(or completely old-fashoned) to feel a bit shocked about this?

I dont want to go into a SN conversation but I have experience at the moment that this is just as big a problem.

those who teach their children to hit back - what if the original hitter has SN, for instance, and doesn't have the understanding to moderate their behaviour or the empathy to realise that hitting is not nice? Is it OK for your NT kid who should know better to hit an SN kid who may not have that ability?

Don't approve of teaching kids to hit back, violence just begets more violence (eye for an eye ultimately leaves everyone blind) but it is understandable if children do hit back in some circs. Parents shouldn't promote it though. And they do need to be able to defend themselves/escape in a real emergency.

hippipotami sorry i got the wrong end of the stick.

Both my boys hit back if they are hit first.
They should be encouraged to defend themselves.
If they always go running to teacher they will be picked on even more.
They are not aggressive but they know how to stand up for themselves, and I ma glad that thye do.

I do agree with hitting back - theres no way anybody will touch my child without fighting back. My preference would be for her to report it though

I've taught mine that hitting is wrong unless they have to no option. They have my permission to defend themselves. Like gdg I was bullied for a short period by an older girl and it only stopped when I slapped her.

I've always been strict about smacking and DS1 knows that it's not acceptable. However I don't intervene if he's defending himself against other smackers. Although I don't condone it, and never encourage him to hit back, I'm happy to turn a blind eye as it's good for kids to stick up for themselves.

My children have all been told that if someone hits them then they should hit them back twice as hard. My kids are all very non-violent, cissies even! But they need to know how not to be a victim.

My boys are told to tell the "thumper" to stop in a loud voice, then tell the teacher if not already spotted, and as a last resort give the other child a good shove.

Its a tricky one though,cos I dont want to encourage violence, yet boys naturally do get aggressive. My 2 fight like cats and dogs at times, over v petty things. I try to hang back and let them sort it out themselves, all good life experience, etc, but we talk a lot about trying to sort it out, out loud. Boys are hopeless at communicating!!

2shoes, I did not explain that very well, it was a pretend movement, and it was well away from the other boys face - at least a foot and a half. Honestly, it was completely in gest (jest?) It also was not a single punch movement, more like one of those boxing warm-up moves, as in 3 rapid air punches. Does that make sense?
I do think the dad overreacted, because his son would have started a punch up over nothing. Fwiw - the boy whose dad overreacted is becoming a bit of a bully. Coincidence?

I agree children should stand up for themselves when bullied, but I don't agree with this 'hit him' mentality of the parents. No one wants their child to be a victim, but I worry when an entire generation is going to be raised on a 'talk with your fists' mentality...

Gosh I have just remembered when I was 11 - my younger brother (9) was bullied at school. It was an older girl and he pointed her out to me on the walk to school one day. I went over and thumped her.

And she never bullied him again

and i have never hit anyone ever again - nor has my brother

it was as is she had not considered that it might hurt and there might be repercussions for her actions

i dont think 'defending yourself' has to then lead to escalation or always makes the victim a bully. As a parent I would ask my dd what happened/did you tell the teacher first and hope that would solve it. But if she hit back in self defence I think i would support her in that.

When I first started reading through the replies I thought I couldn't post mine because it would be opposite to the majority views and I'm not in the frame of mine for an argument.
Then I read further and was relieved to find that there are parents here who support hitting back for self defence and as a deterent to further physical aggresion.

I think children should try to avoid a physical retaliation if possible but very often the most effective and swiftest way to stop a thump happening again is to retaliate physically.

I have told my older children to 'thump back'

When I was being taunted at secondary school it only ended when I slapped the girl across the face. Sometimes, it's the only language a bully understands.

I would have said 'did you tell Mrs X?'.

If there was ongoing bullying and nothing was being done, I'm afraid I'd tell mine to hit back too.

MaureenMLove, the girl nexr door (aged 6) is the biggest hitter/slapper/ hooligan for miles around. My 3 boys are often the victim of her indiscrimiate violence, so atm feel quite strongly this isn't a boy thing!!

Re hitting back, it's a toughie. I have always taught our that hitting isn't allowed, but had memeorable incident in kindergarten where some kid had really hurt mine and he was really crying hard and went to kindergarten teacher in tears and after some questions amongst which my ds had said he wasn't allowed to hit back, she turned to me in mild confusion/ shock and asked was this true, that I'd told him he wasn't allowed to defend himself.

So that kind of made me change my approach. I still don't agree with hitting, but the culture we're in now seems to advocate it, and indeed, the kids are much more independant/encouraged to sort out their battles themselves.

lol at apretend punch in the face being a friendly gesture
although the dad over reacted I wouldn't have been best pleased if some child did that to my son when he was younger.
so your all going to tell your dc's to run adn tell if they get hit.......fine at school . they will just get called a victim. but what about when they are not at school and you are not there?

I saw something very similar outside our school gates a few weeks ago.

Son and Father talking outside classroom. Sons' classmate comes up to son and does a friendly, pretend boxing punch in Sons' face. Son and Friend laugh, and Friend walks off. (these two boys are best friends according to DS)
So Father turns to Son and says:

"Are you just going to let him do that to you. Are you just going to stand there like a wimp. Next time, deck him one! Don't ever stand there and let anyone do that!

Urgh, myself and some of the mums who witnessed this all raised our eyebrows. I was shocked and horrified, as it so clearly was a friendly gesture, and the boys are good pals (both are in my ds's class)

It is not the way I am raising my ds, I was truly appalled. (and very surprised as Father is spitting image of John Simm and you would expect him to be nice for that reason alone!!)

Hmm. Not how I'm raising my boys...

no we are supposed to tell our children to stand there and take it, then tell the teacher.

however real life without mumsnetters and their herbs is a big different.

especially when its not the occasional thump.

you see its all about top dog at school ( you went didn;t you?) cultures of schools are different but the prevailing ideology it mains the same whatever age.

My kids wer taught to tell the teacher. If it then happened again. thump them back.

I don't have herbs so haing not read the thread i expect to be a lone voice whilst you all join effin greenpeace or sommat.

must quickly add - some kids just can't hit back. they are not built that way. Ihave a younger son who is a lover not a fighter so i tell him to behave or he will get his older brother arrested - as if i get wind of my younger son being thumped i will instruct older son to go and sort it out.

but some kids donthave a handy older bro.

i didn;t and was mercilessly bullied at school. 11 years of abject misery i will not subject my children to.

I would tell ds to hit back. as I have always said to him I don't send him to school to be a punch bag