campaign, yeah yeah, well ive read the womens room, i did my men hating when i was in my twenties, now i think they really are rather cool and im happy in my domestic haven. One day, when im good and ready, i'll go back to work, just now, im going to enjoy my daughter.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 14/05/2007 23:15

Oh dear all this rubbish about "women have always had to and wanted to work"

No, the aim for most people historically has always been to reduce the time they had to work. Not just women. The fight for the eight hour day was all about reducing the working week for everyone. It was supposed to be only a start. Unfortunately, the struggle for a shorter working week appears to have stopped in its tracks about ooh, a century ago.

I swore I would never bother to counter any of Xenia's arguments again, but can't resist - the idea that it's a "risk" to be dependent on a man. Actually it's a "risk" to be dependent on an employer as well. Redundancy terms from a husband are generally better than those from an employer. Having a job/ career doesn't protect you from being dumped without money. Most people do not earn enough to cushion themselves against being dumped by their employers. Most of us are "a paycheque from poverty".

Yes I know, you're now going to tell us that that's why people who go in for low paid jobs where you are only a paycheque from poverty, like teaching, nursing, occupational therapy, admin, etc., are stupid and ought to only bother to do highly paid jobs. But that really is not a solution, if everyone wanted to be city bankers and no-one wanted to be nurses, the price of city bankers would go down and that of nurses would go up. As Gilbert and Sullivan so succintly put it "when everyone is somebody, then no-one's anybody".

In answer to the op, of course you're not unreasonable, you don't need a justification to be a SAHM. Bringing up children doesn't stop being socially useful activity because you have an emotional and biological investment in the children you bring up (no-one has ever explained to me properly why it's work when it's done by someone who is paid and worth at least £400 a week, but not work when it's done by a mother and worth nothing).

DimpledThighs · 14/05/2007 23:04

crikey moses!

DimpledThighs · 14/05/2007 23:03

\link{ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands \pete burns}

feel this thread may have lost it's way a bit though!

rabbleraiser · 14/05/2007 23:00

And just who is Pete Burns?

I mean, we all know that peat burns. Just ask the Irish.

mamazon · 14/05/2007 22:49

its ok cos i have already gone so didnt see you

Wotzsaname · 14/05/2007 22:48

I wasn't here...

MamaMaiasaura · 14/05/2007 22:48

see i looked byee x

Nikki76 · 14/05/2007 22:45

Pete Burns?

mamazon · 14/05/2007 22:44

like a madwoman baby round round round round

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 14/05/2007 22:41

he spins me right round baby right round

OP posts:
DimpledThighs · 14/05/2007 22:40

I love pete burns

Nikki76 · 14/05/2007 22:39

I think its up to people to do what suits them and their family - simple as that! Life is far to short to stress about what other people are doing regarding working or not working!

As for me, I'm profoundly deaf, its not easy for me to get a job as you wouldn't believe how many companies piss and moan about being able to use the telephone (not minicom I add) and so with my job, as well as wanting to go back part time for a financial pespective, I need to keep my hand in the work place as I don't need a career gap and a disability to contend with - it doesn't wash with the increasingly competitive job market these days!

Live and let live.....

mamazon · 14/05/2007 22:33

roflmao 2shoes

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 14/05/2007 22:33

rabbleraiser you are right to be proud

OP posts:
rabbleraiser · 14/05/2007 22:32

Xenia, I don't recall saying that women didn't traditionally work, but perhaps I unwittingly implied it in an earlier post. I am aware of social history (I happen to be an intelligent bog cleaner ,) and my grandmother and my mother both worked ... but in the same way that I do, which is around childcare.

For what it's worth, I don't do too badly financially, but I take your point about the contrast. I made a choice ... I'm an older mother, I'm only ever going to have one child, and I clean other women's houses because it's an option available to me at the moment that suits my current situation.

I'm proud of the choices I've made. I can look my son in the eye when he's older and tell him that I cleaned other people's floors so that he could have a better start in life than me.

MamaMaiasaura · 14/05/2007 22:29

ture mamazon..

I love you too 2shoes LOL at least this thread got me chatting to you lots.. Lets look on the positive side!

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 14/05/2007 22:26

mamazon well said I think we could post and post on here and never get any where... as a very clever person said it is like a pete burns song

OP posts:
mamazon · 14/05/2007 22:24

awen i was very very angry earlier with teh posts about Sn, but i realise that that is a sore subject for me so not necessarily what was actuially said.

i also realise that for some people their opinion is teh only one that matters, so there is little point wasting time and energy trying to alter their perspective

Callmemadam · 14/05/2007 22:23

Interesting that you accept that it's your psychological issues about not working that you couldn't manage if you didn't have a career.That is the point that a lot of posters have been making - you may generalise all you like, but it's our personal issues dictate our choices, not - as you pretend - your sense of destiny or your place in the history of women.... incidentally, I didn't marry a rich man; I gave up my career (earning as much as him) to build a family life that enabled him to become rich. And you know what - I'm bloody proud of him.

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 14/05/2007 22:23

awen i love you

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 14/05/2007 22:22

mamazon - very good post. I on the other hand couldnt be nice about it all anymore. Kinda of sick of the whole you are wrong and I am right and superior attitude Xenia is spouting. I cant remember if I have ever felt so irritated by someone on here.. hmm I know titiana..

MamaMaiasaura · 14/05/2007 22:20

I bet you ignore that last post too as well as the others i have. very selective. I am sure daddy dearest would make a really interesting analysis of you .. Lots of control issues/personailty issues I shouldnt doubt.

MamaMaiasaura · 14/05/2007 22:19

interesting that u dont comment wehter your mother worked xenia..

mamazon · 14/05/2007 22:18

what you dont seem to understand Xenia is that for many women taking care of tehir family and home IS work. it fullfills them and they are doing the best they can in their opinion to raise their children.

YOU may not feel comfortable remaining home with your children (in which case you should be very gartefull of those who do choose that career) but there are many many women who feel that by chosing to give birth you should also want to actuially spend time with your child.

for a large number of women children are not a fashion accessory or a milestone they feel they should acompish, they are little people who require all teh attention they can lavish upon them.

You need to learn that jsut becasue someone feels the complete opposite to you that doesnt mean that their view is wrong. you live your life in the way you choose. so long as you are happy with teh way your children are raised, you can sleep at night and you dont feel that they will resent anything you have done then great....because thats all any parent can hope for.