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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want to take my offer back - are we all being unreasonable??

35 replies

LowFatMilkshake · 01/05/2007 19:48

DH and I are part of a group of couples who are good friends and one way or another have known each over a decade. All bar one couple, (who have waited to have children) we all have children, most under 5.

The couple without children are now expecting and we are all delighted for them. But we found out that neither of thier parents have offered to buy anything for the baby, although it is the first grandchild.

The pregnant wife has asked one of us to accompany her to an second hand sale recently to help her spot things she might need, she also bought some things from a second hand shop. We dont have anything against getting stuff second hand as we all do it in our group, but we're surprised that she has done it for thier first baby, especailly with things like newborn clothes. As I guess like most mums the rest of us were all a bit prescious with the first, especially in the first few weeks and months, and wanted to get as much as possible new.

The PG wife also said her budget for the sale was proceeds from other stuff they have sold

We've told them, when they asked what things we feel were essential, such as a bed, travel and changing stuff etc. But at the sale the DW spent more money on toys etc and apparently did'nt really look at the other sort of stuff. But we just put this down to her being abit overwhelmed and unsure.

Anyway, we all felt sorry for them as we did'nt realise money was so tight. And so we've have given them a few bits we no longer need, and have made further offers of travel systems, bouncy chairs and moses baskets, sterillisers, linen and towels etc. And once baby arrives I am sure a load of clothes will also be offered from whomever has the same sex baby.

But talking amongst ourselves we have found out the the DH has just been away for the weekend clubbing with other friends. And the DW is having a jewellery party?!

Now we cant help feel a bit funny that all our offers of stuff, which were made because we thought they were a bit hard up are being accepted and yet they are still spending money on other things that are really not the sort of stuff you should be worrying about when a baby is on the way and money is an issue.

In truth, most of us cold actually keep what we have and sell it to raise money for our own families which we would use to buy more stuff we need. Or in some of our cases keep the things in case we have another baby

AWBU?!

OP posts:
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LilyLoo · 01/05/2007 20:37

No harm done they won't know

lulumama · 01/05/2007 20:35

always good to get other POVs before launching in , i find!

NKF · 01/05/2007 20:35

No harm done. You didn't say anythign to her.

ekra · 01/05/2007 20:34

Aww - don't feel bad. Perhaps you got carried away if all your friends and you were tittle-tattleing (is that a word?) about her.

Perhaps try to put yourself in her shoes next time.

rabbleraiser · 01/05/2007 20:33

Nice one, LFM!!

LowFatMilkshake · 01/05/2007 20:30

Sorry you are all right - reading your points we are being unreasonable!

I will not fess up to friend about what I have said on here, but will share some of your vaild points with the others.

Once again LFM stands corrected by the MN majority

OP posts:
wheresthehamster · 01/05/2007 20:24

I'm not sure this isn't a wind up.

I had to re-read the opening post to confirm I had read it correctly.

This couple are long time friends.
When someone gets pregnant don't friends immediately say "Don't buy anything!!!!! You can borrow ours!!!!
Don't items get passed round any more or do I just live in a generous neighbourhood.

ekra · 01/05/2007 20:23

I think yabu. We had a few friends and family members offer us items of baby stuff when we had our first baby. It's sort of what you expect isn't it? Perhaps they will offer the things back to you once they have finished using them. That's what I always do.

I have recently given away baby items to friends who have younger children than me and I don't give a sh*t what they choose to spend the rest of their money on.

Reduce. Reuse.Recycle. Perhaps your friends don't want to buy new for ethical reasons.

LilyLoo · 01/05/2007 20:17

imo yes you are all being unreasonable for all the aforementioned points especially if you take the offer back and for all discussing THEIR choices on how to spend THEIR money behind their back.

NKF · 01/05/2007 20:11

Meant to type "saecond hand baby kit"

lulumama · 01/05/2007 20:11

i would equate this to giving to charity

first, don;t give if you cannot afford it

second, don;t give with one hand and take away with the other ! if you really cannot spare stuff and need to sell it to raise money for yourself, don;t give it

NKF · 01/05/2007 20:11

If you don't need the stuff, why not give it to her? If you need to sell it for your financial reasons, then do so. Surely donating a bit of second baby kit isn't dependent on her behaving a certain way.

FiveFingeredFiend · 01/05/2007 20:10

Your certainly not being graceful. It is the nice thing to give your friend the things you have.

misdee · 01/05/2007 20:09

maybe she is green and likes stuff to be reused, its enviromentally friendly.

SecondhandRose · 01/05/2007 20:09

I bought loads for my 2 secondhand when they were little, half the stuff they only use/wear a few times. It's a waste of money to buy things like Moses baskets or swinging cribs new. If they are going down to one income perhaps they are budgeting for the future.

moondog · 01/05/2007 20:06

Bloody hell!
With friends like you lot who needs enemies!

hatrick · 01/05/2007 20:05

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hatrick · 01/05/2007 20:03

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serenity · 01/05/2007 20:03

Yes you are, and I do hope she never finds out what you are saying behind her back. Your post has made me feel really sad for all sorts of reasons.

Firstly, so what if she isn't buying new stuff. She's seen all of you going through PFB syndrome, and has realised that you don't need to buy everything new

I'd go onto secondly but tbh, I'm sure other people have made the points far better than I could and I know I'm feeling unreasonably p'd off with this.

How can you be so judgemental and call yourself her friend, lord help her if she decides to use different parenting methods too, her ears will be scarlet!

GythaOgg · 01/05/2007 20:03

They didn't actually ask you for anything though did they.

Surely they can spend their money on whatever they want.

Their priorities are just different from yours.

Nothing wrong with second hand stuff for any baby, be it your first or fifth.

Babies can be bottomless pits when it comes to spending money, but most of the things bought are not really neccessities.

burstingbug · 01/05/2007 19:59

DH goes out once every 2 months or so, I go out much less than that.

LadyMacbeth · 01/05/2007 19:58

I agree berolina. Nowt wrong with second hand baby stuff - the woman sounds very wise!

PanicPants · 01/05/2007 19:58

When I've had jewellary parties the commision has paid formy order, so maybe she just wants to buy something nice for herself to make herself feel better, without actually spending money on it.

LazyLine · 01/05/2007 19:57

I think that you should have offered the stuff because you wanted to help out, regardless of their finances, because it makes sense to pass on short lived baby items and because they are your friends.

No I do not think you can take the stuff or the offer back.

I think that you are not only being unreasonable, but somewhat judgemental. Sorry.

berolina · 01/05/2007 19:57

You are all keeping quite a close eye on her behaviour - don't feel got at, but I must say I find the moralising edge to your view of her buying second-hand things and of what they spend their money on a little odd.

Has she actually said they're hard up, or are you just assuming it?

Oh, and ds lives in second-hand stuff (most lent from friends), and this was especially the case as a newborn.