to expect MIL to feed ds only what I leave out for him?

See, there's this thread where Agnes says grandparents have had their turn at parenting, then another thread where a poster argues that grandparents are/should be expected to babysit..

Anyway, I know where you're coming from Mildred as I was like that with my MIL at the beginning. I would have had a huge hissy fit if she so much as dared give my dd anything!! Be it a chocolate button, or even a bit of toast I hated her feeling that she had to feed dd up.

But, now I see her as dd & ds grandmother, who loves to spoil them. The usual things they were given when we visit are ice lollies & those yoghurt covered strawberries. It was me who had the problem, not that fact that MIL wouldn't respect my wishes.

One weetabix won't spoil a balanced diet. Yesterday when we were at MIL she asked if the kids could have crisps. I said yes, dinner was over. She said yes, I was going to give them to them yesterday but I knew you were going home for dinner...

So it works both ways. Give a little, take a little

I think children are good at dealing with 2 different systems in 2 different places.

eg dd1 eats things at daycare that we don't have/don't like at home, and she understands that the rules are different there.

If something she eats messes with her eczema, then that's different and we ask them to avoid whatever it is.

YABU. A little bit anyway! They like to do it their way, and it never did any of us any harm did it? She's sort of doing you a favour so I think you need to grin and bear it!

(I have a SIL who follows a certain baby rearing philosophy, so luckily she's already laid down the law with my MIL which means I don't have to )

You could try thanking her and saying, 'I really appreciate you helping me try to give them a healthy diet, it's SO easy to give in to temptation and give them cakes and sweets, I always struggle to get them to eat apples, do you think you could have a go for me?' I always find that a little implying that they are soooo much more experienced than me goes a long way

Lol, like your chutzpah tho' Agnes, gotta say

No shocks for me.

Trust me, I'm evil [evil]

Agnes

mother mother?

That will teach me to proofread things >_<

I'm not arguing about biscuits or weetabix here. Just principles. If you as a parent say no, the bloody caregiver/grandparent/woman from tesco should respect your choices or go off and have babies of their own to play with.

Agnes

Agnes, I take it your children are fairly young. You must so look forward to their teenage years, trust me. Think you may get a teeny shock.

rantinghousewife, don't believe that for a second. My mother had to deal with her own mother mother, who was an absolute cow when mum was bringing up my brother and I. A mother who decided that her own child was unfit to be a mother and tried to have my brother and I legally removed from her care because my mum refused to do things the way she thought they should be done. As I said, there's a great deal of respect between my mum and I. They know my limits, and they respect them. If they wish to do something they are unsure of, they ask me and I give them an honest answer. Just because the rest of the world is of the opinion that grandparents have 'rights' doesn't mean I am. They have no rights, just family. Same as I have no right to expect them to care for my child. They sometimes babysit, but that's as far as it goes because there is no need for them to do any more for us.

Is it really so hard for people to accept? We are parents, while our children are under the age of sixteen we are their legal guardians. For the most part, we are the only people who can dictate the rules of life, and for anybody else to take those responsibilities from us is just damned rude.

Agnes

Agnesnitt, I'd bet a pound to a penny, you're mother does disrespect your wishes, she's probably just wise enough not to tell you!! And a treat once in a while is not gonna kill your kids, believe me on this, once they're old enough to go out on their own, they nip down the local shop and buy themselves 6 crunchies to scoff at one sitting. What are you going to do then? Personally, I think all this control freakery around childrens food is a bit sinister. As long as they have a balanced diet most of the time, I can't really see the problem with one biscuit before tea once a chuffing week!!

me, I think respect has to go both ways. YOu are not the holy madonna because you have produced a child, and if you are getting free loving childcare, you had better stop acting like an iron curtain dictator.

My ex mother in law has bugger all to do with my daughter. She's a foul and evil old witch who will not go near any grandchildren she cannot control. So she has one grandson, instead of one grandson and three granddaughters. Her choice to live like this by the way, not mine or that of her other daughter.

As for my own mum, she's in her sixties, but she can still respect the fact that she is a grandparent and not a parent. She raised me and trusts that I am capable of making choices for my children. She may not always agree with me, and probably thinks I am a bit too strict at times, but that's the way it is, and we get along fine.

Agnes

now RIBENA is where i draw the line - my MIL does the same with SIL kids actually now i think about it i would be mad as a snake, but she does it in front of mother, asks the children if they want ribena so mother not in good position to say no. Luckily for me my dd only likes water

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I have the same beef with my MIL. Yes, I was and am very grateful for all the free help we get during the week and weekends/overnight from her, and she is a wonderful gran, BUT I don't feel she respects me and dh as PARENTS, and that's the issue. She sees dh as her baby boy and me as a young girl who doesn't know as much as her and her constant overriding of our wishes and decisions regarding dd is patronising and disrespectful. She raised her boys the way she wished, we have the right to do the same with dd.

Mostly, we get the snidey comments about dd "being deprived" as she's a veggie - she is a perfectly healthy, normal height/weight child. She also gives her sweets, chocolate, ice-cream, crisps, cartons of RIBENA (even though is says on them not suitable for children under 36m ffs!) and much more and her justifications are:

• XX was having them so i couldn't deprive her(other granddaughter she looks after)
• Being vegetarian makes her crave sweet things more (wtf?!)
• My boys were never stopped form having sweet/ chocolate etc and they both have lovely teeth

As you can see, it annoys me

Should we ask the moderators for a MILs - WHY WE HATE THEM topic...?

God, that poor old grandma. Gives her beloved grandson a bit of weetabix (which is hardly crack cocaine) and gets grief for it - and this is when she is HELPING YOU! If I were her, I'd be so pissed off.

Agnes, I don't know how old your MIL is, but perhaps she's not used to people nowadays being so controlling and prescriptive about what goes into their children's mouths?

Haven't read all the thread - but the sugar rush theory is baloney (did nobody else see the experiment on 'The Truth about Food'?)

I'm not talking about a weetabix (always think the singular should be a weetabic, it sounds odd!) I'm talking about a principle. If the grandparent was aware that the food was a no go she should have left well alone. What would have been wrong with more fruit and/or porridge?

When I have looked after other people's kids I have followed their wishes to the letter. They have with mine too. It's just about being polite.

Agnes

i understand why you are annoyed but what is so bad about weetabix at eight months? Isn't it good for them to have cereal, im not sure if i remember giving dd at that age but anyway, you could politely mention that you like to keep track of what she eats. And dare i say it, but what is wrong with a bit of chocolate now and again, my mum loves to give dd (20m) chocolate (I might get expelled from MN with comments like that but i clean her teeth, she doesnt have much and doesn't drink fruit squash or fizzy). Its not a big deal really i just like to see my mum having fun with dd, she plays so well with her and my mum really looks forward to it. I too work once a week, for the sake of my sanity so im simply grateful that i can leave dd with my mum who, whilst she might give dd the odd snack that i would necc approve of, will show her more attention and love than any childminder or nursery who i can dictate diet regeimes too. I hate to admit this though, if it were my MIL i'd be spitting teeth! And i like her too, but she is one of those women who think that her generation know best, well OK but she thinks it is acceptable to smoke around young children and babies so i would not allow her to look after dd as i know that as soon as my back turned she would be in a room full of smoke with MIL and SILs all puffing away like chimneys.

YABU. Do you like your MIL otherwise, or is this just another reason to dislike her?

Gordon Bennet Agnes. The odd sneaky weetabix, or worse, biscuit , is not going to influence your child's upbringing.

agnessnitt, I think if you feel that way, you have to be willing to look after your child all the time, or pay someone to look after them, thereby giving you the right to tell them what to feed your child. If someone is doing you a favour, you have to have the grace to accept that they may do things their way, and in this case, no actual harm is being done.

So if , for the sake of argument(bearing in midn we don;t kwno the circumstances) , the op's baby ds had had the fruit and porridge she 'd left but was obviously still hungry , perhaps unsettled and crying,in your scenario, would it not be permissable for anything else to be offered without it disrespecting your wishes ? You'd rather your baby went hungry ?

I agree that I expect my mum to accept that some things are out of bounds...

using a car seat
giving him nutricious meals
making sure he naps enough
not letting him do anything dangerous

However I have not given her a prescriptive list of items he can and can't eat, things that he can and can't do. I trust her not to anything too ridiculous (after all she raise me and I survived to adulthood). If I want to dictate precise details then I would pay a childminder to do exactly what I say (in fact I don't dictate to my childminder either but then, I trust her too).

Agnes if your mother is prepared for you to give her a prescription and she is prepared to follow it then good for you. (Are you sure she follows it )

LIZS, I don't think so. When push comes to shove, I am the parent and I will not allow somebody else to dictate how my child is brought up. It's not unreasonable, it's just about respect. I respect that my parents love my daughter and wish to treat her, but I also expect them to respect the fact that some things are out of bounds

I don't see why so many people are happy to let their parents and parents-in-law to ride roughshod over their wishes. If you put your foot down at the start there is no need to 'pick your battles' as the boundaries will already be set and nobody need get all antsy because there should be no complications.

Agnes