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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for being a SAHM

492 replies

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 13/05/2007 10:12

i am a SAHM because
I have a severely disabled child. I have to be on call 24/7 as she also has epilepsy/
Dh is happy for me to be a SAHM and we manage finacially.
apart from respite we have no one to help if she is ill or in the school hoildays.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
2shoes · 20/05/2007 22:34

it is har but very rewarding(well for me it is as dd is a hoot)
sad story about your mum and sister

Judy1234 · 20/05/2007 22:31

She's a bit of a red herring actually as she sadly only lived for 2 weeks as she was born very ill. Ihad my mother's diary typed last year which I found after her death which was a kind of baby book just about us as under 8s. It is intereting to hear how you are before you have conscious memory. The saddest bit is her description of my sister's birth and death.

I've read a lot of descriptions over the years by people who live with very disabled children and it must be very difficult indeed.

Elasticwoman · 20/05/2007 21:59

Xenia, didn't you live with your sister who had Down's? Was she older or younger than you?

2shoes · 20/05/2007 21:42

xenia that is one of the best posts I have seen by you.

Judy1234 · 20/05/2007 19:43

I didn't exactly say I knew nothing. My father for example worked for years with chidlern with special needs and my sister who didn't live long had down's syndrome and I have known some people with SN children and nannies, that's all I was saying but SN is a very broad title and as I said I certainly don't have personal experience of living with a special needs child.

Plenty of stay at home mothers feel qualified to write about working mothers even those who haven't worked full time.

What I am sure we will all agree on is most parents love their children very much indeed and do what they think is best for them as I'm sure you.

mozhe · 20/05/2007 17:49

But why can' people voice their thoughts/opinions on SN...even if they don't have a child with SN ? She isn't saying, ' this is how you do it...or else ', she was just saying this might be a way of dealing with it.....Is that so wrong ?

2shoes · 20/05/2007 17:32

you have voiced your opions on sn care. But as you have stated you don't know anything about sn care.
I realise that i might as well bang my head against a brick wall as you will never give an inch so in future will advoid you like the plague. good bye farewell and good luck.

Judy1234 · 20/05/2007 16:36

So what's wrong with what I wrote that you just quoted?

2shoes · 20/05/2007 15:55

as posted by xenia

2shoes · 20/05/2007 15:55

Getting back to the original poster she has a severely disabled child and that is a very different thing from most parents because although I do know people with nannies who are prepared to help whilst the mother works and some people use boarding schools depending on the condition etc if the mother's wage is large enough to pay for that in many cases only the parent can do the care, no one else will and it's not sitting around doing your nails care, it's very hard. I think in those cases it just depends on the disability. If say the mother earned 10x what the father did as I did ultimately with my husband and one of us had to stay home we agreed it would always be him even before we married so he would have done if the children required it. In other cases if it's a disability that can be managed by a nanny and the parents earn enough to pay then of course in some cases it's better to work- mother gets a break, family income increased etc but I'm sure some disabilities are just too severe to find anyone to take them on.

Elasticwoman · 20/05/2007 14:10

Yes you did Xenia. I have now started a new thread under Spirituality etc to discuss religion and sex equality.

Judy1234 · 20/05/2007 13:48

I thought I'd said how difficult it must be with a special needs child, didn't I? Read what I posted.

mamazon · 20/05/2007 11:50

2shoes - step away from the thread.

there are times when you need to accept people crave a soapbox, this is Xenia's.

try not to fuel the flames by bumping the thread. i think it is well documented that you are a fantastic mum in what can eb a very difficult situation, you do the very best job you or anyone else could.

sadly as parents of SN children we also realise that people with no experiance tend to have the loudest views.
don't rise to it, just pray that her children never have an accident that leaves them requiring that extra attention

2shoes · 20/05/2007 11:46

i have to say that i find it incredibly rud to totally hijack a thread. I realise that no one has ownership of a thread. but when a poster then takes it over just to push her own views.......rude is the word I think.
Xenia you have said you know nothing about sn but feel you can still post about sn children going into residentail care. I have to question this and ask for your credentials as an expert in the sn fiels.

Judy1234 · 20/05/2007 11:26

I agree but sadly today in 2007 fundamentalist Christians (some, not all) and Muslims are misreading those things, not allowing them to have been of their times and using them to justify refusing to allow women to study, become doctors, work whilst married etc etc. God must despair of it all.

Caroline1852 · 20/05/2007 10:38

I do not find the bible quotations in the least bit sexist or demeaning to women. Most of the quotes say that men should look after their women. They should be taken in their historical context too: the world was a different place then. The sentiment is respectful and I think that is the important bit.

Judy1234 · 19/05/2007 18:32

Yes, of course you can change them but you're arguably deciding to change God's views for your own convenience whether you're Muslim or Christian or you can say Jesus/God/Allah had a core message of equality and a load of sexist men writing rubbish 2000 years ago can be ignored and indeed one thing Jesus tried to do was get people away from Old Testament going by the very letter of the law and not the spirit and I'm sure the proper Muslims have the same view. Those conservative ones who get bogged down in detailed dogma are really going against the spirit of the equality Jesus and the Prophet etc were all after. I expect they weep up there at the sexist mess men (not women) have made of it all.

Elasticwoman · 19/05/2007 16:58

Thanks for the bible quotations Xenia. I shall be investigating but I suspect that the "submit to your husband" type phrases can be toned down according to translation and putting it in context. (For example, the "eye for an eye" bit in the OT sounds vindictive in our modern times, but in its day meant "take NO MORE than an eye for an eye" etc.

"Husbands love your wives" gives a more balanced feel than the quotations from the Koran that you gave previously.

Of course religious views are personal. So are parenting views, and views on sex, relationships, money etc. All are discussed on MN and if you don't want to take part Lucyellensmum, you don't have to.

toomuchtodo · 19/05/2007 11:37

we're just different

I feel I've got the best bits too, the time spent is the best bit IMO

Judy1234 · 19/05/2007 11:30

I know and I really did work to avoid that, all those hours trying to get the best exam results, picking the job that would mean I could afford cleaners and nannies - it was a cunning plan to get the best but not the worst bits of parenthood. Although in 22 years I've probably had a fair bit of the bad bits too

toomuchtodo · 19/05/2007 09:46

outsource, ha ha!

wish I could pay someone to do the details but sadly for most mums that isn't the case!

Xenia you'd hate to be me, it describes my life quite well!

still each to their own!

glad you got a chuckle though!

Judy1234 · 19/05/2007 09:21

too, brilliant. Makes even more more sure that I will never understand how any one, male or female, could actively choose to make that their life. Weird but each to their own I suppose. Not surprising most men and women try to outsource as much of that as they can.

toomuchtodo · 19/05/2007 09:10

some of you might get a chuckle at this!

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment .

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation).

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function (with one day's notice).

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed.

The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the
purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them,brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00.

They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.

Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 am and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, 'You're not the boss of me'.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

Judy1234 · 19/05/2007 07:47

Working parents do the parenting / house bit plus the full time work and yes they do cram more into the day. Obviously depends on the age of the children but some working parents like me will have over the years had to carve out work or domestic admin periods parents at home don't like 10 - 12 midnight used to a regular slot at my desk or at one stage 5am to 7am on Saturday morning. One of the things women who give up work mention is that they can go all those things like put on the washer etc during the day so the evenings are more relaxed.

When we were both working and the children was younger particularly when we didn't have a cleaner the evenings were crammed with the two of us dealing with children, sorting out washing etc. So yes you pack in 3 jobs if 2 parents work full time even if you do have a nanny or nursery in the day. A lot of stay at home parents also do the family admin during the day like paying bills etc and it's not so easy to do those at work.

Obviously I agree with mozhe too about being a parent clearly not being a job and most parents working too now, in the past and around the world. But in a free world if you can afford it you can make your life what you want and I wouldn't want to stop anyone. I can advise them of adverse consequences of certain life choices as is my right but they don't have to take my advice. Many adults choose never to have children, to live alone and to spend all their money on themselves or whatever.

Getting back to the original poster she has a severely disabled child and that is a very different thing from most parents because although I do know people with nannies who are prepared to help whilst the mother works and some people use boarding schools depending on the condition etc if the mother's wage is large enough to pay for that in many cases only the parent can do the care, no one else will and it's not sitting around doing your nails care, it's very hard. I think in those cases it just depends on the disability. If say the mother earned 10x what the father did as I did ultimately with my husband and one of us had to stay home we agreed it would always be him even before we married so he would have done if the children required it. In other cases if it's a disability that can be managed by a nanny and the parents earn enough to pay then of course in some cases it's better to work- mother gets a break, family income increased etc but I'm sure some disabilities are just too severe to find anyone to take them on.

mozhe · 19/05/2007 02:17

We already used Louis, albeit as a middle name....maybe we can recycle it as a first name ? like it loads......are you also a fellow insomniacs expat/scottish ? It's great isn't it ?