TO not want to spend my wedding anniversary with my IL's?

Hallo COV, have just caught up on your thread and see that it involves far more than just an anniversary date!

I agree with the other's advice. Yes, families help each other out, but your MIL seems to be asking far more than the norm and it's interesting that it's coming from her and not your SIL. Is she still unaware of this plan?

My parents helped me buy my first flat when I was 30 and then, due to unforseen circs, they offered a small loan to help us buy our present house - but it was THEIR money and THEIR choice. I would do the same for my dd if necessary - and if I could afford it. And having had this help, all further expenses and payments are my responsibility alone. However, I would never have dreamed of asking for anything from my sister, even though she and BIL are better off in bigger house, better area etc. For your MIL to suggest this is outrageous, and particularly to suggest a regular payment, an outright gift rather than a loan.

It seems that she's a very controlling woman, who can't face the fact that she has adult children who should (and in your dh's case do,) stand on their own feet. Your SIL is a graduate of one of the best unis in the country and should be forced to grow up. She obviously has a personality that has fed on her mother's possessiveness. Of course, your MIL will blame you if her ds stands up to her - because he's still her little boy who should be obeying HER whims - not a man with a wife and children and responsibilities of his own. OOh, it makes me want to spit - but I think you will have to risk taking this blame or you will resent him giving in to this power-mad 'lady' - as her own poor husband has already done all their married life, no doubt, for a quiet life! Time your husband told his mother that he's got his own family to look after - and if SIL can't afford to pay her mortgage, she'd better downgrade her property ambitions. Can't she find a one-bed flat as a starter home, just as the rest of us have? (I suppose she needs a 2-bed flat so she'll always have a spare room for Mother .

Have you had your talk with dh yet? And stand firm for your weekend, too. Good luck.

Me, one of the best things about my divorce was knowing I need never see my MIL again! Dp's mother is so much nicer.

I thank you madam

Peahead, your post is spot on!

am stunne dbyt his why dos sil nto cut her cloth acc to etc tec

COV,we had the same position, with FIL asking us to hand over all our savings to help them redecorate a house that was to be left to SIL.

We in the meantime live in a 2 bed flat and had just had a baby. DH said no, and FIL was cold for about two months and then one day, acted as if everything was totally normal. HE still grumbles occassionally about 'doing everything himself' but we just pretend we don't understand what's going on.

I do think people ask all sorts of things, but if you just say no in the cheeriest, no nonsense way possible, it won't destroy your family.

COV I must confess I'd assumed your sil was perhaps not the brightest bulb in the box, given her inability to sort herself out. But you say she has an Oxford 1st and other qualifications. Frankly I'm baffled, given that level of ability, that she hasn't so far grabbed some kind of financial lifeline for herself. Maybe not her dream career or a mega successful business or whatever, but at least something to keep herself ticking along.

Everyone agrees it's down to your dh to sort this so that the very reasonable double "no" to the lunch/mortgage questions is said firmly, politely, and in a way that brooks absolutely no further discussion whatsoever.

CoV the absolute bottom line is that you have a DH who hasn't learnt how to say no.

That's all he needs to say.

No. We aren't going to lunch, we have made other plans, yes its a pity, never mind, lets reschedule. No further discussion.

No. I am not going to make monthly payments to my sister to enable her to buy a flat. I'm sorry you are disappointed. No further discussion.

Your DH is being a wimp in this. His mother, her outrageous suggestions, he should say no and not put you in the position of being the "nasty" DIL

Tell him to shape up.

Sorry but helping out family is one thing, supporting someone who sounds fairly lazy imo is another situation all together. If SIL can't afford to buy, then she doesn't buy. She gets her arse out the door to work, saves like mad and then see's if she can afford to get on the property market. If you don't have, you don't get as I think someone else has said.

It is not up to you and you husband to support this woman and shame on your MIL for putting this pressure on both of you, that's disgusting. If she wants to help out her daughter then fine, but she should NEVER expect you to help 'because that's what family is for'. What a crck of s*t! I love my family to bits and would always try to help out as much as I could if I thought they were in trouble, but it would be on my terms. My idea of helping out this SIL would be to buy her a couch, or a microwave for her new place. Even these are pretty big items, but better than paying her mortgage for her! Ridiculous!

so..are you going there for lunch?

COV, the financial assistance to the sister thing is outrageous. Of course families do sometimes help out financially, but that fact that your MIL is involving you and your dh is just so unbelievable, and expecting you to contribute monthly is just

If this were me I would offer a small lump sum (if I had it!) as a gift to the SIL. Then nobody can say you didn't help.

You and your DH don't need to explain or justify your decision - just do what you want, whether it's offering a small amount as a one off or offering nothing!

What a family!

So are you going to lunch or not?

Thank God you moved.

Scary SIL & MIL you have there COV!

I would never "gift" (even with the various suggestions already made of ring-fencing that sum somehow) large sums of money to a close relative unless I could truly afford to say goodbye to that money - either permanently, or for an indefinite period of time.

That'd mean that I'd have to have such huge savings that the disppearance of said amount would have no impact upon me & my immediate family, even if all sorts of unforseen circumstances befell us. Not many people are in such a secure position. You can never tell what's round the corner, and MIL needs to be told very firmly that you will not be able to "help".

Unless she has access to all your accounts & payslips, she cannot possibly know what your household income is, what your liabilities are, or indeed what plans you have for the future, and I think it's appalling that she should pressurise DP to do such a thing, based, presumably, on assumptions about your "wealth" gleaned (probably) from what she thinks he earns, what car he drives or what sort of house you live in. After all, if DP was able, and more importantly, wanted to help his sister, he wouldn't wait until he was asked would he !

Even assuming that he could literally "throw" a sum away, irrespective of what the future might bring (illness, accident, redundancy etc) I would not consider "helping" someone unless they themselves had already done everything possible to help themselves. This SIL must be in her late 20s, early 30s (??) and has only just got her first job ..... and it's part time !!! Okay ..... I know that even with "good" jobs, it's damn difficult to buy these days, but she has basically dossed about for 10 years by the sounds of it and isn't making any effort to improve her buying position by maximising her income opportunities. If that's her attitude, what would happen once (if) DH gets involved and she's then made redundant, or sacked, ..... would MIL then pressure DP to pick up the slack again ?

COV, I think you need to be very firm with DH over this if he's at all wavering. If he goes ahead, the resentment you'd feel - even if, at the moment, you could nominally "afford" to "help" - at paying out for a lazy scrounger (well, she is isn't she ?) could seriously affect your own relationship. I also suspect you'd feel furious at MIL, and at DH's rolling over at her command .... and that wouldn't be healthy for anyone.

ComeOVeneer, if your DH feels guilty about not helping out his sister could you arrrange to see a lawyer for a chat about the situation? My MIL asked dh and I to act as guarantors on her mortgage to buy her council house. We had literally just bought our first house at the time and were really stretched. I spoke to a lawyer in a casual chat way and he said "don't touch the situation with a barge pole" basically. It was really helpful to have firm reasons for saying no. (Like the fact that if she defaulted we would have to pay 2 mortgages and therefore probably lose our own home etc). Don't know if this would help your situation but a specialist would at least be able to help you see all the angles...
I think that at your SIL's age she should have her life sorted already and if she hasn't that is not your dh's problem. Presumably they both got the same start in life?! My own sister is a lot better off than me but she is driven whilst I am one of lifes "coasters" . I've never resented her for being richer and would never expect her to help me out...

I love the way this mortgage helping is MIL's suggestion. Bloody cheek. I remember when my MIL came round and saw we had lots of tapes (it was a while ago) and suggested we give some of them to SIL because she didn't have many!! (She earns twice what we do) Tell MIL you will NOT be subsidising her DDs mortgage.

The restaurant thing is more tricky, because DH obviously doesn't feel that spending his anniversary with his mother is a problem. (Am feeling touchy on this subject 'cos its my 14th WA today and he didn't get me anything - no flowers/chocs/card. His excuse was that he had someone in the car with him, so couldn't stop at the petrol station to buy flowers. Presumably the someone had him at gunpoint, tied up or something.) Anyway, I digress... it seems to me that you have to convince DH that a trip to his mums' on that day is not in his best interests!

jeepers cov, you are so not being unreasonable. your mil makes mine look positively saintly (and that's the first time i've ever thought that).
Definately don't go for lunch - obviously you were only staying for lunch as collecting the children, and five hours driving in 1 day just for a lunch, madness as well as tough on your dk's.
as for sil - words fail me, the answer is no, has to be because you will really resent this big time, and those who have pointed out potential market crash/mortgage raise or so right.

helping out someone is a gift not an expectation, and quite frankly i would have thought that a generous step up may have been something like a bed/ bedding,, or a reasonably priced household item,,
you need yuor cash for your family and commitments regardless of yuor earning power, not for some ungrateful wench. Spend sunday on your own too, unbelievable!!!!

NO way should she have your money it would be different if she worked hard and wasn't getting anywhere but she sounds lazy why should you give away what is by rights your children's future money!

COV DON'T give her any money, especially as mil is angling for it to be monthly.

Dh married youngish with a joint inheritance of...

....a student loan each ! We were beyond skint and not from wealthy families - though grateful for any little assistance that came our way, eg the odd bit of furniture from a neighbour moving, a little cash from my parents. We didn't have a car for ages, rented a dingy 1 bed flat AND WORKED OUR ARSES OFF to be able to afford more. Our first bought flat wasn't great, but we soldiered on and are now relatively property rich though cash poor at times like everyone else.

We would never have expected that level of financial commitmment from even very close family members.

If you can't afford, then you can't have. Though if you and dh decided you could find a lump sum towards a deposit, you could get a local solicitor probably quite cheaply to draw up documentation in support of this, giving you a return on your investment should any profit be made in the future.

But personally I'd walk away. I know nothing about your area to say whether or not the apartment is a future goldmine or not. Probably a very long term investment if already kitted out to the hilt, as opposed to say a dingy flat in a good area which she could renovate for a more reliable return.

As for paying your SIL morgage , tell her to get stuffed too.
If your DH has a good wage put the money aside for your children not his sister.