To want to object when my father comes to my house and calls me an underacheiver

colditz
"the words stupid" - jesus your dad is mine.
please email me [email protected] with your address and i'll post this book to you.

i promise you'll rise above it

and take out " i know i have my faults"...youre giving him an opportunity to see you have and to say "you said so yourself", your faults are normal natural and dont beat yourself up about them.
youre a good person.

colditz
whos life are you living
self esteem
myself my partner

all v good.

its seem s so unlogical to thin that there is a pattern to this type of behaviour but there in a sense is.
what you need is to recognize it, recognize your needs out of the realtionship, put to bed the shitty stuff and tell him so, and how u can deal with his behaviour in the future so you dont cry basically

i've cried. and hopefully i wont in the future but i look at my kids and wonder why / how can someone be so ungenerous at time (like you i got a handbag home from paris recently - like the chicken pie) in the spirit (i'm using that word to describe a way of being - i'm not relgigous nor is my fahter at all) to me and mine

Colditz

From what you have posted on here in the past I would have no hesitation in telling him that whilst the base ingredients may well have been right - no amount of quality ingredients is going to overcome the problem that the fucking chef is a bullying abusive arsehole, who couldn;t raise a child if his whole life depended on it!

Go on - tell him it like it really is. Yell him to get angry with the right person - him not YOU!

Colditz, that's AWFUL, you poor thing don't know what to say really {{hugs}} to you.

Friend of mine who is in therapy recommends mind mapping...

I think the only way to deal with this kind of crap (and I'm not an expert, just going through it) is to start accepting that as much as you love them, people who do this actually aren't very nice in several respects.

This often then leads to a sense of loss (of your idealised parent) and grief.

We all have to deal with familial reality and the change from what we thought was perfection to a more realistic view but with some parents this means accepting some major flaws.

Until this kind of acceptance can be reached then we stay feeling bad about ourselves and like we could change ourselves in some way. Knowing deep down that we can't leads to anger and so one has a horrible mix of resentment, anger and guilt.

Very confusing and upsetting...

I also find that this can be more about the parent's need for control above all else - that is where high expectations often come from and so the chicken dinner paves the way for some heavy manioulation through guilt.

All controlling individuals are, I think, acutely aware of how little control they have and so they continually try to rewrite the past in a tormented and vain attempt to achieve perfection in their lives.

How miserable to bear the brunt of that.

X post with boco!

colditz, yanbu.. write it all down for him - tell him some of the things you have said on this thread. Write about how hurt you feel, do it now and then reread it tomorrow, and either send it to him, or rewrite it. If he won't listen he can at least do you the courtesy of reading (and hopefully starting to understand) how you feel.

Could you try writing to him if he won't discuss it? Let him know how much the things he says hurt and upset you.

I had such a similar thing with my dad. He thinks i'm an underacheiver because i did well at school and university, but never earned much money as i worked in the public sector then a sahm, and am now self employed and earning not much. He always tells me where he'd expected / hoped i'd be. He always compares me to his very well off private school educated step-kids. There's nothing more hurtful than a disinterested / disappointed parent. Tell him, but in a way that means he has to listen and can't leg it, like a letter or email

hes wants to live out his dreams through you, which jsut isnt gunna happen, esp as hes basically asking you to change the past. it cannot be done, some day he must come to realise this

here

i am not one for these "lifestyle" change your life books ,and this isnt in that category at all. this guy writes in the irish times (national irish paper ) and is highly credited for his insights . its far more physocial than that but v intutitive.

You know he's wrong but it fecking hurts doesn't it?

x

Both my parents do this to me. My mother does a nice line in 'what did I do wrong, this shouldn't be happening@ guilt inducement.

Sympathies.

colditz you are not a loser, i have read your posts since i became a member on here and you make an awful lot of sense and seem to be a loving caring mother who does the best you can do. which is what all of us are asiping to. please dont let this get you down!

colditz i'm going to find this book for you

Do you think that its actually his underacheiving thats making him say these things. How can he be better than everyone else? What a tosser!

oh god colditz this could be me
and i've posted awhile back on my father.
v difficult
talk it over with your partner or best friend and move one step away and decide what u want with him from him. lower your expectation if necessary and find a n other outlet for what you expect.

a great book i had was by an irish guy tony humphries on families.
clearly identifies the traits of so many and helps you negotiate them so you feel 100% intact and proud.

might be on amazon

not considering anything, you made your bed, you've laid in it, you have a good life. is there any chance of sitting him down one day and making him listen to your side?