hubby's work...... Warning - A Long Rant!

Well, I have just negociated with my dh over a new job, which will involve more time away but more money, and therefore more childcare for dd while I'm studying.

Then he dropped a bit of a bombshell by saying he would then take a year off after this contract so I could study full time. I'll wait and see if he's still keen nearer the time...

Also does he enjoy job? Although my DH works long hours he LOVES his job - I think having a happy husband is worth a lot (even if we don't see him as much as we'd like!).

I agree with others - Dads often prefer older babies/children

Would he stop her going after a promotion which would mean the same hours I wonder?
Do you give up power in a relationship when you don't earn money? Could she negotiate with him better over this if she earned more than he does? Or does love conquer all?

I think ATM it's about how rabster feels with her dh working long hours. The baby doesn't notice. Like I said, the work-life balance thing will probably become clearer as the child gets older. It certainly did for my dh.

But - he really wants the promotion. He loves his job. He's proud of what he's achieved to get where he is. Giving him an ultimatum seems unfair. But there's certainly a lot to talk about.

Dh and I have just had a similar chat about possible new career moves. In his last job, my dh was fedup and disillusioned to the point where it seriously affected our family life. In the end he had to leave. I do understand where rabster is coming from, but I understand her dh's desire to progress as well.

..and perhaps some women hneed to marry "beta men" who prefer to be home early every day and earn less. YOu need to choose with care.

Plenty of women and men stay late at the office to avoid a nagging other half, house in disarray, screaming children and aim to arrive just after the children fall asleep. I've seen that pattern in offices throughout the land for the last 20 years. Some people prefer work to being with their families. I often do. I find small children difficult and work very rewarding. That is not a problem if your other half is content too.

K sounds wise to get back into work before 40 otherwise you can see husband enjoying wonderful very rewarding career and more time in it because it's fun and exciting and rewarding and mother stuck at home resentful and as the years go by losing any chance to have similar career excitement and advancement and she she does try to get back to work it's too late

Hi rabster

I am also having this issue with husband. his job is V demanding and involves a lot of travel etc..

You are right to be worried.... You're only at the beginning of the parenthood journey and the lack of time as a couple (IME) gets worse as the babies grow and perhaps you have another.

Trouble is if he doesn't go for promotion or fails to fulfill his potential career he might feel resentful or regret it later. I know my husband gets a lot from his job (self esteem & intellectual stimulation etc...).

I think you need to spend time together talking through how you can both improve the situation. Perhaps this will just be a short term situation and once in the new job he can get back to more regular hours???

I also moved to a new area - having children is a great time to meet new friends! Perhaps one answer is to try and meet other mums and help create a social life away from DH.

my point about looking back and not wishing you had spent more time at work, for me doesnt mean not taking an interest in my career, which is also very important to me, but about achieving a life/work balance that leads to happy family life, for all of the family.

Becky I think looking back and having regrets about not seeing children grow up would be worse than any career regrets. If you don't put the time in when they're young then don't expect them to put the time in with you when they're older imo.

That's a good point becky about some men getting more into fatherhood when the children get older. Maybe it's another reason why a longer term plan may be needed here rather than an ultimatum - rabster's dh needs the time to be able to realise that a toddler he can throw around and tickle IS more interesting than a 12 week old, which is often just, well, work!

"when we look back on life and the relationships we have or could have had, we wont be saying
"i wished i had spent more time at work"

Really?

I'm probably not the person to argue this (am SAHM), but looking back a career that you love, I can well see that missed opportunities may be regretted.

Actually, perhaps I am the person to argue it...

Do you only have the one child? You may well find, as I did with my dh, that his priorities change as the child gets older, and, to be blunt, more interesting...

Suunysideup's point about where he will be in 5 years time is a good one.

Are you planning on having more children? I know it's early days! but worth thinking about, too.

good luck, when it all comes to all, when we look back on life and the relationships we have or could have had, we wont be saying
"i wished i had spent more time at work"

ring fencing sounds a great idea as you cant make someone stay at home, and want to stay at home, if he is like my dh, if hes at home with a deadline he may as well not be here!

Dh is in a similar position atm.

2.5 years ago he was made redundant and then fortunautely landed on his feet with a new job and opportunities for promotion.

However, I don't really want him to go for promotion. We don;t need the money - he is already well paid and I work part-time - ost of my earnings cover DS' nursery but childcare will reduce when he goes to school.

I'm not saying the extra money wouldn;t be nice - but we are comfortable and I dont want him to be spending even less time with us, and enjoying our time as afamily.

ATM he leaves the house at 7.15 and makes a big effort to be home by 6 to do DS' bath - basically he sees him for 30 mins a day, and any work he has to do at the weekends he does in the evenings.

He also managed to persuade his boss to cut down the amount of European travel he was doing which has made an immense difference to our family life.

The thing is, DH wants to go for promotion. He's 47, and i know he thinks this is his last chance to move up another notch.

I think you need to udnerstand and discuss more about your DH motives for promotion, to understand how much (or not) it means to him and how things are going to pan out over the next few years.

But i think ultimatums are unfair in this kind of situation. When you are at work and a concientious worker, you can;t just say no, or let things slide.

I have a dh who works long hours often 8am til 11pm, usually brings home work to do in the weekend evenings. I also work albeit 33 hours a week (cut down slightly from full-time to be able to pick kids up from school twice a week).
I would not be giving him an ultimatum, but a discussion on how to ring-fence time to spend as a family eg. after the first couple of years as a father my dh decided not to work during the daylight hours at weekends - this means he will sometimes put the kids to bed at the weekend (he does sat/sun I do the rest of the week) then go into his home office and work until 4 or 5am..go to bed, get up at 9ish (I'll get up with kids).
Also plan time as a couple - and plan time for him to be with the kids (eg. my dh is about to start looking after the kids in the mornings, dropping them at school before he goes to work as it is more acceptable for him to arrive at work a bit later than it is to leave earlier),
And - spend some of the money from the promotion on help for you (to replace the fact that he isn't helping out) on a cleaner, maybe some relief childcare, a weekly massage ;)

exactly rabster. It's so sad to miss out on a central relationship like this.

It makes me sad that some men just don't seem to value being a dad.

I think it really depends on whether or not you need the money.

I used to work in Financial Services and it was EXPECTED that you would be in at 7am and not leave before 9pm at night. Team meetings were held at 7pm every night! On my first day (in this major bank) they showed me a Working Time Directive form and TOLD me to sign away my rights.

One of my colleagues collapsed on the tube one morning (from exhaustion), ambulance was called and she was taken to hospital. The only reaction from the bank was to ask me to ring her and get an arrival time out of her(!!). Basically they owned your a**e! However, I was particularly well paid.

So, how much do you need the money?

I have had this for the last 2 years. We have three girls aged 7,5 and 2 and dh is rarely at home when they are awake during the week and frequently works weekends. I have spent too long expecting things to change and realise that I must take control of my own life otherwise my resentment of the situation is going to poison everything. I regret giving up my career and intend to spend some of the money dh earns (although he will strongly disapprove) on childcare so I can get back into work before I hit 40! Please don't wait for him to change - I don't think he will. Decide what you need and go for it.

Rabster I was just about to post that we think it's working to live and not living to work for us as a family. When we had children especially we decided that I'd stay at home to raise the children as we both thought that it's best for young children to have one parent at home to care for them and that he'd work. Also though he gets home at 6pm every night and rarely works weekends. He needs to work late sometimes and goes abroad for 2 nights every couple of months but that's it. He is a family man and I'd much prefer him to a man that worked all the hours. We have a nice life and a lovely house in a great area. We could have more but why when money isn't everything and you cannot buy time. The one thing that's most important in this world imo is time. You can always make money but you can't go back in time to see your kids grow up again. My dh wouldn't want to miss seeing his kids and makes sure he spends lots of time with them.

I just think life is about being happy and as long as you have enough money to support yourself then it's great to actually spend quality time with your family. I could go back to work but I'd much rather stay at home with my children, the most important job in the world imho and nothing will ever beat that.

Sounds like you need to do some heart to heart talking about what you both want out of having a family. I know this kind of discussion can seem threatening, cos it may mean moving out of your comfort zone and looking at different ways of doing things.I don't totally agree with Xenia that the answer is simply for you to return to full time work, but I DO agree with her that you've put all your eggs in one basket as it were. You have chosen very polarised roles - ie one parent having the high flying career, the other staying at home with the baby and moving house and area to fit with partners career. There's nothing wrong with that as long as both partners are happy, but clearly you're now struggling. The answer may be that he downsizes and you take some responsibility for contributing to the fincances, and in return he takes more responsibility for child care.