TO not want to spend my wedding anniversary with my IL's?

Go for a nice family lunch with your DH and children and tell your inlaws to get stuffed.

Don't get talked into giving her money. She needs to take responsibiliy for her own life. I can't believe you are even considering this, unless you are multi millionaires
None of us can see into the future; you and your DH should plan to make things secure for you two and DCs. There's university etc to think about, for a start. I could understand if it was a DD or DS but even then I think you would need to have LOADS of disposable income.
And don't go to lunch!!

Families do help each other, and I'm sure if she had got herself into a situation where she couldn't cope then you would help as a one off. To deliberately take on more than she can afford on the understanding you'll help indefinitely (permanently?) is incredibly presumptuous!! She's taking the p$ss!

"Long walk on a short pier"

Your mother in law needs to take a long walk off a short pier, taking her daughter with her.

What is it with these women?!

Your sister in law should either buy on her own or make do with renting like the vast majority of other people in the country.

Your husband should work only to support himself and his family, and since he married you and had kids, that means you and those kids. If his mother can;t understand this then she has issues.

I can't believe how often I type stuff like this. Maybe I should write a course and get families to send me their mental in laws to be re-educated in the real way of the3 world?

agnes

God, I really feel for you on this one COV.

SIL sounds like a nightmare and MIL is letting her get away with it.

They need to wise up, no wonder she is fliting from job to job when she knows they will clear up her mess.

Bugger the lot of them. Put your foot down, go for a lovely meal on Sunday with your family and enjoy your anniversary.

COV, you are are definatley in the right on this one -- both issues. 1- MIL changed her plans and so you are no longer obligated to show up on YOUR anniversary. and 2- DO NOT give SIL money every month. Where will that one end? You will grow to resent your DH every time you want to give your own kids something. How many months of mortgage payment unitl you realise you could have givine your kids a privvate education.

No no no. Stand your ground and tell your DH he better stand up for you. I would be very mad at him if he didn't.

On a separate note, I could probably manage a babysitting swap if you want. You know your kids come to my house on your anniversary weekend. And you get mine one weekend. My DD and your DD would have a grand time.

I wouldn't lend her money at all personally but that's my take on it. IMO she shouldn't be buying if she can't afford it on her own bat - after all, that is what a mortgage is for! To assist people by putting a lump sum up front for them to buy a property with. To be helped with the repayments suggests to me that the whole venture is risky - esp as she hasn't got a full-time job.

Families do help each other so if your DH wants to help her then he needs to get his share noted now as either a charge over the property or a % share as Grrrr and Appledumpling both said. I presume that had the situations been reversed then SIL would helped you and DH in a similar way?

I gathered from your post that this was the MIL's plan but if could you not get her to understand that if you use a lump sum as a deposit then the SIL's monthly mortgage repayments will be smaller so it amounts to the same thing really (but gets you a stake in the property so it isn't money down the drain). You could perhaps say that it would make her seem more independent, not having to ask for a contribution each month and not being at the mercy of whether your husband loses his job and can't keep making the monthly contributions. She can effectively forget about the loan until such time as she ever comes to sell the property.

You could play on the fact that it adds pressure to your lives to be responsible for two mortgage contributions and waht would happen to her daughter if you dh did lose his job, she might lose her home. "Oh no, much more security for all if we do it our way".

Is the SIL likely to marry/ have kids of her own in the future, when will the monthly mortgage contributions ever stop ?

But you are still contributing to the property and if she defaults and the lender repossesses or she gets married then has a messy divorce you lose everything you have put in.

As Grrr so rightly says, if you already have a mortgage you are borrowing and paying interest but are then being expected to give that money away which makes no sense.

My brother is loaded (really loaded) and we don't expect him to pay for anything. It's just the way of the world, some people have more than others. And some people have worked flipping hard for what they have.

You could fob her off for a while on the property thing by referring to newspaper articles speculating that the property market is headed for a serious re-adjustment (crash), bad time to buy ?

If you put yours and dh's money into a deposit for SIL, make sure that you are legally acknowledged as having a claim against any sale proceeds in just the same way as any mortgage lender would do. This avoids any ambiguity and feuding later when the IL's are perhaps no longer alive or SIL has married a bad'un, subsequantly divorced and her crap husband is seeking to take half of the equity!

It may seem harsh but she either takes the money from you on your terms or not at all. You would after all, be helping her out and it would be very rude/ignorant of her to dictate other terms when she is after all the borrower.

If you have your own mortgage, you are effectively giving her money that you are paying to borrow. The fact that this is unclear to so many people in family loan situations never fails to amaze me. Who in their right minds borrows at 6% to lend to someone else interest free or is it different because it's family ?

Oh yes the property...well I wouldn't buy either now if I couldn't comfortably afford it. What about a lodger though as Appledumpling said.

Real cheek, presuming your dh will just cough up.

I wouldn't go either, but if you think it would keep the peace as well as making you whiter than white, just say " Well don't worry about the children. We've managed to sort out babysitting. We'll have to rearrange the lunch obviously, especially as xxx will be with you that weekend. How about (name a more distant couple of dates). We can come to you as originally planned or you can come to us ".

How on earth can she reasonably quarrel about that ?

Your SIL needs to think really carefully before taking on a mortgage if she thinks she needs help to pay it. Just because lenders like the Halifax will loan 6x salary doesn't make borrowing a huge sum of money a good idea. Hence if DH did shell out any of your hard earned cash I would really like him to do it in a way that protects him.

Legalities aside, I personally don't see why you should help her out and I certainly don't see why she should expect it.

Why doesn't she get a lodger instead?

With the mortgage your SIL should make the mortgage company and her solicitor aware that she will be having assistance. Your DH should then be asked to sign a declaration stating he is not bankrupt/aware of any pending debt issues.

He should be advised to take independent legal advice as the mortgage company may want him formally made a guarantor on the mortgage which would leave him financially liable or even that he owns the property jointly with SIL so the mortgage is in joint names.

Or he could make SIL a loan to help her buy and put a charge over the property which would protect him in the event of SIL defaulting.

Or he could own it jointly with her (would mean joint mortgage though) and they could sign a declaration of trust which would state their respective shares in the property. He would still be liable in that case but on the plus side he would also get his share in the property back if/when it is sold which in these days of rising house prices is not a bad thing.

Hope that makes sense, I had 3 hrs sleep last night and my brain cell is feeling frazzled.

I think my plan is a compromise - if you don't go at all won't it cause a row with dh? The very last thing you want on your anniversary is a row!

Just tel her to piss off re the mortgage thing and don'y goon sunday either..if you do go you'll only harbour feelings of resentment...

COV - my plan is really very good, it wasn't our anniversary but we did something like it once (upon a time.....) and we have never forgotten it though we did forget to take the picnic so went to a nearby pub for lunch .