To want to object when my father comes to my house and calls me an underacheiver

I think your letter is basically agreeing with his character assassination of you.
There isnt a correct level of achievement, and you dont exist on this earth to impress or validate his ego as a parent.

I think that id turn it back on him. Tell him "yeah, I blame the parents" or "gosh, you must feel so disappointed in your feckless daughter. Have you considered getting therapy to get past it"

just read the thread. Good ending.

Did you send the letter?

get the simpsons spirit

under-achiever and proud of it

Wow Colditz, result! (and good on his girlfriend )

lol at the mental musings aloud - it's the sort of thing men, 4 year olds and old people do

you're not alone having a father that doesn't listen and can't discuss. I have one, i think he's said well done to me once! i don't have a father/daughter relationship with him, he doesn't know how to and he's not interested. he's been in my house four times in six years and my children only see him if i take them into his business.
my mother i find is very judgmental and i finbe it hard to want to make much contact with her and let her know about the children

i do have a (most of the time) good DH so perhaps it makes it easier for me to come to terms with the fact i am much happier keeping my parents at arms length and accepting that is how they are and i can't change them. i look at my children and decide i will try my damnist not to repeat my parent relationships with them.

Father /daughter relationships are important to girls so i know how it feels to not feel loved/listened to/appreciated by your father as much as you want to be. my father did not come to my wedding and in the following 6 years he has never explained why. i am now also having to come to terms with the fact he did something which has sickened and saddend (nothing illegal!) but his reasoning just does not make it acceptable. he's let down me, my siblintgs and my children with one act that he did not see had consequences. he will never discuss it and never wish to see my view.
anyway what i am trying to show is very few families have perfect relationships and you just have to try and improve on what you experienced for you parenting your children

there is a saying you can't teach old dogs new tricks. just love yourself and your children and too hell with what he says.

What would he have liked you to do? Doing well at school isn't necessary to "achieve" things, whatever achievement means.

colditz - one thing that strikes me out of all this (on top of what everyone else here says, which I echo whole-heartedly) is that it seems as if your dad has a very static view on the life off his off spring. from what I can gather (and I'm piecing things together here) you're in your mid-late 20s, you had kids (possibly earlier than he expected?) and you missed out a bit on education. and somehow your dad seems to be writing you off two things: 1. there's nothing under-achieving about bringing up happy kids; and if you're managing that on benefits then that's more credit to you not less. 2. it ain't over til the fat lady sings. he should stop dwelling on the past (news flash: you can;t change the past) and support you in your future of which there's actually quite a lot.

I feel upset and angry on your behalf colditz. you show a lot of good grace in your letter. Your dad needs to realise he's lucky to have you.

colditz
i have to reiterate you need to deicede yourself for yourself what you need from the relationship now
and step away from the memories be they good or bad.
i reallly think if u do that you will be stronger and in ab better position to handle him whenever he comes knocking. it has to be on your terms.

I really think you need to give yourself permission to stand up to his abusiveness.

This is because you have been undermined by him for yonks, no?

Think of it as doing him a favour - you are showing him how to be a nicer person so not hurting him at all!

Don't think you need to send it though.

My mum has done this to me for years. I believed her, and it has affected how I do at work, my relationships and my self-esteem. She lost it completely and didn't know how to react when I turned it back on her a couple of years ago and said she really needed help to work out why she was so bitter and unhappy about her own life that she had to take it out on others.
I find it helps to depersonalise it - what would you say to someone who told you their father had just spoken to them like that?
I wouldn't send the letter. Just be guided by how you felt when you wrote it.

you don't necessarily need to send it. Writing it is carthartic, and hopefully good.

I would send it

I think it's a good, dignified letter and actually quite kind considering what he said to you

I hope you feel better for writing it, anyway. You are more emotionally articulate than he is.

Why don't you send it?

It might do your dad good to think before he makes stupid hurtful comments, it might help you both

great letter, Colditz! Agree with nlnn about not apologising...you have nothing to be sorry for.

colditz
"expectation and dissappointment"

your children and partner now are the only ones you need to perform too. you have to step away and he has to be made aware that you are STEPPING away from that "e & d"

you are so very very happy to have a realtionship on the XXX following terms

and you state them clearly and loudly.

you are too busy to have to physcological dela with this

Good letter.

Wouldn't start with an apology though. Your bravery is there but the victim that he has made you seeps through a little.

If I were you I'd write a letter setting out the conditions of your future relationship - your 'bottom lines' and do very little explaining or justification of yourself.

Colditz i think that letter is brilliant