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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TO not want to spend my wedding anniversary with my IL's?

89 replies

ComeOVeneer · 23/04/2007 14:19

The plan was that the children stay at Il's on Saturday night so dh and I can go out for dinner and have a lie in the next morning then head over there for lunch on the Sunday and pick kids up. The Sunday being our actual wedding anniversary. Now SIL who still lives at home has decided to invite a friend to stay for the week-end (after our plans were made) this means there is now nowhere for the kids to sleep. MIL has decided to back SIL plans over her son and family, even though it means she won't get to have her grand children. We will get a baby sitter so will still go out on Saturday, just no lie in on Sunday. Anyway we were over their for lunch yesterday at it appears MIL still expects us to drive up for lunch on Sunday. If she isn't having the children I don't really want to go there on my anniversary to have lunch. I wanted to go somewhere with dh and the kids for a nice lunch, just the 4 of us. DH is torn as he doesn't want to upset his mum and says "well we did already say we would come". AIBU to not want to go? SHe pulled out of her plans, so why can't we?

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PrincessPeaHead · 25/04/2007 19:52

brilliant well done your DH. And equally well done your FIL, that was good of him to phone and support you

must be difficult for DH to know that his MIL is such a witch at times.

sunnysideup · 25/04/2007 19:19

yes, well done to you both: and mr COV certainly deserves a medal for standing up to his bizarre mother.

Happy anniversary!

Stigaloid · 25/04/2007 17:05

I think your DH has done a great thing in standing up to your MIL. Am sorry he feels so hurt by her obvious favourtism for SIL but hopefully this will help him side with you more often in future and be more willing to stand up to MIL.

FIL clearly has a better view of the pic and it is definitely unfair of MIL to expect you and your family to support SIL when she hasn't supported herself, despite all her opportunities.

Well done to you both and have a wonderful anniversary

marieg76 · 25/04/2007 17:02

Well done to Mr. COV - very decent of him to make a stand. I totally understand the evil DIL bit (my DH has sisters alot older than him so they are kind of MIL's) apparently, ever since DH has been with me, he's been miserable so their conclusion was that I make him miserable. Given that he proposed to me (totally unexpectedly) after living together for 8 years and the fact that we are having a baby together kind of suggests otherwise

Earthymama · 25/04/2007 16:27

Tell Mr COV that MNers think he is fab and very brave, it's really hard to stand up to someone who has been manipulating you for all your life. He should try to read a bit around family relationships and will be vindicated.
And I'm sure you will make him glad that he stood by you!!

Tanee58 · 25/04/2007 16:21

Well done your dh - and your mother's reaction just proves she has HUGE issues with letting her children grow up and make their own decisions. What's her relationship with your FIL like? It sounds like she's a sad person who only feels valid if she's controlling everyone in sight. I'm sure your dh realises this and although she's cast him as 'bad son' and you're the DIL From Hell, she'll get over it and find something else to complain about. Good on your FIL too - what a life he must lead!

champs · 25/04/2007 16:18

poor dh, give him lots of love.

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 25/04/2007 15:30

Thanks ELe, we have a babysitter lined up. DH won't cave in and change his mind but he is really hurt at the way she reacted. He said to me he alawys knew she favoured SIL over him a bit, but used to put it down to mother/daughter relationship but this has really thrown him.

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champs · 25/04/2007 15:19

glad your dh stood up to your MIL!! was worried as i read the thread that he may cave in.

Bless your FIL too!! sounds like there's some resentment (to put it mildly)on your MIL side towards you. you must be very relieved that dh stood firm.

have a wonderful anniversary dinner... and lunch

Eleusis · 25/04/2007 14:51

You could change your phone number and not tell her. What an absolute witch. Enjoy the peace of not talking to her while sh is mad.

Now, that anniversary dinner.... have you got a babysitter? I can probably round one up for you if you don't.

LilRedWG · 25/04/2007 14:35

On the bright side - at least you've got out of spending your anniversary with her

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 25/04/2007 14:34

My DH is always trying to be the diplomat, so just said that as a married couple it is obviously both our money, and left it at that.

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LilRedWG · 25/04/2007 14:33

for you COV. Poor DH, poor FIL and poor you!

mumto3girls · 25/04/2007 14:32

How strange then that it's MIL who is going mad about your DH not contributing towards her leaving...?

She sounds a little deranged and more than a little jealous of the relationship you have with your DH.

I hope your DH reminded her about the facts finacially whilst she was slagging you off??

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 25/04/2007 14:30

The other thing she said to dh on the phone ois that if I had anything to do with the decision I had no right as it is "dh's money" seeing as I don't work . I became a SAHM at the end of last year, prior to that I earnt plenty, paid the deposit on our first flat, financed our wedding single handedly and supported dh through law school.

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Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 25/04/2007 14:28

mumto3girls, FIL wants her to move out where as MIL totally doesn't. SHe keeps coming up with reasons/obstacles why she shouldn't.

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PetitFilou1 · 25/04/2007 14:26

Good on your dh for standing up to her. Your anniversary, you do what you want. Your money, you do what you want!

I have two sisters, both of whom I love dearly, one of whom is a financial nightmare. She has had £50,000 off my mother over the last ten years. I love her but I'm b*ggered if I'm supporting her - part of the problem is that she is always bailed out and has never had to deal with the fact that she always gets herself into debt. She now has her own ds and a mortgage and finally, at the age of 33, seems to be sorting herself out. In a life or death situation, yes I would be there to help in a flash but otherwise, well, people have to grow up sometime don't they.......

mumto3girls · 25/04/2007 14:26

Do you think that's a reason why they want SIL to move out?

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 25/04/2007 14:25

I couldn't care less what she thinks of me, it is DH I feel sorry for. SHe put him in a horrible position and he now feels rotten for saying No. At least fil is on our side. It wouldn't surprise me if one day I open the door to finf FIL, suitcase in hand wanting to come and live with us . I think he finds it tough living with the MIL
/SIL duo sometimes.

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RedFraggle · 25/04/2007 14:23

Ah the old chestnut of evil DIL putting fantastic son up to things! Don't you just love how these mothers can't believe their own adult sons could make a decision they disagree with?!
At least it has been said now and you all know where you stand. Sounds like your FIL is a pretty reasonable person and I'm sure it will all blow over soon.
I too am an evil DIL who forces her husband to make statements he totally disagrees with to his Mother - can't say I let it worry me - she's not my mum...

dmo · 25/04/2007 14:20

keep the plans as they are to go over to il on sunday but then phone them (just as she puts the dinner in the oven ) and pull a sickie saying you must have ate something bad sat night and you and dh are feeling off
then bugger off the 4 of you for a lovely family meal without the ils

mumto3girls · 25/04/2007 14:18

Aww Comeonveneer..thats a shame that she took that stance, but sooo well done of your DH.

To be honest she sounds like an awful lady, but perhaps this will make things easier for you in a way if you see less of her as a result.

It sounds like she had issues about you anyway?

Porcupine · 25/04/2007 14:14

we love ya cov

Original poster
ComeOVeneer · 25/04/2007 14:13

Well DH phoned MIL this morning and said we won't be helping out with the mortage as we need to save for the future, what with possibly having to pay for schooling/uni in the future, and other things involving the future of our 2 children, plus until dh makes partnership there is no gaurentee of job security beyond 3-5 years. Her response is that he is ungrateful and selfish for not helping family out after everything that has been done for him, and she is sure I put him up to it. I have apparently poisened him against his family and she "won't forget this in a hurry". Didn't even get onto the topic of lunch as she hung up. DH phoned me really upset. Then he phoned about half an hour later to say FIL had phoned him to say it is all fine (in his eyes, he apparently told mil not to ask us for money in the first place) - MIL had phoned him after speaking to DH, and he was going to "deal with MIL". It is a shame he is so lovely and she is the opposite .

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Tanee58 · 25/04/2007 14:08

Sorry about the typos - my spelling and punctuation gave under the indignation I feel on your behalf

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