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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect DP not to whinge when I spend money on clothes for the kids?

134 replies

julezboo · 01/05/2007 14:28

I decided today as its a nice day I would take myself of the our nearest next shop to get the baby some summer clothes, he has one pair of shorts that fit him! Everytime I get him out of his pram/carseat hes dripping with sweat bless him.

I emailed DP first to check it was ok and didnt get a reply, so 2 hours after waiting for a reply i went off anyway (12noon) have to be back for 3 so I wanted some time to browse leisurely.

Ive come home to a horrible email off DP whinging on at me for wanting to go to next. I only spent £27 so not much!

But what gets my goat is in the last week or so he's bought 3...yes 3 xbox games, its the new xbox so roughly about £90 I didnt moan, when he asked me i said "if you want" I always do.

But im being random for wanting to buy the baby some clothes from next !! Theres not that many shops round here, we have a tescos, some crappy shops in the town centre and a sainsburys not very much variety and tbh I do often buy their clothes from tesco but I faniced a change! Im sick of either staying in the house, or going to the same places!

PS it was my tax credits i spent not as if i took his money out of the bloody bank grrr!

OP posts:
chocolattegirl · 02/05/2007 08:34

I'm with Xenia on women needing financial security for themselves. I've said more than one to my dp that I do not expect us to automatically get a joint account if/when we move in together unless it was strictly for household expenses, rent, food, bills etc and personal expenses come out of our own accounts. I just don't like the idea of tying my all money up with someone else's or them having access to my dibs (even though he earns shedloads more than I do or could ever hope to). Equally I wouldn't expect to have dibs on my partners money as once the joint h/hold expenses are paid, it's up to him what he does with the rest. It's not completely fool-proof but I'm working on it .

Fillyjonk · 02/05/2007 07:57

do agree with xenia kind of

there are 2 atguments

  1. should kids ideally have a parent (either) at home with them to, say 5
  1. should that end up with responsibility for the OTHER domestic stuff, esp when both parents home. eg shopping, cooking, cleaning
  1. Should the parent at home be the mother?

I think yes to 1 and no to the others.

chocolateteapot · 02/05/2007 07:56

Without getting in to the other bits of this thread, julezboo, I wouldn't have asked my DH. Children have to have clothes, non-negotiable, part of life. Until recently I was a SAHM for about 6 years (was about to do a Ph.D so I think there is a brain lurking in my head somewhere). I control the finances as DH is rubbish at doing so and left to his own devices we would be homeless.

He's quite happy for me to do so but if he hadn't have been then I would have expected to sit down and do them together. We budget so that there is money put aside for clothes and we both have an equal amount of money to spend on ourselves.

Anna8888 · 02/05/2007 07:52

Julezboo - children's clothes are one of life's necessities, xbox games one of life's frivolities. You shouldn't have to ask permission to buy baby clothes any more than you do to buy food or pay the electricity bill...

Anna8888 · 02/05/2007 07:49

Greensleeves - you're absolutely right, feminism shouldn't be about killing what is feminine.

Xenia is very good at alerting women to their potential economic precarity (though she is wrong to think that working full-time all the time is the only answer to this), very bad at letting women express themselves as women.

twentypence · 02/05/2007 05:52

I have been waiting to use my new fact that many women who were "gifted" children (whether labelled at the time or not) have chosen to raise children. Sorry, I have no idea why, probably so we can sit on MN and disagree with Xenia.

The OP sounds like she likes buying baby clothes - so just agree that she is not being unreasonable and stop saying it's because she doesn't work full time.

Lwatkins · 02/05/2007 00:55

I'm sorry but really am I missing something? I still don't get what's sexist about this.

Greensleeves · 02/05/2007 00:43

Hmm, I always find I can go a certain distance with Xenia's brand of "bloke-in-skirt" feminism, not caving in to the "I'm a girl, I like buying clothes" ethic etc etc - until the thought inveiably crosses my mind: 'Who is going to do it, then?' I don't like the idea of contracting out decisions on my children's dress/diet/anything else important and defining just so that I can make a point (albeit a worthy and feminist point) about what it isn't to be a woman. I don't find the idea of being disenfranchised from the nuts-and-bolts business of running my family empowering or liberating, I just think it's sad, and a terribly sad indictment of the crossed-wires and missing of the point that has characterised feminism in the last twenty years.

Choices, anyone?

MrsJohnCusack · 02/05/2007 00:23

"frivolous trivial stupid things like clothes"

don't women who have 'special jobs' () need to ensure they are dressed smartly and appropriately for the particular job? Being interested in that isn't trivial or stupid, surely?

(and look at successful fashion people, like that Tamara Mellon of Jimmy Choo. She's successful and loaded)

Lwatkins · 02/05/2007 00:11

*but - buy!

Lwatkins · 02/05/2007 00:10

Oh I think it's nice to shop for clothes if that's what you enjoy doing. Especially children's clothes. Julezboo I think your DP was a bit out of line for getting huffy with you about needing to buy your child clothing! Next time you all go out let your ds go completely starkers and see if your dp prefers that. If he gets arsy and questions why your baby is bare bollocks naked simply say 'well, it was you who didn't want me to go shopping for clothes darling. Now the baby has nothing to wear.'

Don't really get the bit about a mother needing to but her child clothing as being sexist, unless I'm missing something.....

expatinscotland · 01/05/2007 23:53

'exp, then you need to go on my brain anti sexist re-education programme and leave frivolous trivial stupid things like clothes to other people. '

No, thanks. Because I enjoy clothes. In fact, one of my two best friends at home is a fashion designer and seamstress. She's made for textiles and well-made clothes.

I find pension plans boring, and Financial Times, too.

I feel that life is hard, so why not enjoy passtimes we find agreeable?

And for me, one of those is clothes and shopping. I love to buy things for my girls and my husband and friends/family and myself.

I enjoy making rag rugs and costumes for the girls and small sewing projects.

It's fun.

If it's sexist, I don't care.

I'm here to live my life as well as I can, and so I don't feel guilty about things I find enjoyable when they harm no one.

electra · 01/05/2007 23:27

And no you are absolutely not unreasonable.

electra · 01/05/2007 23:26

He wouldn't want to be married to me!

But seriously my opinion is...he's a selfish git.

Greensleeves · 01/05/2007 23:26

Oh, priceless

"She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness."

mmmmffmmmsofuckinlutely

GeeGee2 · 01/05/2007 23:23

Since I gave up work to be a SAHM (planning to go back soon though Xenia!), I have noticed subtle differences in the family finances (other than that the figures in the bank statement are smaller and occasionally negative). DH can buy 5 hand made suits for work (only a few thousand in his wardrobe already), but if I buy a pair of jeans (my old power suits look a bit overdressed in the park), he goes very quiet and huffy.

looking forward to having my own money again and not having to justify how I spend it.

hana · 01/05/2007 22:26

think he's being quite unreasonable
but just about the money - it should be your money equally - not 'his' money and 'your' tax credits - you are equals right?

sunnysideup · 01/05/2007 22:20

If it was your money, ie the tax credits, why on earth did you ask him?

I know others have said this too. It just seems carzy to ask him. Even when I was at home all the time with the baby and dh was earning all the money, (brief period for me, I had to work after this but only very part time, 2 days a week till ds went to school) but I would never dream of asking his permission. The money was jointly ours. DH was only free to earn this money because I was making myself available to care for our child; and it was important to him that ds was cared for by me.

Therefore the money was both of ours and neither of us needed the other's permission, but we did jointly have responsibility for finances and keeping track.

Just because the mum stays home does not make it a sexist household.

But I think if you ask his permission, you are in danger of making it so.

bobsmum · 01/05/2007 22:18

For Xenia:

From a Judeo-Christian perspective obviously you're wrong. It is not immoral to like nice clothes. But maybe you're coming from a different moral standpoint in which case I apologise.

Here is an excerpt from Proverbs chapter 10.

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

10 [c] A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Purple cloth in particular would have been incredibly expensive and sought after at the time this was written. CLearly in Scripture it was important that a woman of God should dress to impress. This wife of noble character was certainly not bottom of the pile.

Kif · 01/05/2007 22:06

rofl at xenia strategy of getting dh to buy the kids clothes to demonstrate my emancipation.

Last time I sent dh out to 'pick out something nice Dd likes' he came back with a silk/chiffon Monsoon party dress that came in at over fifty quid.

It's beautiful.... but I had more in mind (correction: I expressly specified) a light cotton sundress

At least he had the sense to buy it a size up - I daren't put her in it, what with her current 'interesting rocks and twigs' fetish.

fizzbuzz · 01/05/2007 21:42

Why are clothes frivolous and futile???. The textile industry is 3rd biggest employer in England.

I worked as a fasion designer for years, and had all the trappings, car, company cards, lots of foreign travel etc, AND a very good salary BTW. I never felt "at bottom of pile", but rather above it. I was earning much more than many men I knew at that time

Women are mainly interested in clothes as the majority of women are more able to work with colour and pattern than men on the whole. A world without female interest in these things would be very drab and black and white. Also clothes are a very very significant social comment. At one point I considered doing an MA in social issues surrounding clothing.

Also in evolutionary terms, women had to attract males and keep them which is why brains are wired differently.

Read "the Mating Mind", it explains it all in there

Moguie · 01/05/2007 21:05

If any concillation my hubby is currently doing an audit of our accounts and is going through my cheque book asking what various things are for - just about to shove the laptop down his throat .....

Judy1234 · 01/05/2007 19:09

I'm quite feminine actually but I'd rather read the FT than go shopping any day. Hate shopping but I know some men and women love it - that's obviously consumerist and morally wrong but that's a different non sexist issue. I just meant any assumption mothers rather than fathers go out to buy children's clothes is a wrong initial assumption - it's the kind of day to day issue that really does matter in relationships if you're trying to achieve some equality.

PinkTulips · 01/05/2007 18:14

why ask?

i buy and tell himlater what i got and why we needed it. but then dp would never complain about kids clothes, that's more if i buy random stuff that he doesn't 'get' (household things!)

he's as bad as i am for wanting to spend money on the kids and has picked a few lovely things for them this year

Eleusis · 01/05/2007 18:10

Besides, if I do the shopping I pick the clothes. And it's all well and good let Dh wear the silly things he buys. But, sometimes, I have to be see with him and that's just not on.