hubby's work...... Warning - A Long Rant!

It makes me really sad to think of your ds and your dh missing out on having a relationship. For me one of the great, great joys of parenthood has been watching the unique and special relationship ds has with his dad.

As he gets older your ds will need his dad more and more. He will need to see that being a dad is not just about bringing money in but about helping your child reach their potential by being with them.

I am sorry not to have specific advice for you but I just wanted to post that you're right, this issue is really really important to your ds (and you!) and it is worth you trying to sort it out for the future.

Perhaps you could take a long term approach; your ds is very young and as I think Steve Biddulph said in 'raising boys' babies can pretty happily 'belong' to mum in the early years......but as they near 6 yrs old they want and need their dad or a very strong male role model....perhaps make an agreement that if your dh pursues this career, it is with an intention that in five or six years he'd be in a position to choose his hours more.

If he's worked this hard for that many years and isn't in that position in five years then it sounds a crap job to be perfectly honest!!!!

For the immediate time, perhaps you can literally diary in one weekend in three, say, where your dh is unable to accept work. He could say to his work that you are not at home that weekend due to your own commitments.

on the other hand...dh has always had a laid back attitude to work - he was good at his job and did well, but never saw the point of face time at the office. but when ds was born, he suddenly went manic and worked crazy hours, because he was convinced that he now had to provide for everything, and think of things like school fees. He calmed down eventually and is now back to working in his normal hard working, sincere way. The time he worked like crazy was the time his career made the least progress.

my dp works late every night, you do get used to it, it just seems to be the way it is now

so if they won't get better, why is he taking it? work is meant to support you and your children. Its not meant to make life worse.

My DH works all hours when he has to. TBH it doesn't bother me, I know he's just doing his job trying to support us and my decision to stay at home.

I do think an ulitmatum is unfair. Do you depend on his income or are you planning on returning to work?

My DH started working harder and going for promotions after we started a family as he felt the need to strive for things. I think its great that your husband has a good work ethic and its a little unfair to be demanding he be home at a certain time all the time. Surely a compromise of 1-2 evenings a week and most of Sunday would be a fairier thing to ask of him? Don't pressure him too much - if he's got a demanding job and a demanding wife he'll be heading for disaster years down the line.

Do you want him at home to spend time with him or to help with the baby? If the latter hten one answer with the extra money he earns is you have a babysitter 2 nights a week and you go out with your friends so at least yiu aren't doing the bedtime routine etc every night on your own which is veryunfair.

You've put all your eggs into one basket by not working so I don't suppose you have much choice now. Just reading this... "What's the longest you've worked without sleep. I once arrived in hte office at 8am on Monday orning and didn't leave until 11pom on the Friday night; we worked right throuhg, but it was good fun in hindsight adn I made some very close friends as a result of that deal". Some jobs are just like that and you make that choice when you choose that job.

Think an ultimatum is a little unfair, as I assume a benefit of the promotion is more money to support you all. Can you pay for some extra help and do something yourself - go back to work, or even just get some help with the baby, so you aren't taking on all yourself. I think in a lot of careers, you have to go for promotion or you can't really progress, but there is no reason you should feel trapped because of it.

Tbh, I can see Xenia's point.

Why does he want the promotion? Money? Kudos? Interest? I think you need to talk about it. Do you have shared financial goals?

My answer would be go back to full time work yourself to achieve fairness in your marriage but I doubt anyone else would agree and make him in charge of arranging childcare if he wants to work those hours. You are not his domestic slave.

Perhaps instead of being so quick to suggest me or the job, you could suggest chatting about what you'd like him NOT to do and work out when he won't work (eg all day saturday and sunday morning or something). If you've decided on parameters, everyone knows where they stand and your husband won't feel guilty when he does do work at home as it will be in his alloted time, when you and DS can be doing something else. Could he not look for other jobs in the area where you are now or is that not an option?