Can we talk about Mothers Day flowers and whether I'm being mean

Try Serenata or Flying Flowers. Here is a pic of the Serenata flowers dh got for our anniversary.

£20 is an acceptable bunch of flowers? Is that how much you spent in the end? God that's the behaviour of a mean tight-arse. To a woman who goes to the trouble of sending you what you like on your birthday!

Oh no not the 'vouchers' again

Yes OP, but you have said repeatedly that you like vouchers. So your MIL goes to the trouble of buying you something you like but you won’t do the same in return. And she’s not your mother either, so it’s more acceptable for her to give you something like that as she knows you less well and is less likely to know what you like. She is his mother though and he does know what you like.

And it’s blatantly obvious that there is a power struggle between you with you complaining about her ‘passive aggressive communication’ and this tit for tat retaliation.

And yes, my DH is a crap gift giver and it’s sometimes hurtful when you would just like someone to show they had been thoughtful. And if he tried to extend his crapness to my own gift giving he would be given very short shrift. Although I do count myself fortunate that he is just crap and doesn’t try and dress laziness and meanness as a virtue for which he should be applauded.

£20 once a year OP? Honestly that's a bit rubbish.

Incidentally why doesn't DH go and see her on Mother's Day? I know you live 3 hours away but I presume you go other times? Why not just send him to spend the day with his mum and take her the flowers?

I think £20 is acceptable for a bunch of flowers

Ah yes. Just the message you want to send on Mother’s Day. You are not a good mother or special or loved. You are merely ‘acceptable’. Have an ‘acceptable’ bunch of flowers.

There are nice bunches of flowers for £25. When flowers are being delivered much of it is a matter of delivery charges and you’re only really spending on the flowers after the £15 mark. So £25 is a nice £10 bunch of flowers but £20 is just a derisory petrol station type posy.

I’ve had a look and the ones at £20 are really a bit shit. But then that’s really the message you want to send isn’t it? ‘Here’s something a bit shit. We wanted you to know you’re not worth effort or expense.’

Yes, we have personal spending but not £50!!

It's once a year and you always know it's coming. Unless you're in absolute dire straits, in which case your MIL's flowers are the least of your worries, you can handle it.

To the poster who asked how I know MIL expects a fuss - she is the queen of passive aggressive communication - trust me, we know

Says the DIL who wants to send her a voucher for less than half the price, because she knows MIL wants the flowers!

No "love in the sending" - it's just a hurried credit card transaction to fulfil an obligation which is why I dislike Mothers Day so much.

Who cares what you dislike? Your MIL likes receiving flowers on Mothers' Day and doesn't care that it's an online purchase that didn't require several days' quest witha shield and magic helmet. What's it to you?

Of course he'll tell you he agrees with you. He'll also tell his mother he agrees with her (which is what he does every time he buys her a bouquet on Mothers' Day). He just wants you both to be quiet so he can buy a sodding bouquet and make her happy.

£50 is a lot if you're on a tight budget for something that will be in the bin in a few days. I'm sure you could get a nice bouquet for a lot less.

My MIL gets a £60 bouquet 3 times a year - and she's dead! I don't get involved.

So many posters seem to begrudge other people's happiness on mothers day because of the 'that's not how we do things' mentality. What a load of mean minded bitter bollox!

Who cares what you like? She's his mother, this is what she likes and it's once a year. Let him get her what she likes. She's got flowers, she's happy. He's done right by his mother, he's happy. You get to feel superior because unlike her, you're not materialistic and have rejected the day, you're happy.

I think £50 is a ludicrous amount to spend on flowers. I'm also tired of hearing about various women 'expecting' particular gifts or being 'put out' if they don't get them. If someone is kind enough to give or send you a gift you smile nicely and appreciate the gesture, whether it's a tiny token or a massive expensive one. Where are all these hideous spoilt people coming from? They must be so dissatisfied with life if even gifts give them something to grumble about. Prats.

She likes flowers.

You don’t like her. We get it. You are a much more worthy person who spends money in a much better way. You think she is wasteful and resent spending money on flowers for her.

Leave DH to do what he thinks will make his mum happy.

Also, FWIW, my MIl doesn't expect anything for mothers day. If she gets a card she is happy.

My DH doesn't do mothers day with his mum as she knows how much they love her and she doesn't want the fake grand gesture.

Isn't present buying supposed to be about finding a gift the recipient would like? It sounds as though your DH has got that completely sorted. I personally would be heartbroken if my DC presented me with a voucher - it would show that they didn't know me at all. I would rather have nothing!

Elton my "putting her order in" was in response to OneDayNameChange. Fwiw I agree with you.

She hasn’t ‘put an order in’. It’s just what DH has done and they know she likes it.

I don’t think this has anything to do with money or principles. I think it’s to do with sticking two fingers up at MIL and showing her who wears the trousers. If it was about anything else anybody with a modicum of decency would look for cheaper but nice alternatives.

Being dead set on a £20 voucher means the OP wants to get the message across that MIL is not important and not worth the effort loud and clear.

Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that a man who treats his mother with kindness, thoughtfulness, love and respect is likely to treat the other women in his life the same way?

This ^

Putting your order in for Mother's Day is presumptuous I agree. Or they could be doing it to make life easier for those who are busy or just crap at buying their mother's presents.

Giving them the heads up if you like. I'm not overly bothered about Mother's Day, a lovely card is more important to me with a nice written message but one of my dc is pretty useless at thinking ahead and will often ring me and ask what I want. Flowers is the usual reply as I know they're not hard to sort out but I don't see anything wrong with suggesting a jumper or whatever else you might like. It doesn't make you self centred imo you're making it easier for them.

The misery and meanness of DILs towards MILS on mumsnet has to be seen to be believed.

Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that a man who treats his mother with kindness, thoughtfulness, love and respect is likely to treat the other women in his life the same way?