To think my Mum is totally far too full on?

Oh my god reading your post made me feel absolutely horrified!

We are pretty lucky with both sets of grandparents and they live at the other end of the country so are never too intrusive (we actuall ywish they lived closer now!). When our ds was born we told them well in advance that they were very welcome to come and visit while I was still in hospital to see our baby when he was tiny but that when we went home we wanted to do that as a family and have the 2 weeks my dh was off work on our own. Then we invited them to come and stay later. Sure PIL's weren't happy but they were fine about it.

I also bought both grannies the good granny guide that someone else has already mentioned which is full of not being too in your face! You can then dress up what you want to say as getting excited for her being a granny! If she doesn't take it in then you might have to be a bit more heavy handed though.

A few tears and arguments now will mean that you have a chance to keep your relationship with your mum and if she can wind her neck in a bit it will be VERY helpful to have her help after the baby is born. If she continues behaving like this though she is jeopardising her relationship with both you and the baby.

The first few weeks with a new baby are very very precious and you can never get them back so I would strongly recommend establishing the rules now in order to make life easier then...

Good Luck!!!! x

also ask your dp/dh to be in charge of visitors - family especially!!! He will need to be firm to 'protect' you both - not a popular thing at the time, but very important.

My poor dh had to ask my dad to come back later as I was post-op hormonal wreck and trying to bfeed. I adore my dad but i needed to be alone at that time. My dad was very cross with my lovely dh at the time but calmed down a lot later.

maybe have a few phrases up your sleeves - we would love to see you but so tired how about tomorrow etc etc

didn't mean to be rude about your m, sorry if I sounded rude.
I just put myself in your position and imagined I would feel totally suffocated!
Good luck with it all - It took a few years for my mil to calm down after ds's birth.
She and dh even drove to the hospital in the middle of the night after the birth to visit WITHOUT ASKING!!
I still think that's a bit of a bloody cheek!

Holly,
This is absolutely unacceptable. She should back off and get into her own life. You are becoming a mother and she is going to get in the way if she keeps thinking that it's her baby!
You need clear boundaries and to express some of how unpleasant this must be.
I feel she has no sense of boundaries about this!

My mil was a little mad and intrusive but not this bad!

My mother who had 4 children of her own and had 3 gc when my ds was born was totally laid back. But her life is very very full!

there is light at the end of the tunnel once DC is a toddler and going through the destructive/tantrum/weeing everywhere phase she will not want to know

Had mother who interfered in different way no constructive help/advice just don't do this, that cot/pram/bath isn't right, give him some fruit as he is constipated (he was four weeks and breastfed hence no poo), you need to clean that house better

don't tell her you're in labour until baby is tucked up in crib beside you or better still about to go off to university

YAdefinitelyNBU. You might have a hard time persuading her not to come to stay after the birth though. Once she knows her precious GC is in the world she will find every second pure and utter torture until she gets to see him/her...

I'm having a similar experience with PILs - they never thought they'd become grandparents and they are so, so delighted. It's really touching but also quite suffocating at times. They arrived uninvited at the hospital before I'd even given birth, and then crowded into the recovery room, with me, post emergency C-section, lying prone while they handed my dd back and forth between them & making the most bloody enormous excitable racket which rattled my drugged-up head, not to mention my poor newly born dd!

Whenever we see them (which is at least once a week) they take my dd off me and go into paroxysms of cooing, which would be cute except that for some reason they seem to find it necessary to take her right away from me, into another room if possible, and then refuse to give her back even when she's crying out of hunger, saying 'oh she's fine, don't worry...'

You need to tackle this in advance because when your precious lo is here you may come over all unreasonable, like I have, and not want anyone to take her away from you for too long!

you are not being unreasonable and lots of good advice here

one way to avoid her wanting to rush over straight away is to 'book her' to stay when your dh goes back to work? you could say you would really like her to come then and that you are looking forward to the time as a family etc etc

I agree with tubismybub - Getting the mum to return stuff she'd bought back to the shops might feel a harsh, if she'd already bought it and took the time to choose it specially etc, but at least then it would make her stop and think twice before buying stuff before asking you again.

Suggesting an alternative is a great idea, as it would make her still feel useful but also remind her that you have an opinion on what you'd like your baby to wear / sleep in / play with!!

Im sorry but that would do my head in. However youve made my mother look like an angel

Oh poor you it would drive me nuts I think maybe the experience of having a baby is so different now to when your mum had you with scan photos and all the baby stuff we're convinced we need the build up is immense and can be so much fun I guess your mum has got carried away with wanting to experience all this through you.

I think the way you are handling it best let her be involved but keep control over it. If she buys things that you don't want her too then just say "Thank you that was so kind but we already have that maybe you can return and get XXXX instead"

And definately keep her away from the labour room !!

Holly - I was just reading this thread thinking 'okay, give the mum the benefit of the doubt, maybe she is making the album to give to you when the baby is born, as a record of your pregnancy' perhaps... but then I read your most recent post about her wanting to chosse the cot. That's a bit weird. There's nothing else for it - you need to help your mum find a hobby!!

My mum also always said she wanted to be there when my sister and I had our babies, which I always thought was a bit OTT. But my sister managed to not tell her when she went into labour and announced the birth of my neice once she had safely arrived, and now I am 12 weeks prenant, I am conveniently living in Germany (Aren't we mean, we love our mums really!)

Gosh and congratulations by the way!

I don't think that you are being unreasonable but can i suggest that you do make copies of your babies scans.

They do fade after time and we lost some lovly scan pictures this way

Holly,
I agree with the other posters that you are not being unreasonable. I think there must be other issues at work in your Mum's head at the moment. You will need to sort this out somehow though otherwise it can lead to lasting strain. Do NOT let her come to stay straight after the baby is born, it can cause irreparable damage to a relationship! My MIL came to stay for a week just after my dd was born and we have never been the same since. I know it is probably easier with your own mum but having a baby is stressful enough and you want it to be about you, your dh and your lovely new baby.

My aunt was a bit like this over my cousin's wedding and really I think it was because she was able to give my cousin the big white wedding she had been unable to have herself. Could it be like this with your mum, that she didn't get the chance to do this sort of thing when she was pregnant with you or your dsis and is making up for it now?

congrats holly
she is ott

could be the most exciting thing in her life at the mo

i would bombard her with requests to search out the best pram, dummy, sterilser etc
it will keep her busy and might help to wear off the novelty aspect
good luck

my mum was a bit like this - except for the album -ooooooeeeeeeeee that's weird. She insisted on coming to stay for a week after my dh went back to work. I felt like I was fighting with her to hold my ds/push the buggy etc etc i know its fantastic to have a granny who loves your child but i spent every night holed up in my room in tears once she had finally gone to bed - i hated it but wasn't strong enough to cope with it and my dh didn't know what to do for the best. she used to sit next to me and stare at my ds while he was latched n - it was all far too much when i was still trying to get to know my ds. I suffered from what i now think was pnd and i think that this week was a strong contributor. Sorry to lay it on thick but i think you need to think about how this could escalate and what effect it could have n you when you are at your most vulnerable, you need to nip it in the bud. My mother will not be coming to stay so early next time. as you can tell i am still quite bitter about it at all. advice about not telling her you're in labour is great, we managed that one - my dh rang to say ds had arrived. am i happy that my mum loves me and my ds and would do anything for us, yes - do i feel utterly suffocated and unable to form a normal relationship with her - yes. take the bull by the horns and avoid turning into a bitter old hag like me!

I'd be suffocated by such behaviour. Can you enlist dp/dh's support?

Can you sit her down and be honest with her?
It sounds as though she is simply ruining this whole experience for you - not that she is meaning to of course. God, imagine what she will be like when you've had the baby. Please, please, please don't let her ruin your first few weeks. You will regret it forever.

Other options - write her a letter, get someone else (your sister)to have a gentle word...ummm, can't think of any more.

YANBU this sounds way over the top. I don't really have any advice cause I have the same situation with my mil (she made us promise that whenever we take any pics of dd we get copies for her ie all holiday, birthday, xmas any pics at all need to go to her too!) We didn't bother for a while, but then she came round and saw a pic on the side in a frame and had a fit because she didn't have one...

I second what somebody else said, find her something to do and quick!

I second NOT TELLING HER when you go into labour.

(My mum rang - it was her birthday - while I was in my second labour and DP, bless him, said 'she's just having a lie-down' in response to my manic hisses.)

no, you are not being unreasonable, but i would want to know why this has sent her so over the top

is it the excitement? or she has little else to be excited about and needs something to fill the gap?

do you still have your dad?

maybe she is menopausal and is upset she is at the end of her fertility?

if this is so beyond normal behaviour, i;d want to know why

maybe go and talk to her,one to one, gently explain how you feel , and find out more